Reply to How many times to do deal with a mentally ill parent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]MIL was recently committed again.  This is the 8th or 9th time in 13 years.  She goes off her meds, goes crazy, makes insanely bad or costly decisions, endangers others, gets committed, and then goes off her meds again.  She even admitted this time around that she knows she should stay on her meds.

This woman has caused the biggest fights in my marriage.  Seriously, she has nearly ended it more than once due to her crazy and the stress it causes.  H has defended and forgiven her over and over again for her actions.  He let her back in our home and near or children despite the fact that she has been around them while she was secretly off her meds.

After this last round, H swears he is done with her.  That we will work to get her committed and back on track and then we are finished.  But when I asked him to promise that she should would never be allowed to stay in our home again (she lives out of state), he hesitated.

So those who have been there/done that was a very mentally ill parent (schizophrenia, bi-polar, etc) - did you ever end the relationship?  Or at least severally restrict it?  How many times did it take?  Or are you never really able to let go?  Is this just a fact of my life from here on out?  My kids are old enough that even they are figuring these things out, and that just makes this all twice as hard.  I don't want them exposed to this, but at the same time, she is their grandmother.  [/quote]

If you became ill in middle and old age, would you be cool with your son writing you out of his life because of the symptoms of your illness?  Would you teach your kids that it is okay to abandon a sick person because their illness is just too difficult?  Because that's what you're advocating.

Your DH loves his mom.  She raised him.  He probably had a really, really hard childhood.  Drawing healthy boundaries is good.  Abandoning is not.

And yes, I have dealt with this. My brother was bipolar and I lived with his highs, lows, and everything in between until he died from bipolar disorder by suicide.  My mother is also likely bipolar though it usually manifests as deep, deep depression.  I have had to draw a lot of boundaries with her because she makes choices that are really destructive and hurtful to me.  But I don't abandon her.  It's a struggle always, and I have needed a lot of support and therapy.  But most of us don't get to choose our families, and I know for sure that neither she nor my brother chose the illnesses that befell them.

Your kids will learn compassion and grace and understanding in how you deal with their mentally ill grandmother.  They will learn that they don't have to be perfect to be loved or worthy of love.  Imagine if one of your kids inherited her mental illness, and then remembered how everyone abandoned their grandmother because she was crazy.  How would that make them feel in terms of their own illness?  [/quote]

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