How often do you think about a past love?

[Anonymous]

How often do you think about a past love? This has been bothering me for awhile and I'm just wondering if my scenario is typical or not. I think about a past love of mine frequently, not in a sexual way and not even in a longing to be with him sort of way, more like fond memories that make me smile or wondering how his life turned out.

I dated this man over ten years ago and only for a couple of years and I loved him very much but ultimately we broke up because he decided he did not want children and I did. He wasn't my first love or even the longest relationship that I'd had but I did take our breakup pretty hard at the time. Actually, it was devastating to me. We were facebook friends for a couple of years, but he unfriended me after I got married and I just let it be.

Fast forward to today, I'm married to an amazing and loving man who is a great father to my two beautiful kids. Although life isn't always perfect, by all accounts, I am happy, we are a happy family. I love my kids, my marriage is solid (and yes we have a great sex life) and hind sight being 20/20, I can even see now that my ex would not have made the best husband or father (worked too much, selfish etc.) so it's not even like I'm romanticizing his ghost and yet...I still think about him, still wonder about him, imagine seeing him randomly on the street, he shows up in my dreams. I don't think about any of my other ex-boyfriends this way, but he clearly occupies space in my unconscious mind. I'm always taken aback by it when a memory or a thought rushes through and honestly, I feel guilty when I think about him, not because the content of the thought itself is one that should make me feel guilty but just because I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly by my side and I know it would hurt him if he knew I still thought about this other man as much as I do . WTF is wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter if you are happily married. I love my wife and kid.but think about my ex on her birthday and sometimes when certain songs are on the radio. I would like to think she does the same. But we both know it would be a bad idea to have any contact. Some things you have to leave in the past.

[Anonymous]

Multiple times a week, but different men.

[Anonymous]

OP, two years is a lot of time to give to someone. You could find out a lot about him on Facebook or LinkedIn.

[Anonymous]

I'm that way too about one of my ex-boyfriends. Like you, I dated other men for longer, and rarely think about them. The break up with this one was very hard for me. I think it's normal and suspect my DH think s about one of his exes in the same way. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[Anonymous]

Only at night, when I'm feeling lonely ... and something else.

[Anonymous]

I never think about past loves. Well that's kind of a lie. When Facebook first came out I had a fake page and looked up a few.

Thank GOD I never married them !

Moving ahead not backward.

[Anonymous]

Everyday. Not that I long for them. But the period when I was with one in particular represented the happiest, most care-free days of my life. So I think about the past love in the context of fondly remembering that period of my life.

[Anonymous]

Yup, two ex boyfriends in particular show up in my dreams. They're almost always sex dreams, btw. And NO, I do hot have any desire or urge in real life to sleep with them or cheat on my husband.

But I am happy to say that I really only had the pleasure of dating really good, honest, sincere and loving people. I think they're probably still that way (except they don't love me and vice versa--totally ok ). I wouldn't mind running into them again (er, after I've lost 20 lbs haha!), without any worry that I'd want to re-engage what we once had.

My father, btw, reconnected with two ex girlfriends from his past when he retired. Guess what? They're AWESOME people! And they're now pretty good friends with my mother, too. Wouldn't you know...

Anyway, don't worry about your musings and wonderings. Take it as a sign of your very excellent taste and fortune in men.

[Anonymous]

For you to still think of this guy after a decade later, I think there were just some issues that you have now that you may feel you never got the opportunity to obtain closure on.

Think long AND hard about what these issues may be, then find a healthy way to get closure...You can do this on your own, you don't have to contact him for this.

Once you come more full circle, I am quite confident that you will think less + less of this man.

Good luck OP!~

[Anonymous]

Your post is very similar to my experience right down to 10 yrs. he just married as well this summer. Our relationship spanned dearly a decade (our late teens to 20s). I think he was my longest and first intense love maybe that's why? I wouldn't ever try to connect with him. He did reach out on fb to congratulate me when I got married but I never responded bc didn't want it to lead to Fb friends. Then ran into him at a wedding 3 yrs ago ( I was married, he was single and looked amazing). He tried to talk to me. I avoided him and was super quick. I felt like I shared too much emotionally with him and respect DH too much. But in both situations would have wanted to catch up but held back bc of DH. Our break up was devastating at the time too.

[Anonymous]

For me, it depends on the past love, like others said. There are some I think of only when prompted - if what was "our song" comes on the radio, or if someone brings up a direct reference to that time in my life or something I did with them - "I'm thinking of going to Portugal, and heard you've been there - how was it?" and the person I went to Portugal with was an ex, that kind of thing. There is one I think of quite a bit, but it's the freshest 'big' breakup, and I'm not married to anyone else.

I think the hardest breakups to get fully over are the ones when you don't split because of lack of love. It's one thing if someone cheats on you, or does something else horrible, or if you decide you're tired of them, or vice versa. The tough ones are like yours, where it isn't because the feelings aren't there, but because of some other factor - distance, time, life goals, etc.

Sounds like you're handling it right though - not allowing thoughts to escalate to any kind of action. If it's really bothering you, maybe some therapy to discover why this one in particular crops up in your thoughts so much?

[Anonymous]

While my marriage was falling apart, I was thinking a lot about past loves...

- The one where things were extremely passionate for a short period of time -- with her a fling.

- The one I was spiritually connected with: she was smart, fun, and we could talk all night, but because of her age, we could not have a family (she is 22 years older than me). We are still friends.

- The person I was destined to be with, according to the family, until she ghosted on me.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you've not found closure and honestly you don't seem to need to - it is not disrupting your current life or derailing your relationships.

Every relationship we form is like a thread, some are still strong and some are these faint skein like silk threads. They don't always break. If you think of this as just one of many threads which has worn very thin over the years, you can in a way accept that its there, in your head, but doesn't necessarily have to become problematic or disruptive.

[Anonymous]

You miss yourself at that age. Remembering this guy is a way of remembering yourself.