sister put baby for adoption in 1991 and is still collecting/buying gifts yearly

[Anonymous]

My sister was raped in 1990. Both her and the perpertrator were mental health clients in fairfax county and it happened on county property. Her daughter was born in May 1991. The adoption was closed. Ever since, my sister buys Birthday and Xmas gifts for a daughter she may never see. Is this OK or has it gone over into inappropriateness?

[Anonymous]

My heart breaks for your sister who was essentially coerced into am adoption it sounds like. It sounds normal but heartbreaking sad.

[Anonymous]

Let her be. It's how she deals with it.

[Anonymous]

Can she function in her day-to-day? I see no problem with this at all. If she needs two days out of the year to grieve her loss, I think she deserves that.

[Anonymous]

Fine. she is thinking of the child she place. It gives her comfort. Maybe one day she can reunite and give them to her grandkids. We have an open adoption. Love the gifts. Your sister experenced several major traumas that she will never get over. Support her, not critique her.

[Anonymous]

It's kind of a Miss Haversham thing, but you should just ignore it. Her heart is broken and she is dealing however she can.

[Anonymous]

It's her ritual. It's not for others to decide whether it's okay or not. She's not hurting anyone. Have some empathy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the perspective. It can be hard when you are family. I am her older brother and I worry about her all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective. It can be hard when you are family. I am her older brother and I worry about her all the time.

You're a good brother, OP.

[Anonymous]

It's rare to get consensus on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the perspective. It can be hard when you are family. I am her older brother and I worry about her all the time.

Check in on her on major holidays or events - the birthday, day of placement if it was not the same day, mother's day, Christmas, Thanksgiving and just ask her how she is doing with it. Its a pain she will never get over. If you want to help, maybe it would support her if you got a little token gift for her collection.

[Anonymous]

Man. I can't imagine what she's going through. To be raped and then to place the baby for adoption - she probably has so many emotions and feelings that most of us can't understand. She is actually really strong and I think it's sweet that she has a healthy way of coping.

[Anonymous]

If it's just the gifts, then let her do her thing. I think it is sweet and completely understandable. If you have other specific concerns about her well-being, then address those concerns for what they are.

Maybe someday they will be reunited, and the daughter will see the gifts and know that she was always loved and never forgotten.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's terribly unreasonable as a tool to help her grieve. I still buy my brother a beer and go share one at his grave a few times a year. Other people go to a restaurant that their loved one enjoyed. Grief isn't just in death, it's in any significant loss. She essentially lost a child. There's a good chance she will never see or speak to it again. If she was buying things regularly I would say it's a problem. A birthday and Christmas gift is no big deal and maybe at some point she will come to terms where she can donate them to someone in need.

[Anonymous]

I've heard of others who have lost a child through death or adoption that go out and buy the birthday/holiday present, then donate it to a charity in the child's memory. I've always thought that's very nice.
I think I would be more worried about what she does with the presents. If she's sitting in a room filled with presents for a child she never sees, and brooding like Miss Haversham, I would worry. If she takes them out once a year for a good cry, there's probably no harm in that.