Textual and Phone Relationship

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

Without going into the very long reason for why I'm asking this question, I just wanted to have some opinions on what purpose a textual and phone call relationship could serve to two people. One is married, but unhappy. The other was unhappy in his relationship and is now single because his g/friend found out about the textual/emotional affair.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

[Anonymous]

Gives them someone to talk to who they can feel intimate with in ways that they may not be able to feel in their primary relationship. Someone they feel understands them. Close enough to real life to enjoy it, but far enough removed that they can hide their flaws.

If I was in the primary relationship, I'd have a huge problem with my spouse carrying on this type of relationship, even via text.

[Anonymous]

It's an affair, if one of them is in a committed relationship.

The purpose is to have a need met. Could be emotional, could be sexual (or is that actually implied / covered under "textual"?).


Having it over the phone or texting makes people feel more virtuous because it's not physical. There is danger, but you feel removed from it. You also can feel removed from the actual intimacy.

The end result and damage on their primary relationships is the same.

[Anonymous]

The problematic part of an emotional affair is not necessarily that a person engaged in an emotional affair has an emotional connection with someone who is not their spouse - though that can certainly be problematic. The problem comes when that person is putting their romantic energy into their affair partner rather than their spouse. For example, it's fine to call your "friend" very excited about a promotion at work. It's not fine to call your "friend" instead of your spouse.

If a person is having intense text messages or phone calls, that indicates that he/she is not sharing those things with his/her partner. That he/she is choosing to share with the affair partner instead. The purpose is to feel close to someone. The problem is that the person is choosing someone other than their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

very good call

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

OP here :
This puts the fault on the partners of these people but what are we dealing with if the partners of the two people love them, are confused to what is happening, want nothing more than for their connection with their partners to come back, have no intention of losing their partners and have most certainly not, themselves, cut off emotionl connection but are being deprived of it because of this affair.
Bit of a chicken/egg thing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

OP here :
This puts the fault on the partners of these people but what are we dealing with if the partners of the two people love them, are confused to what is happening, want nothing more than for their connection with their partners to come back, have no intention of losing their partners and have most certainly not, themselves, cut off emotionl connection but are being deprived of it because of this affair.
Bit of a chicken/egg thing here.

OP here:

I also want to add that I am the now ex g/friend of the man in this textual affair. We were doing fine, really well actually. He never spoke to me about anything being wrong. He just shut down one day and I discovered this 2 weeks later. I told him I was profoundly uncomfortable with it but he assured me that she was just a friend. I, stupidly, thought it wouls stop. Twi weeks more later, it still hadn't stopped and I called him on it. He eventually came out with the fact that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to continue our relationship and he wanted a break. I told him that for a break to work he'd have to not see me but would also have to stop texting her. He didn't want to stop texting her. So, I made the decision and I left. It broke my heart. What I'm trying to understand now is what the heck he is doing with this woman. His mother, thinking that we were in negotiations to get back together and that it was me on the phone - told me that he is on his phone texting 24/7 and has long conversations on the phone every evening. What on earth could this type of relationship be doing for him? I thought that once I was gone, it's die out but it seems to have just gotten stronger. Now, he has "feelings" for her because their relationship eveolved once I left (this was said just 2 days after I left).
I'm just struggling to get it and would like some opinions on it.

[Anonymous]

It's giving them the emotional payoff of a relationship with all the benefits of not having one. They can text/say what they want the want on the phone, without the reality of the other person being there and giving them the side-eye for having another drink, or picking their nose, or staying up all night playing video games, or dealing with their family at Sunday dinner. They get to come home and talk to someone without the actual realities of having that person physically there.

It's one thing when text and phone are the only options you have (e.g. long distance). It's another when you choose that over an in-person, real-time relationship.

It doesn't reflect on you, OP, that he prefers a 'controlled' reality with her as opposed to the real one with you - it reflects on him. Text and phone are controlled - when you read messages, when you respond, what the person on the other end knows/sees. Real life is messier, but that's because it's real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

OP here :
This puts the fault on the partners of these people but what are we dealing with if the partners of the two people love them, are confused to what is happening, want nothing more than for their connection with their partners to come back, have no intention of losing their partners and have most certainly not, themselves, cut off emotionl connection but are being deprived of it because of this affair.
Bit of a chicken/egg thing here.

OP here:

I also want to add that I am the now ex g/friend of the man in this textual affair. We were doing fine, really well actually. He never spoke to me about anything being wrong. He just shut down one day and I discovered this 2 weeks later. I told him I was profoundly uncomfortable with it but he assured me that she was just a friend. I, stupidly, thought it wouls stop. Twi weeks more later, it still hadn't stopped and I called him on it. He eventually came out with the fact that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to continue our relationship and he wanted a break. I told him that for a break to work he'd have to not see me but would also have to stop texting her. He didn't want to stop texting her. So, I made the decision and I left. It broke my heart. What I'm trying to understand now is what the heck he is doing with this woman. His mother, thinking that we were in negotiations to get back together and that it was me on the phone - told me that he is on his phone texting 24/7 and has long conversations on the phone every evening. What on earth could this type of relationship be doing for him? I thought that once I was gone, it's die out but it seems to have just gotten stronger. Now, he has "feelings" for her because their relationship eveolved once I left (this was said just 2 days after I left).
I'm just struggling to get it and would like some opinions on it.

Here's all you need to "get": You were really smart to move on. This guy is immature and unable to maintain a real adult relationship. Anyone who would sit and text for hours is a loser. He's choosing to "be" with someone who isn't making any real demands on him. That's really pathetic. Do not engage with him or his mother any more. Cut them off and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Well if both parties are spoken for whether married or in a relationship, it would depend on the content of their conversations.

As well as their length as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if both parties are spoken for whether married or in a relationship, it would depend on the content of their conversations.

As well as their length as well.

OP here: length for me was the entire last month of our relationship (may have been longer, he told me this when I asked him but there is no way of knowing if it's the truth or not really). The text conversations lasted the entire day from morning to evening, when they would wish each other goodnight. I didn't see their messages except for a few when I told him to let me see his phone. The messages were banale, boring at best...;the type of stuff he should be talking to ME about and which was interesting to ME, not to another person. They were also the types of things I was getting from him anymore at all. Just shut down on everyday details, thngs that bothered him during the day, his life etc...

Apparently this has all evolved since I left, although she is still married, still with her husband. My ex apparently took just two days to develop feelings for her once I left and keeps telling me that she hasn't been happy for 20 years with her husband but that it has nothing to do with him. They're obviously having in depth conversations about their lives, their problems and their significant others. I get the feeling she knows more about why I just "lost" him one day out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming, didn't realise he was unhappy. He never sat me down and had a talk woth me, , never even tried. We went from "I love you" to "Maybe I don't love you enough" to "I have no feelings for you at all but I do have feelings for her" in the space of a month and it apparently has NOTHING to do with her at all.

I know, as the poster above said, that his behaviour does not reflect on me and that I made a smart move to leave but it's so difficult to go from planning to move in together to losing someone in this way in the space of a month. I am without words. I admit that I really don't want it to work between them. She is married, she has two kids, she lives 3 hours away and I cannot fathom what the heck they are doing or what purpose they are serving for one another.

I'm just a bit lost and yes, I should move on but that's hard to do when you've been together for two years, had no idea that the other person was not happy and just had everything turned upside down for a basically textual/phone conversation relationship with some obscure woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

OP here :
This puts the fault on the partners of these people but what are we dealing with if the partners of the two people love them, are confused to what is happening, want nothing more than for their connection with their partners to come back, have no intention of losing their partners and have most certainly not, themselves, cut off emotionl connection but are being deprived of it because of this affair.
Bit of a chicken/egg thing here.

OP here:

I also want to add that I am the now ex g/friend of the man in this textual affair. We were doing fine, really well actually. He never spoke to me about anything being wrong. He just shut down one day and I discovered this 2 weeks later. I told him I was profoundly uncomfortable with it but he assured me that she was just a friend. I, stupidly, thought it wouls stop. Twi weeks more later, it still hadn't stopped and I called him on it. He eventually came out with the fact that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to continue our relationship and he wanted a break. I told him that for a break to work he'd have to not see me but would also have to stop texting her. He didn't want to stop texting her. So, I made the decision and I left. It broke my heart. What I'm trying to understand now is what the heck he is doing with this woman. His mother, thinking that we were in negotiations to get back together and that it was me on the phone - told me that he is on his phone texting 24/7 and has long conversations on the phone every evening. What on earth could this type of relationship be doing for him? I thought that once I was gone, it's die out but it seems to have just gotten stronger. Now, he has "feelings" for her because their relationship eveolved once I left (this was said just 2 days after I left).
I'm just struggling to get it and would like some opinions on it.

Here's all you need to "get": You were really smart to move on. This guy is immature and unable to maintain a real adult relationship. Anyone who would sit and text for hours is a loser. He's choosing to "be" with someone who isn't making any real demands on him. That's really pathetic. Do not engage with him or his mother any more. Cut them off and move on with your life.

She was smart to move on. But do you really know enough about this man to call him immature and a loser? You have no idea what his life has been like, where he's come from, or what he's experienced that lead him down this path. Maybe telling OP he's a loser will make her feel better, but somehow I doubt it. Maybe personality is more nuanced than your assessment of 'loser' would suggest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, the people in the textual relationship are not having their emotional needs met.

OP here :
This puts the fault on the partners of these people but what are we dealing with if the partners of the two people love them, are confused to what is happening, want nothing more than for their connection with their partners to come back, have no intention of losing their partners and have most certainly not, themselves, cut off emotionl connection but are being deprived of it because of this affair.
Bit of a chicken/egg thing here.

OP here:

I also want to add that I am the now ex g/friend of the man in this textual affair. We were doing fine, really well actually. He never spoke to me about anything being wrong. He just shut down one day and I discovered this 2 weeks later. I told him I was profoundly uncomfortable with it but he assured me that she was just a friend. I, stupidly, thought it wouls stop. Twi weeks more later, it still hadn't stopped and I called him on it. He eventually came out with the fact that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to continue our relationship and he wanted a break. I told him that for a break to work he'd have to not see me but would also have to stop texting her. He didn't want to stop texting her. So, I made the decision and I left. It broke my heart. What I'm trying to understand now is what the heck he is doing with this woman. His mother, thinking that we were in negotiations to get back together and that it was me on the phone - told me that he is on his phone texting 24/7 and has long conversations on the phone every evening. What on earth could this type of relationship be doing for him? I thought that once I was gone, it's die out but it seems to have just gotten stronger. Now, he has "feelings" for her because their relationship eveolved once I left (this was said just 2 days after I left).
I'm just struggling to get it and would like some opinions on it.

Here's all you need to "get": You were really smart to move on. This guy is immature and unable to maintain a real adult relationship. Anyone who would sit and text for hours is a loser. He's choosing to "be" with someone who isn't making any real demands on him. That's really pathetic. Do not engage with him or his mother any more. Cut them off and move on with your life.

She was smart to move on. But do you really know enough about this man to call him immature and a loser? You have no idea what his life has been like, where he's come from, or what he's experienced that lead him down this path. Maybe telling OP he's a loser will make her feel better, but somehow I doubt it. Maybe personality is more nuanced than your assessment of 'loser' would suggest?

He was in a committed, romantic relationship with OP. He's now texting a married woman with children 24/7 and says he has feelings for her. Yeah, that's loser behavior. That's immature behavior. You don't mess with someone else's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well if both parties are spoken for whether married or in a relationship, it would depend on the content of their conversations.

As well as their length as well.

OP here: length for me was the entire last month of our relationship (may have been longer, he told me this when I asked him but there is no way of knowing if it's the truth or not really). The text conversations lasted the entire day from morning to evening, when they would wish each other goodnight. I didn't see their messages except for a few when I told him to let me see his phone. The messages were banale, boring at best...;the type of stuff he should be talking to ME about and which was interesting to ME, not to another person. They were also the types of things I was getting from him anymore at all. Just shut down on everyday details, thngs that bothered him during the day, his life etc...

Apparently this has all evolved since I left, although she is still married, still with her husband. My ex apparently took just two days to develop feelings for her once I left and keeps telling me that she hasn't been happy for 20 years with her husband but that it has nothing to do with him. They're obviously having in depth conversations about their lives, their problems and their significant others. I get the feeling she knows more about why I just "lost" him one day out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming, didn't realise he was unhappy. He never sat me down and had a talk woth me, , never even tried. We went from "I love you" to "Maybe I don't love you enough" to "I have no feelings for you at all but I do have feelings for her" in the space of a month and it apparently has NOTHING to do with her at all.

I know, as the poster above said, that his behaviour does not reflect on me and that I made a smart move to leave but it's so difficult to go from planning to move in together to losing someone in this way in the space of a month. I am without words. I admit that I really don't want it to work between them. She is married, she has two kids, she lives 3 hours away and I cannot fathom what the heck they are doing or what purpose they are serving for one another.

I'm just a bit lost and yes, I should move on but that's hard to do when you've been together for two years, had no idea that the other person was not happy and just had everything turned upside down for a basically textual/phone conversation relationship with some obscure woman.

OP I'm so sorry, I can imagine how hurt you feel. But don't blame yourself. Saying that someone wasn't having their emotional needs met is not a reflection on you- sounds like your boyfriend didn't give you the opportunity to provide what was missing. And he didn't want to. Think about it, he went from an in the flesh relationship with you to concentrate on texting a married woman who lives 3 hours away. His problem is with stable relationships, not with you. So much better that you find out now rather than any later.