How to deal with this: FIL is angry that we are not asking him to babysit

[Anonymous]

Op, you do not have to find a way to "explain" your decision. Any decision. Make sure you are direct so there is no wishy-washy "maybe" implied.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is not going well. I actually thought FIL might apologize and we'd just let it go. But dh was pretty irritated by the text, called FIL, and I don't know how the conversation was initiated...whether dh went in with guns blazing or if he started it off gently. But basically FIL thought my text was rude and snotty (exact quote "we've arranged to take ds to bro and sil's. Thanks!!!") And when dh reminded him that he's had ample opportunity to spend time with ds, FIL called those "excuses," and brought up that we've asked my brother to sit the past 3 times we've gone on a trip, and FIL "should" be the one taking care of ds. FIL remains angry. Im not used to this, my family has a grin abd bear it style to keep the peace!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, this is not going well. I actually thought FIL might apologize and we'd just let it go. But dh was pretty irritated by the text, called FIL, and I don't know how the conversation was initiated...whether dh went in with guns blazing or if he started it off gently. But basically FIL thought my text was rude and snotty (exact quote "we've arranged to take ds to bro and sil's. Thanks!!!") And when dh reminded him that he's had ample opportunity to spend time with ds, FIL called those "excuses," and brought up that we've asked my brother to sit the past 3 times we've gone on a trip, and FIL "should" be the one taking care of ds. FIL remains angry. Im not used to this, my family has a grin abd bear it style to keep the peace!

Actually I'd say that went well. My goal would be for spouse to communicate clearly with parent about what was going to happen. Sounds like that happened. No waffling. No back pedaling. No ducking the issue. Your FIL decided to be angry and overreact. That's on him, not you and husband.

Have a glass of wine and enjoy your evening. It's not up to you or husband to manage FIL's emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, this is not going well. I actually thought FIL might apologize and we'd just let it go. But dh was pretty irritated by the text, called FIL, and I don't know how the conversation was initiated...whether dh went in with guns blazing or if he started it off gently. But basically FIL thought my text was rude and snotty (exact quote "we've arranged to take ds to bro and sil's. Thanks!!!") And when dh reminded him that he's had ample opportunity to spend time with ds, FIL called those "excuses," and brought up that we've asked my brother to sit the past 3 times we've gone on a trip, and FIL "should" be the one taking care of ds. FIL remains angry. Im not used to this, my family has a grin abd bear it style to keep the peace!

Actually I'd say that went well. My goal would be for spouse to communicate clearly with parent about what was going to happen. Sounds like that happened. No waffling. No back pedaling. No ducking the issue. Your FIL decided to be angry and overreact. That's on him, not you and husband.

Have a glass of wine and enjoy your evening. It's not up to you or husband to manage FIL's emotions.

+1

Pour DH a nice big glass of wine and thank him for dealing with his dad.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I had a Margarita with dinner out tonight Will get dh a beer.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad that your husband spoke plainly to his father. It was the best thing to do, and at least now FIL should not have any expectations for the future.

And I'm sorry, but from what you describe it does seem as if he's declining (increased impulsivity, sudden moods, etc).

[Anonymous]

The fact that your FIL is so bitter and angered and still harping on this is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Your FIL sounds unwell. Thankfully your DH and you are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Like I said, we've been wondering what's going on with him lately, but never sure whether to chalk it up to stress or what. He does things like cancel plans at the last minute because he has to help a friend move a refrigerator or because he's helping somebody build a deck. So we don't know if he forgot about his plans or ran late, or just can't say no when somebody asks him for help (because he's always kind of been like that. But that's just one example of how he's kind of unreliable for one, but also more scatter brained than he was before. Now, if he's truly unwell I'm not sure what we'll do going forward.

[Anonymous]

A shot from left field here -- but his behavior sounds eerily similar to many alcoholics in my AA meetings. He cancels things at the last minute on a regular basis and avoids getting together with family. I wonder if he really is helping friends out. I suspect he drinks responsibly around all of you and then tucks into much more at home afterwards. That might also explain some of the other seemingly erratic or forgetful behavior.

Obviously I have never met the man and don't know him at all. You already have a spider sense that something is a little off -- perhaps this is a possibility.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, that is certainly a possibility. (Op here ). I just don't know. DH is really upset about this. He and FIL have been exchanging texts. FIL is now bringing up how he and mil (deceased) have helped us with loaning us money, and how he's helped dh with some home improvement projects. As though that has anything to do with whether we feel comfortable leaving ds alone with him while we go on vacation. FIL seems to think we owe him time alone ("quality time") with ds as payment for his generosity.

DH really wants to work things out but FIL is the most stubborn hard headed person I have ever met.

[Anonymous]

When did MIL pass away? Is he lonely? feeling forgotten? Irrelevant? I think some of these issues are common as people who are used to being important and influential age.

[Anonymous]

Do not respond to any emails or texts.
Your DH does all communication with him on this subject.

TRUST YOUR SPIDEY SENSE. And I am telling you this as someone who caused a major family blow up because I REFUSED to allow my child to be with someone in the extended family. My MIL was really pissed at me but I stood strong and will always be glad I did.

Do NOT allow this man to be alone with your child, ever. I beg you. Moms have spidey senses for a reason.

[Anonymous]

My ILs thought I was terrible because I did not wish to participate in heated discussions about "alone time" and I was dragged into a complex family conflict. I commend your DH for offering to handle discussions with your FIL.

[Anonymous]

1) Tellingme you're entitled to alone time with my kid ensures you won't get it.

2) I have no patience for adults who throw tantrums or, at the very least, don't apologize for them. How hard is it to say "I thought your text was hurtful and I wish I had more time with my grandson"?