How to deal with this: FIL is angry that we are not asking him to babysit

[Anonymous]

What do you do when you do not trust a grandparent to babysit? How do you explain it to the grandparent?

We are going out of town this weekend. We arranged babysitting with bro and SIL a month ago. Today, FIL texted me to say he would be more than happy to stay with ds while we are gone. It was a short and friendly text in a nice tone of voice. I texted him back saying we already arranged for him to stay with my brother and SIL, but thank you!! Some hours pass. Then I get this weird text saying "I think that is great. Who am I anyway, I am just DS's father's father. Why do I deserve any opportunity to spend time with my grandson? Please drop the subject and don't ever think I will mention it again." My first thought is that he was kind of baiting me, seeing as though he knows we'd had this trip planned for over a month now...surely he knew we'd already locked down babysitting.

As for opportunity to spend time with his grandson, we just spent 3 days with him at the vacation home over 4th of July weekend. I can think of 3 other opportunities he's had to be with us in the past two months that he's cancelled last minute, or just plain didn't show up because he had the time wrong. This is actually the second time he's expressed irritation about us not asking him to watch ds while we're away (although it was more just eye rolling and mild scoffing last time). It really really rubs me the wrong way that he is gunning for this alone time with ds. Because my intuition/spidey sense has been up the past couple of years due to the way he doesn't respect ds's boundaries, and expresses affection in an unusually...I don't know, weird way (I'm having a hard time convincing DH of this, and I admit it's just a bad vibe and anything concrete isn't obvious). Also, just to keep this brief, he has some basic issues that come with aging that make him not the best option for full responsibility of a 3 year old, even to the point of us wondering about the onset of dementia because of some of the things he says and does.

So, what do we do? How do I tell him we don't trust him to babysit? I know we're not the only people to have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to tell him anything. Just say you've made arrangements and we will see you at the next family get together.

[Anonymous]

Don't do anything. Carry on as planned with babysitting and with not giving him alone time because you don't like his lack of boundaries.

Anyone who presses for alone time with a child always seems weird to me. The idea that you can't bond with a kid unless you're alone with them is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

You don't tell him you don't trust him to babysit. It will just cause problems and he will never see it the way you do ( he will think because he raised a 3 year old before clearly he should be capable)

I don't think you are wrong in having brother and SIL be the caregiver. I also would not want to make childcare arrangements with someone who bails at the last minute.

If you or DH really want to give him some alone time I would ask for small things (let him take DS to the park one morning or watch him while you are on a date)

The text sounds petty and ridiculous. I would not engage and if you feel like you need to respond to the text don't respond via text, talk in person. Even better of DH is there for the convo.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I didn't respond to the text. I haven't even had a chance to show dh yet, he's out of town until tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

That is obnoxious. Do not respond and definitely show the text to DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, before you even mentioned your spidey sense I was getting the exact same vibe from your post. It's weird that he is trying to guilt trip you into spending time alone with your son after you just saw him. I wouldn't let him watch your son alone. You don't have to tell him why, just always make other arrangements.

[Anonymous]

Was he drinking when he texted? Sounded like drunk dialing.

[Anonymous]

Ignore.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yeah it totally sounded like drunk texting to me too, and it was 11:30pm too. But he doesn't drink much other than wo e with dinner here and there so I dismissed the idea. Anything is possible though.

[Anonymous]

I think he may just be feeling hurt/excluded/unwanted and it is coming out as an attack on you guys. I don't think you should respond or "give in" but perhaps find ways to address those feelings in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he may just be feeling hurt/excluded/unwanted and it is coming out as an attack on you guys. I don't think you should respond or "give in" but perhaps find ways to address those feelings in the future.

Missed the "spidey sense". Nevermind.

[Anonymous]

Everyone else is giving good advice... just keep doing what you're doing. And, FIL told you he'll never bring it up again. Hold him to it.

[Anonymous]

That sounds exactly like the texts my dad sends when he's drunk. I hate them so much. I usually ignore at the time, then bring it up casually a while later and he either doesn't remember or is embarrassed and brushes it off. Hopefully that's what happens with you.

[Anonymous]

He sounds negative, self-centered, and unstable, not someone who should be left alone with a child.