Single, when do I move past the dream...

[Anonymous]

In my early 20s I dated someone who I figured I'd marry. We had the same goals and plans (marriage and family). To make a long story short, things didn't work out. Since then I haven't dated seriously. I've been single now for 5+ years and really just don't have any desire to date or find a man who I could start a family with. I've tried to go out, online dating, etc. It's not bad but doesn't end up going anywhere. With that said, I still really would like to be married and raise children with my husband.

So how long do I continue to try to create my ideal life before taking the alternate route?

I had always figured that if I wasn't married or in a serious relationship by 35 that I would adopt a child as a single mother. I'm in no way against being a single mother but at the same time, I don't want to give up on what I had always planned and wanted. I'm about to turn 34 and honestly don't think I'll be married any time soon. I have a reliable career, can afford a child, supportive family, everything besides the husband!

Anyone else get to this point in life? What'd you do? How'd you work through giving up on that "dream life" and moving on with reality?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear this. Have a child, it will be the best thing you ever did!

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine was in a similar situation and she waited until she was 40 and then she went the donor route. I have another male acquaintance who was probably in his mid forties when he found a surrogate. I say go for it if that's one of your goals, you have a window of opportunity now as your fertility will start declining over the next couple of years. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

My relationships from college and grad school did not work out. At around age 33, I woke up to the fact I needed to do something. I worked hard on dating until age 38, and faced many frustrations in the process. I was living in NYC and dated many people but with very few/no "love connections" and even fewer men who wanted to commit.

At 38 I met my partner, a working class guy significantly younger than me. Fast forward a few years, and we have a son together, the joy of our lives! There are many challenges in our relationship but we have a wonderful family.

He stays home full time and I support the family. It's not that "dream life" but it is our life!

You are right to be thinking not to wait indefinitely.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Hey, I thought I would be a great foster mom. In the absence of any relationship with long term potential, I'd created a nice vision for my life that included children from the foster care system. Then I met the father of my children. At 38! I had two children in quick succession. The marriage didn't last and co-parenting is pretty damned lacking.

I don't regret a second of it. I made the best decision I could based on the information I had. If I were younger, I would have held off on having children. When I met my XH, I didn't see him as a companion. Looking back, it's really hard not to see all of the red flags!

The dream changes, OP. We adapt to the realities we inhabit. I plan on marrying again, this time to a friend, a true life partner. You could double down on your dating efforts, OP, but life is gonna bring you what it brings. There's no guarantee a suitable someone is going to walk into your life any time soon.

Take care of yourself and your dreams as you see fit. Bringing your own dreams to fruition is not "settling." Take charge of your destiny. Make the life you want. Nothing to stop you!

[Anonymous]

Op I was you and I did go ahead and have a child. And now that my child is older, looking back, while I love my child more than life itself, I wish I had waited a few more years and really got myself together in my 30's and tried dating again. I love being a mom but dating with a child is 100xs harder than I anticipated as is trying to form another long term relationship.

Like you I had a relationship in my late 20's that soured and didn't lead to marriage and I watched friends all around me pair up and get married. I went into a depression that wasn't the kind where I couldn't function but more just general giving up.

If nothing else, give yourself a year, go to therapy, do everything for yourself you can and then consider your decision again. If it still feels right go for it.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't think turning 34 is old enough to be thinking about having a kid on your own quite yet.

I had an amazing friend in this position at about this age and she treated dating like a part-time job. She was going out with different guys all the time. She did a lot of it online, I think. But put feelers out to friends. Hell, pay a matchmaker. (Does that exist outside of the Bravo TV show?) She dated very intensively for about a year and then was married somewhere in the 37 range and still had 2 kids.

I don't think at turning 34, you can just sit around and wait and see what happens and hope you're going to meet a guy. I think you have to get in the right mind set and just go out on a lot of first dates. Yes, it will be exhausting. But there will be some hilarious stories and you will get very good at dating.

[Anonymous]

If you have the money, I would consider egg freezing. It isn't a guarantee but it is something to think about.

[Anonymous]

I was in the place that you were. I was kind of depressed on my 35th birthday because I was actually farther from the married w/ kids dream than I had been at 25. I had been putting pressure on myself to find "the guy" and I didn't feel like I had any control over it. And I was tired of stressing out. So I just decided that I was done worrying about having a baby. If I didn't have a kid, so what. I wouldn't do IVF/IUI or whatever. If I met a great guy, great. But I wasn't going to live against a time deadline anymore.

Weirdly, I got accidentally pregnant right before I turned 36. So then I had a whole new list of things to stress about, like getting broken up with while pregnant, and whether I should get an abortion, and how I was going to handle a baby on my own, financially and otherwise.

I had the baby. I won't lie, it's hard. Single parenthood isn't for pussies. (And my ex ended up deciding to coparent with me, so I have it easier than some, at least a couple days a week when he's not deployed.) I have really not dated, though, since I had her, and that is a lot harder than I thought it would be. All these people told me that I'd meet all these single and divorced dads, and that really hasn't been the case. Those guys are out there, but they are all dating my child-free friends who have the free time to find and date them.

So you may have to decide if you would rather be a mother or a wife, because you may have to pick one. Not trying to be negative, just saying that most of the single-by-choice moms I know remain single.

[dancingsunflowers06]

Lots of great advice on here. I agree with the post that recommended counseling, focusing on yourself for a bit, and then in a year see what you're feeling. I know you said you've tried the dating scene and not had much success, but have you considered attending a church (if you aren't already involved)? One of my bestie's in your situation did this and found an amazing man at church who had the same values as her - not saying it works for everyone, but it might be worth a shot, ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the place that you were. I was kind of depressed on my 35th birthday because I was actually farther from the married w/ kids dream than I had been at 25. I had been putting pressure on myself to find "the guy" and I didn't feel like I had any control over it. And I was tired of stressing out. So I just decided that I was done worrying about having a baby. If I didn't have a kid, so what. I wouldn't do IVF/IUI or whatever. If I met a great guy, great. But I wasn't going to live against a time deadline anymore.

Weirdly, I got accidentally pregnant right before I turned 36. So then I had a whole new list of things to stress about, like getting broken up with while pregnant, and whether I should get an abortion, and how I was going to handle a baby on my own, financially and otherwise.

I had the baby. I won't lie, it's hard. Single parenthood isn't for pussies. (And my ex ended up deciding to coparent with me, so I have it easier than some, at least a couple days a week when he's not deployed.) I have really not dated, though, since I had her, and that is a lot harder than I thought it would be. All these people told me that I'd meet all these single and divorced dads, and that really hasn't been the case. Those guys are out there, but they are all dating my child-free friends who have the free time to find and date them.

So you may have to decide if you would rather be a mother or a wife, because you may have to pick one. Not trying to be negative, just saying that most of the single-by-choice moms I know remain single.

I could written the same thing except I got pregnant accidentally a few years earlier and my ex and I don't co-parent. I have my child 24/7. Single men aren't too attracted to a mom who has custody 24/7 is what I've found so I remain single. That's fine with me most of the time b/c single parenting is pretty tiring unless you have a lot of money to spend on time for yourself. I don't. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have changed anything. I guess the OP just needs to decide if she is okay with being single forever with a child or being childless. I have a good friend who absolutely does not want to have a child without a husband. That is her choice. If I didn't have a child by my late 30s, I would've gotten donor sperm and had a baby on my own. I was raised by a single mom and it is something I would have been comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was like you with the dating scene, and pretty much gave up on it. At age 40-45, I decided to persue fertility options using donor sperm- when that failed, I adopted a newborn at age 46. I am still single, but very happy with my now soon-to-be 2 year old. It was a lot of work, time, money to get here, but I am so glad it worked out the way it did. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP
1. Get your fertility checked - you don't know your situation - you could be uber fertile or egg freezing might be a good choice.
2. Start saving - if you have to go it alone cash is your friend; if not you have all these savings for something fun
3. Start taking a prenatal vitamin - once a day never hurt anyone and you don't have to buy the most expensive.

Join a Single Mothers by Choice meet up - there are a lot of them in this area.

You are young and most are over 38. Totally a valid choice but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give dating the old college try.

from a 40 year old single mother by choice; currently dating a wonderful guy I met when my son was 6 months

[Anonymous]

Treat online dating like a job. You'll eventually meet a great guy. I did (after 100 bad dates).
- happily married w baby at 35

[Anonymous]

I was married in my mid twenties but divorced mid thirties with two small kids. Would not trade my kids for anything, they are the light of my life and I do not coparent with ex. I would caution you that as a single person, you really get one or the other. If you have the kids it will be near impossible to be a good mother and also treat dating like a job, which it needs to be to find anyone in this day and age. I occasionally get wistful about what's in all of this for me--single parenting is lonely in it's own, never alone way.