Textual and Phone Relationship

[Anonymous]

You may not feel lucky, but you really are. You are fortunate that you found out before you moved in together. That you found out before you potentially got married. That you found out before you had any kids with him. There could be 1001 reasons why he is running away from your relationship. Maybe an ex cheated on him and he fears ever getting close again and moving in made it too real. Maybe he doesn't feel his relationship with you is right and couldn't be upfront about it. I've only seen it once where someone had the courage to break up with someone they had been dating two years ...without anyone waiting in the wings, because ultimately the person didn't feel the SO was for them long term even though the relationship itself wasn't bad and in this case the guy was thinking about marriage. I think way more people either slide into living together/marriage because they are afraid of starting over or convince themselves it isn't that bad or they try to line up the next relationship and/or act an assho&& so the other person breaks up with them and they never had to actually directly make the decision to break up without knowing if they would ever find someone else. I think though when you start making up imaginary stories as why someone behaves that way, while it can make you feel better, it is ultimately a pointless exercise.

You can actually be able to answer questions about your own part in the relationship to see if there are things you would want to do differently in your next relationship. Did you ignore obvious red flags all along that he didn't really want to settle down OR was not great about communicating relationship issues you guys had along the way? Were you respectful about trying to compromise/find middle ground where you guys may have differed and was he? Were you not that far apart in your thinking of the big things so that every single thing wasn't about finding a compromise - I'm thinking of those posts about introvert dating extrovert or spender dating frugal or with family 24-7 dating enough is enough, or changes jobs/risk taker dating someone that would not be happy living that way, or never wants to get married dating would like to get married and have 2 kids by 35. If you are being honest with yourself and there was no way to have seen that he wasn't a good match and you didn't boil bunnies/over smother etc, what would would have been a perfectly good relationship, you have to chalk it up to crap happens. Someone can have something happen in their life that you can't foresee and how they deal with it is detrimental to your relationship and there is t anything you can do about it if they aren't willing to fight for your relationship and figure their stuff out.

[Anonymous]

What about when the person doing all the texting but is in a relationship does have all his needs met, including emotional needs? Does this just mean he is a cheating asshole? I'm thinking the answer to that is yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about when the person doing all the texting but is in a relationship does have all his needs met, including emotional needs? Does this just mean he is a cheating asshole? I'm thinking the answer to that is yes.

You're not getting it. If they are looking outside the relationship, their needs are not being met. This is not a reflection of the other person in the relationship. Some people are just big, gaping chasms of narcissistic need. In general, they have something in them that cannot be filled by anyone but themselves but will continue to try to find someone/something else. Seeking Sex, attention, booze, shopping... Same issue. It's not because they are assholes, (well, some are), but in general a problem in self esteem and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may not feel lucky, but you really are. You are fortunate that you found out before you moved in together. That you found out before you potentially got married. That you found out before you had any kids with him. There could be 1001 reasons why he is running away from your relationship. Maybe an ex cheated on him and he fears ever getting close again and moving in made it too real. Maybe he doesn't feel his relationship with you is right and couldn't be upfront about it. I've only seen it once where someone had the courage to break up with someone they had been dating two years ...without anyone waiting in the wings, because ultimately the person didn't feel the SO was for them long term even though the relationship itself wasn't bad and in this case the guy was thinking about marriage. I think way more people either slide into living together/marriage because they are afraid of starting over or convince themselves it isn't that bad or they try to line up the next relationship and/or act an assho&& so the other person breaks up with them and they never had to actually directly make the decision to break up without knowing if they would ever find someone else. I think though when you start making up imaginary stories as why someone behaves that way, while it can make you feel better, it is ultimately a pointless exercise.

You can actually be able to answer questions about your own part in the relationship to see if there are things you would want to do differently in your next relationship. Did you ignore obvious red flags all along that he didn't really want to settle down OR was not great about communicating relationship issues you guys had along the way? Were you respectful about trying to compromise/find middle ground where you guys may have differed and was he? Were you not that far apart in your thinking of the big things so that every single thing wasn't about finding a compromise - I'm thinking of those posts about introvert dating extrovert or spender dating frugal or with family 24-7 dating enough is enough, or changes jobs/risk taker dating someone that would not be happy living that way, or never wants to get married dating would like to get married and have 2 kids by 35. If you are being honest with yourself and there was no way to have seen that he wasn't a good match and you didn't boil bunnies/over smother etc, what would would have been a perfectly good relationship, you have to chalk it up to crap happens. Someone can have something happen in their life that you can't foresee and how they deal with it is detrimental to your relationship and there is t anything you can do about it if they aren't willing to fight for your relationship and figure their stuff out.

I think that, for me, the most difficult thing about this relationship he has going here is the fact that I keep coming up with (even before I posted here) the answer that it's because something is missing for him or he wasn't getting what he needed from his primary relationship. It really hurts me to think that because that puts the responsibility on me and that makes me feel even worse : what didn't I do/what did I do/what did I do wrong/what's wrong with me/why her/what's she doing that I didn't do? I can't bear the thought that I could have avoided this outcome if I had known there was a problem or if I had done something differently.
A few of you have pointed out that although he may not have been getting what he needed, it doesn't necessarily mean that I wasn't providing it which helps a lot. What is hard here is the fact that he told me "Maybe I don't love you enough. You love me more than I love you," but he never let on that this was the case before. I only knew this once I asked him to stop this emotional affair with her and he didn't want to which resulted in me making the decision to break up with him. I do love him but I am not going to try and work something out with someone who does not want to work it out. Going down that path will only lead to more heartbreak. I am convinced I made the right decision but it doesn't make dealing with all of this any easier.

He seemed happy. We were happy. He never spoke to me about something that he needed that I wasn't providing or that he wasn't getting in our relationship. Not once. It's very unfair to just check out of a partnership without informing the other person concerned so that when they realise there is a problem, it's too late to do anything about it. He's done a combination of the things you've mentioned above : I think the relationship wasn't working out for him but he was too much of a coward/didn't want to hurt me to do anything about it and he behaved badly forcing me to make the decision. I feel tricked into doing something that every fibre of my being didn't want. I told him that I'm not stopping "us" because I don't love him but because he has given me no choice. How on earth can I stay with someone who is (less and less) physically there but emotionally elsewhere? He checked out a month before I broke up. For him, he was single but he just forgot to tell me that I was too apparently. It's not what I expected from him, I am disappointed in him and I don't understand how he can prefer this virtula thing he has going on to a real relationship with someone he has been with for two years. I know I should just say "You were lucky. This could have dragged on for a lot longer, making you feel even worse" and I know that trying to understand is pointless but it keeps going round and round in my head.

To answer your questions : yes, I may have ignored some red flags. He's never been comfortable with me talking about the future, even when I'm joking. I could say something like "I promise that I won't get fat and saggy after 50 if you do!" and he'd answer something like "Who knows where we'll be after 50?" I got angry with him once and said that "If he doesn't care then I won't either. Please stop saying things like that." And he did. Now, I realise that he may not have been saying it - which means I sort of forgot about it - but it was still what he was thinking. He only ever said "I love you" in after I did. He'd say other sweet things but not "I love" spontaneously. He's not a big talker. Never has been. His own family will ask me questions about him because "You know, we never get anything out of him." I've never been on his case about that and just accepted "I've always been this way with everyone." I'd always have to work a conversation. He'd be willing to listen and comment but rarely seemed to instigate conversations himself. This is partly what is bothering me : what could he possibly be texting all day to this woman and speaking about on the phone with her?! He DOESN'T talk! Why is he talking to her and never did to me? Do you see why this bothers me? I am wondering if he ahs this emotional connection with her that Iwanted with him but didn't really have because he was always hiding behind the fact that he doesn't really talk. This is the problem for me in a nutshell. It's not like I didn't try for heaven's sakes. I tried all the time.
He wasn't the perfect match but he is a lovely, affectionate, charming, intelligent, sweet man and he made me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may not feel lucky, but you really are. You are fortunate that you found out before you moved in together. That you found out before you potentially got married. That you found out before you had any kids with him. There could be 1001 reasons why he is running away from your relationship. Maybe an ex cheated on him and he fears ever getting close again and moving in made it too real. Maybe he doesn't feel his relationship with you is right and couldn't be upfront about it. I've only seen it once where someone had the courage to break up with someone they had been dating two years ...without anyone waiting in the wings, because ultimately the person didn't feel the SO was for them long term even though the relationship itself wasn't bad and in this case the guy was thinking about marriage. I think way more people either slide into living together/marriage because they are afraid of starting over or convince themselves it isn't that bad or they try to line up the next relationship and/or act an assho&& so the other person breaks up with them and they never had to actually directly make the decision to break up without knowing if they would ever find someone else. I think though when you start making up imaginary stories as why someone behaves that way, while it can make you feel better, it is ultimately a pointless exercise.

You can actually be able to answer questions about your own part in the relationship to see if there are things you would want to do differently in your next relationship. Did you ignore obvious red flags all along that he didn't really want to settle down OR was not great about communicating relationship issues you guys had along the way? Were you respectful about trying to compromise/find middle ground where you guys may have differed and was he? Were you not that far apart in your thinking of the big things so that every single thing wasn't about finding a compromise - I'm thinking of those posts about introvert dating extrovert or spender dating frugal or with family 24-7 dating enough is enough, or changes jobs/risk taker dating someone that would not be happy living that way, or never wants to get married dating would like to get married and have 2 kids by 35. If you are being honest with yourself and there was no way to have seen that he wasn't a good match and you didn't boil bunnies/over smother etc, what would would have been a perfectly good relationship, you have to chalk it up to crap happens. Someone can have something happen in their life that you can't foresee and how they deal with it is detrimental to your relationship and there is t anything you can do about it if they aren't willing to fight for your relationship and figure their stuff out.

I think that, for me, the most difficult thing about this relationship he has going here is the fact that I keep coming up with (even before I posted here) the answer that it's because something is missing for him or he wasn't getting what he needed from his primary relationship. It really hurts me to think that because that puts the responsibility on me and that makes me feel even worse : what didn't I do/what did I do/what did I do wrong/what's wrong with me/why her/what's she doing that I didn't do? I can't bear the thought that I could have avoided this outcome if I had known there was a problem or if I had done something differently.
A few of you have pointed out that although he may not have been getting what he needed, it doesn't necessarily mean that I wasn't providing it which helps a lot. What is hard here is the fact that he told me "Maybe I don't love you enough. You love me more than I love you," but he never let on that this was the case before. I only knew this once I asked him to stop this emotional affair with her and he didn't want to which resulted in me making the decision to break up with him. I do love him but I am not going to try and work something out with someone who does not want to work it out. Going down that path will only lead to more heartbreak. I am convinced I made the right decision but it doesn't make dealing with all of this any easier.

He seemed happy. We were happy. He never spoke to me about something that he needed that I wasn't providing or that he wasn't getting in our relationship. Not once. It's very unfair to just check out of a partnership without informing the other person concerned so that when they realise there is a problem, it's too late to do anything about it. He's done a combination of the things you've mentioned above : I think the relationship wasn't working out for him but he was too much of a coward/didn't want to hurt me to do anything about it and he behaved badly forcing me to make the decision. I feel tricked into doing something that every fibre of my being didn't want. I told him that I'm not stopping "us" because I don't love him but because he has given me no choice. How on earth can I stay with someone who is (less and less) physically there but emotionally elsewhere? He checked out a month before I broke up. For him, he was single but he just forgot to tell me that I was too apparently. It's not what I expected from him, I am disappointed in him and I don't understand how he can prefer this virtula thing he has going on to a real relationship with someone he has been with for two years. I know I should just say "You were lucky. This could have dragged on for a lot longer, making you feel even worse" and I know that trying to understand is pointless but it keeps going round and round in my head.

To answer your questions : yes, I may have ignored some red flags. He's never been comfortable with me talking about the future, even when I'm joking. I could say something like "I promise that I won't get fat and saggy after 50 if you do!" and he'd answer something like "Who knows where we'll be after 50?" I got angry with him once and said that "If he doesn't care then I won't either. Please stop saying things like that." And he did. Now, I realise that he may not have been saying it - which means I sort of forgot about it - but it was still what he was thinking. He only ever said "I love you" in after I did. He'd say other sweet things but not "I love" spontaneously. He's not a big talker. Never has been. His own family will ask me questions about him because "You know, we never get anything out of him." I've never been on his case about that and just accepted "I've always been this way with everyone." I'd always have to work a conversation. He'd be willing to listen and comment but rarely seemed to instigate conversations himself. This is partly what is bothering me : what could he possibly be texting all day to this woman and speaking about on the phone with her?! He DOESN'T talk! Why is he talking to her and never did to me? Do you see why this bothers me? I am wondering if he ahs this emotional connection with her that Iwanted with him but didn't really have because he was always hiding behind the fact that he doesn't really talk. This is the problem for me in a nutshell. It's not like I didn't try for heaven's sakes. I tried all the time.
He wasn't the perfect match but he is a lovely, affectionate, charming, intelligent, sweet man and he made me happy.

Maybe he can confide in here because there is not much she can ask for from him since she's married with kids. You are single and available and want a future.

But he may have been having doubts that weren't expressed and still loved you, those two things can happen. It sounds like once it came time to pull the trigger on "more" he directed his attentions elsewhere possibly trying to create a situation where you would leave him.

This is all speculation. You may never understand this situation, but you will need to find peace with it and move on.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP again : yes, this is what I am coming up with too. But, it's also speculation on my part. He's the one who asked me to move in with him and he did it in front of his and my children. I didn't push anything. A month later, he changed his mind and then he started this textual/emotional affair and ended up telling me "Maybe I don't love you enough." That's pretty clear, isn't it? I'm just having a really hard time coming to terms with it. Partly because, it's hard to deal with and partly because of him bringing this woman into our lives.
If he had sat down and told me "Look, I'm not happy. I want to break up," it would have been devastating but probably easier to handle in the long run than the way he ahs handled things. Because I don't know what to think or believe. What is she doing in the middle of all of this and is it because of her that he feels this way?

I have made the decision a hundred times over the last couple of weeks to just accept the sentence "Maybe I don't love you enough," as meaning that he doesn't love me and that there's nothing I can do about it and to forget the fact that there is this woman in the middle of all of this because she makes no difference to the outcome BUT I keep coming back to it. I am annoying even myself with my constant nagging at it.
I really need to let it go and just accept that the man I love does not love me and maybe I did so something wrong and maybe I didn't. It's a very difficult and heart-breaking thing to do though.

[Anonymous]

I know you are caught up on that sentence, and I don't blame you it is harsh, but consider for a moment that he didn't mean it the way you took it. When people are breaking up all kinds of things get said that people may or may not mean. It could've been a throw away comment said out of annoyance just to get you to stop talking. A way to grind a conversation he doesn't want to have to a screeching halt. A way to wound you so you will stop trying to discuss the situation with him. An answer he gave to your question of why because he just doesn't know what else to say, doesn't have a real answer. It could be anything!

I wouldn't move forward with the thought hanging over my head that he had done a lot of introspection and just decided he never loved me enough. It's just as (if not more) likely that he said the first thing that came to mind that would shut the conversation down. Try not to be haunted.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your comment. It's appreciated!
It would be lovely to believe it but sadly - for me - he seems delighted that he is now free. Mutual friends tell me that he's happy, has said that he's doing fine. Business as usual. The last time I spoke to him he seemed relieved, almost giddy with it actually. He even told me "We had lots of good moments together, that's what counts!" while he was bouncing around the room getting things done. It was followed with "Life is good. It has to be good", "I'll probably always be single" (that one was said with a huge smile) and "I have absolutely no feelings for you anymore at all". When I said "Your feelings just disappeared in a day?!", he answered that "No, they disappeared little bit by little bit."
So, we went from ihm saying "I love you" to "Maybe I don't love you enough" to "I have absolutely no feelings for you at all anymore" in the space of a week (but in reality he probably hasn't loved me for a lot longer than that). And this texting thing slap in the middle of all of it.

I've been really thinking long and hard about this the last couple of days and I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't love me and realised it after he asked me to move in with him OR has known it for a long time but didn't want to admit it to himself. I'm not sure when and where this woman and the emotional affair fit in but (probably unconsciously) he got into with her to make the transition from being with me to not being with me easier. He didn't have the courage to sit me down and break it off with me and just decided (again maybe unconsciously) to do a slow fade in the hopes that I'd get the message and go away without a fuss or do the dirty and break up with him. I have to think that he really didn't care very much about me or respect me to behave this way but what else am I to conclude?

Yes, he has not manned-up which brings up all sorts of comments like "Thank goodness this happened only two years in because avoiding them is obviously the way he deals with problems and you don't want to live with someone like that" or "You probably didn't know him very well and have just seen a part of him that you don't like. You made the right decision to walk away because you can't live with someone who behaves this way or who doesn't love you."
So, while all of that is true and all very well, it is still very difficult and sad to lose someone you love this way. And I thought that trying to understand what he is getting out of his emotional affair might help me but I suppose it doesn't actually change anything. That will go on for as long as it serves some purpose but I honestly doubt that anything solid will come oout of it. The woman is not available, for heaven's sakes. Or not immediately so anyway. How on earth can you build something worthwhile out of texting and phoning another man while you are still married to, working with and living with your husband and your kids three hours away? They'll either have to get it done properly or let it go after a while. Probably when one, if not both of them, manage to get their heads out of their backsides and gain some self-awareness into their motives and behaviours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your comment. It's appreciated!
It would be lovely to believe it but sadly - for me - he seems delighted that he is now free. Mutual friends tell me that he's happy, has said that he's doing fine. Business as usual. The last time I spoke to him he seemed relieved, almost giddy with it actually. He even told me "We had lots of good moments together, that's what counts!" while he was bouncing around the room getting things done. It was followed with "Life is good. It has to be good", "I'll probably always be single" (that one was said with a huge smile) and "I have absolutely no feelings for you anymore at all". When I said "Your feelings just disappeared in a day?!", he answered that "No, they disappeared little bit by little bit."
So, we went from ihm saying "I love you" to "Maybe I don't love you enough" to "I have absolutely no feelings for you at all anymore" in the space of a week (but in reality he probably hasn't loved me for a lot longer than that). And this texting thing slap in the middle of all of it.

I've been really thinking long and hard about this the last couple of days and I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't love me and realised it after he asked me to move in with him OR has known it for a long time but didn't want to admit it to himself. I'm not sure when and where this woman and the emotional affair fit in but (probably unconsciously) he got into with her to make the transition from being with me to not being with me easier. He didn't have the courage to sit me down and break it off with me and just decided (again maybe unconsciously) to do a slow fade in the hopes that I'd get the message and go away without a fuss or do the dirty and break up with him. I have to think that he really didn't care very much about me or respect me to behave this way but what else am I to conclude?

Yes, he has not manned-up which brings up all sorts of comments like "Thank goodness this happened only two years in because avoiding them is obviously the way he deals with problems and you don't want to live with someone like that" or "You probably didn't know him very well and have just seen a part of him that you don't like. You made the right decision to walk away because you can't live with someone who behaves this way or who doesn't love you."
So, while all of that is true and all very well, it is still very difficult and sad to lose someone you love this way. And I thought that trying to understand what he is getting out of his emotional affair might help me but I suppose it doesn't actually change anything. That will go on for as long as it serves some purpose but I honestly doubt that anything solid will come oout of it. The woman is not available, for heaven's sakes. Or not immediately so anyway. How on earth can you build something worthwhile out of texting and phoning another man while you are still married to, working with and living with your husband and your kids three hours away? They'll either have to get it done properly or let it go after a while. Probably when one, if not both of them, manage to get their heads out of their backsides and gain some self-awareness into their motives and behaviours.

The bolded is the thing. You're still trying to apply YOUR rationale to them. Maybe she/he isn't trying to build anything "worthwhile" - that's what you're doing when you pursue a relationship, but it isn't what everyone does when they interact with another romantically. People have affairs. People have casual sex. People have work and online flirtations. Some people catfish and build entire fake relationships under identities they don't possess. It doesn't make sense to anyone but the people doing the things.

They may NEVER pull their heads out of their asses. They may never gain awareness into the motives and behaviors, so you definitely never will. You're trying to figure it out because doing so will give you some degree of control over the situation to make you think you'll be able to avoid it in the future, like someone who was robbed obsessively reading all the crime reports and getting every single possible home-safety gadget and alarm system. It happened. It sucks. Don't date until you feel ready again. See a therapist if you need to. But for your own sake, stop trying to figure it out without the help of one.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Gack, guilty again. Yes, I am trying to understand something I can't. Yes, it does suck. Yes, it's none of my business. Yes, I want it to go away or to never have happened. But mostly, I'm trying to understand. I'm nt quite sure how to let it go without making some sense of it and how it relates to me and to our relationship.

[Anonymous]

...and I just wanted to say that although it's technically not my business and I get what you're saying, it's a pretty crappy deal to be on the receiving end of. To think that something not worthwhile was more worthwhile than what we had is hard. So hard. So, I'm trying to make sens of it, I admit. But then, I could come full circle back to my post that you answered to and say that the two things are not related. We are no longer together because he doesn't love me. This textual thng has nothing to do with that at all.

[Anonymous]

...although the textualy relationship overlapped ours and started, at least, a month before I broke it off. That's what gets me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're trying to understand the dichotomy between him asking you to move in with him in front of both your children and one short month later having "no feelings for you whatsoever" and being immersed in a 24x7 textual affair.
you're going back and forth again and again and again, trying to understand how you got from one to the other, in a state of shock.

But can't you see that this reflects on HIM, not you? That very dichotomy of being "all in", then "all out so suddenly and swiftly - that reflects a person with real issues with intimacy and sustaining a true relationship. It reflects a person who isn't looking inward or reflecting on his behavior.
And it reflects someone who is scared of a relationship with a "future".

You have been focusing on all the good things you had together and kind of glossing over the red flags, which were actually significant. And I recognize you from your prior post where you said that he developed an intense flirtation with a co-worker that he almost broke up with you over, but he chose to stay with you and you worked through it. So all if this really wasn't "out of the blue", and that's important for you to recognize.

After reading your prior post, and this one, it's clear from the OUTSIDE looking in that there were red flags and this wasn't out of nowhere, but it's easier for us to see becayse we weren't living in the relationship like you were.

Clearly there were a lot of good things and you felt the connection, and his love. And I think those things were real, and it's what makes it so difficult to understand how it all fell apart. But it all reflects on something missing in him.

I don't think it's a coincidence that things fell apart so soon after he asked you to move in with him; I think that the two things might very well be related. He freaked out about building a future in a very real relationship with you.

Some day when you get some distance from all of this that it does indeed reflect in him and not you that he chose to end things with you and pursue a relationship with absolutely no
whatsoever - this woman has a husband and kids and lives far away - and now seems "relieved" and happy as a clam. Of course he's relieved! He's off the hook and can enjoy the relationship without any real committment.

Finally, in your last post, as well as this one, you keep focusing in the fact that he forced you to end things, and leave him, and you hate that you had to do it and seem to second-guess yourself about it. But HE left YOU when he became involved with this woman, and he was already invested with her long before those two days you speak of. He never had any intention of giving that up and he made sure that the relationship was as inhospitable to you as possible so that you would leave. He was already gone.

So as PP said, you can't use your own rationale to understand his. He's a damaged person. And what a d**ckwad to F with someone's family and carry out an affair like this. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

So just to add, you didn't really break it off, he did. Even if you were the one who said the words, he ended it, not you. So you need to let go of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to understand the dichotomy between him asking you to move in with him in front of both your children and one short month later having "no feelings for you whatsoever" and being immersed in a 24x7 textual affair.
you're going back and forth again and again and again, trying to understand how you got from one to the other, in a state of shock.

But can't you see that this reflects on HIM, not you? That very dichotomy of being "all in", then "all out so suddenly and swiftly - that reflects a person with real issues with intimacy and sustaining a true relationship. It reflects a person who isn't looking inward or reflecting on his behavior.
And it reflects someone who is scared of a relationship with a "future".

You have been focusing on all the good things you had together and kind of glossing over the red flags, which were actually significant. And I recognize you from your prior post where you said that he developed an intense flirtation with a co-worker that he almost broke up with you over, but he chose to stay with you and you worked through it. So all if this really wasn't "out of the blue", and that's important for you to recognize.

After reading your prior post, and this one, it's clear from the OUTSIDE looking in that there were red flags and this wasn't out of nowhere, but it's easier for us to see becayse we weren't living in the relationship like you were.

Clearly there were a lot of good things and you felt the connection, and his love. And I think those things were real, and it's what makes it so difficult to understand how it all fell apart. But it all reflects on something missing in him.

I don't think it's a coincidence that things fell apart so soon after he asked you to move in with him; I think that the two things might very well be related. He freaked out about building a future in a very real relationship with you.

Some day when you get some distance from all of this that it does indeed reflect in him and not you that he chose to end things with you and pursue a relationship with absolutely no
whatsoever - this woman has a husband and kids and lives far away - and now seems "relieved" and happy as a clam. Of course he's relieved! He's off the hook and can enjoy the relationship without any real committment.

Finally, in your last post, as well as this one, you keep focusing in the fact that he forced you to end things, and leave him, and you hate that you had to do it and seem to second-guess yourself about it. But HE left YOU when he became involved with this woman, and he was already invested with her long before those two days you speak of. He never had any intention of giving that up and he made sure that the relationship was as inhospitable to you as possible so that you would leave. He was already gone.

So as PP said, you can't use your own rationale to understand his. He's a damaged person. And what a d**ckwad to F with someone's family and carry out an affair like this. Good riddance.

Ugh, sorry for the typos. Meant to say that there is absolutely no future with this woman whatsoever.