sister put baby for adoption in 1991 and is still collecting/buying gifts yearly

[Anonymous]

Wow this made me cry. My heart breaks for your sister.

[Anonymous]

This made me cry too. My heart breaks for your sister.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for the kind words. I see her regularly. I always treat her to lunch or dinner the day of the birth (May 31st) and we spoil her on mother's day. It's extra tough, because it happened when she was at a county daycare program and I am still pissed to this day at Fairfax county for not monitoring their mental health consumers better when they are directly in a care situation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for the kind words. I see her regularly. I always treat her to lunch or dinner the day of the birth (May 31st) and we spoil her on mother's day. It's extra tough, because it happened when she was at a county daycare program and I am still pissed to this day at Fairfax county for not monitoring their mental health consumers better when they are directly in a care situation...

Unfortunately this happens more often than many people realize. They do not get the best staff as they do not pay them very well. Horrible things happen all the time every day but its wonderful that you are there to support your sister. I'd leave it alone and support her in doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister was raped in 1990. Both her and the perpertrator were mental health clients in fairfax county and it happened on county property. Her daughter was born in May 1991. The adoption was closed. Ever since, my sister buys Birthday and Xmas gifts for a daughter she may never see. Is this OK or has it gone over into inappropriateness?

I had a friend who was raped her sophomore year of high school. Her mother made her give up the baby even though my friend wanted to keep her. My friend has shaped her entire life around her child. She like your sister buys gifts for birthdays and christmas. Her child has an easter basket. She became a social worker in hopes that she would be able to more easily find her. Her child would be 26 now and she has never made contact. My friend has spent so much time and effort and emotion on the baby she gave away that she has never married or had children. Its so very sad. However I think this can happen. I think what your sister is doing is coping in the best way she can.

[Anonymous]

there's no real healing of a wound like this one, OP. Keep up the compassion.

[Anonymous]

Well this certainly puts my complaining about my annoying MIL to shame.

OP, I'm so sorry your sister has had to endure this kind of trauma.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with other posters that you're a caring big brother. And I agree that your sister endured some very significant trauma. Is her mental health stable? If she met her child, who is now a grown woman, could she cope with the situation? Does she have other kids now or is this child her only child?

I ask this because I wonder if you could help your sister take some steps to help her child locate her, if that's what the adoptee desires. Has your sister contacted the adoption agency in writing, providing current info if the adoptee is searching for her? Your sister could register with DNA sites like 23&me (or whatever it's called) to help the child if she's searching.

I personally can't imagine a nicer gift for the adoptee than to find out she was never forgotten. Even if she has a completely fantastic relationship with her parents, all this gifts would probably mean a great deal. And, if your sister is stable & capable of respecting boundaries, then finding the child she put up for adoption might be the gift of a lifetime. Just a thought, and no disrespect to the child's parents (adoptive).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well this certainly puts my complaining about my annoying MIL to shame.

OP, I'm so sorry your sister has had to endure this kind of trauma.

Well, not everyone is you, and we all have our stuff, even if we don't always talk about it. Please don't try to take away from anyone, PP.

In keeping on topic, OP, you are a great brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister was raped in 1990. Both her and the perpertrator were mental health clients in fairfax county and it happened on county property. Her daughter was born in May 1991. The adoption was closed. Ever since, my sister buys Birthday and Xmas gifts for a daughter she may never see. Is this OK or has it gone over into inappropriateness?

Ridiculous! She is mentally and emotionally ill. She should have gotten on with her life long ago but she had chosen to wallow in self pity for over half her life. Only she can help herself. Stop wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister was raped in 1990. Both her and the perpertrator were mental health clients in fairfax county and it happened on county property. Her daughter was born in May 1991. The adoption was closed. Ever since, my sister buys Birthday and Xmas gifts for a daughter she may never see. Is this OK or has it gone over into inappropriateness?

Ridiculous! She is mentally and emotionally ill. She should have gotten on with her life long ago but she had chosen to wallow in self pity for over half her life. Only she can help herself. Stop wasting your time.

PP, you are vile and disgusting. May your family always be protected.

[Anonymous]

It's ok if it helps her be ok.

I had a miscarriage and acknowledge the date every year. My house was broken into while I was home and I am obsessive about locked doors and windows. When a trauma happens you does with it in your own way that others might not understand.

Everything that happens to us, good and bad, make us who we are today. The rape, the child, and the adoption are all part of who she is now, for better or for worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's kind of a Miss Haversham thing, but you should just ignore it. Her heart is broken and she is dealing however she can.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart breaks for your sister who was essentially coerced into am adoption it sounds like. It sounds normal but heartbreaking sad.

Nothing at all in op's post indicates coercion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well this certainly puts my complaining about my annoying MIL to shame.

OP, I'm so sorry your sister has had to endure this kind of trauma.

Well, not everyone is you, and we all have our stuff, even if we don't always talk about it. Please don't try to take away from anyone, PP.

In keeping on topic, OP, you are a great brother.

I think you misread the Pp's post. She was being kind.

So sorry to the OP. All the best to your sister.