If you grew up in a small town and escaped that life - do you take your kids back a lot?

[Anonymous]

DH and I grew up in the same small town about 2+ hrs south of here. My parents didn't go to college and neither did any of my older siblings/their spouses; life basically has consisted of taking whatever jobs are available -- at times it's good when manufacturing is hot; and then at times it's terrible esp. if a big factory in town closes or cuts hours. I was hellbent on leaving since I was about 15; DH -- my high school boyfriend -- didn't care one way or the other but basically was willing to follow me so I could follow my dreams. DH and I both went to state school -- lots of scholarships etc; we then moved 5+ hrs away so I could go to law school; then we ended up in 2 different big cities where I got biglaw jobs.

We're now back in DC about 2 hrs away from my family, and we used to go back all the time -- usually at least 1x/month -- to hang out with my parents, siblings, nieces/nephews. It was great when we were first married and also when my kids were babies -- they're very well loved by my family, love their cousins etc; we were happy to go back just to hang out or because a nephew was in a school play or had a track meet or whatever. Some of my siblings' kids however are now in their late teens/early 20s and starting to establish their own lives. It's the same cycle repeating as my own family -- they aren't going to college or going and dropping/failing out; girlfriends pregnant at age 20; no idea how they'll provide for new babies without any established career or trade; they don't want to stick with any thing like a skilled trade etc.

Thing is now my kids are old enough (mid elementary school) that they're starting to notice. I realize how important an extended family is, but I also don't understand how I'm supposed to teach my kids OUR expectations -- good grades in school; college; career of some kind; and preferably marriage then babies in that order -- when they can say "cousin John didn't go to college and doesn't work and he and Lauren have a baby, so what's the big deal?"

[Anonymous]

You are worrying too much, OP. Family is family. Everyone is different.

We have the opposite problem, as we grew up in a nicer area. And so it goes.....

[Anonymous]

I don't think your kids are going to see that as desirable. If they do, there is likely nothing you could have done to steer them otherwise. Keep up the visits, and keep directing your kids toward the future you think is best for them.

[Anonymous]

It is an issue that you'll have to navigate a bit through middle school and high school, but don't underestimate how much peers matter. If you're living in DC, your kids are going to be surrounded by peers who will all (almost) be going to college/prepping for college throughout high school etc. So it won't be a foreign or weird concept that their mom expects them to go to college -- bc 99% of their peers will be pursuing some kind of high education as well and they'll be the odd man out if they want to make their high school job at American Eagle into their career.

[Anonymous]

Why is "growing up in a small town" accepted as synonymous for poor/shiftless/unsuccessful? I grew up in a small town (village, really), and I'm not some kind of yokel.

My parents were successful professionals who simply wanted to raise their children somewhere where they could roam in the woods, play in creeks and boat on the lake, and have have animals. My dad commuted into the city each day for work. I really resent it when people assume I'm some kind of yokel because I grew up in the country. Some people actually LIKE "small towns", but aren't rednecks to be pitied.

[Anonymous]

PP I get it not every small town family has to consist of now professionals -- but in this case it IS a family in a small town and within that family people don't go to college, pursue trades etc. and rather just work in retail jobs. The issues for the OP would be the same whether this family was in NYC or rural NC.

[Anonymous]

We go back once a year during the summer months and try to only deal with my parents. Too much "god stuff" in my rural home town and stunning prejudices. I just don't want my kids around that. And actually neither do my parents. My parents spend several months in the winter here with us.

[Anonymous]

similar situation for me, my kids love and adore the cousins, but have no desire to live the same life as them.

[Anonymous]

I do, but only on Sundays for Sunday night dinner. But it's infrequent enough that it's still within the scope of "Different families do different things. Our family does X."

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very disrespectful snob. Never speak ill of your family just because you live better. It's mean and hateful. YOU came from them, try to at least show some class.

Life happens. If your kids end up like the family you look down on, you deal. It's a 50/50 shot. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.

The part about what your kid said ? I don't believe that. Sounds like something YOU said. That's not right.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a small rural town in NC. I haven't been back in a decade. Luckily my family comes to visit us and my parents have a beach house and we visit them there. So it's not my family that's the problem, it's the small town. I'm not sure why because I had a pretty happy childhood. But I shudder when I think of going back.

[Anonymous]

Thing is now my kids are old enough (mid elementary school) that they're starting to notice. I realize how important an extended family is, but I also don't understand how I'm supposed to teach my kids OUR expectations -- good grades in school; college; career of some kind; and preferably marriage then babies in that order -- when they can say "cousin John didn't go to college and doesn't work and he and Lauren have a baby, so what's the big deal?"

You really don't know how to communicate and teach your kids your values and your expectations? You think the model your family presents is more influential than that of you and your DH? All that education and you can't figure it out.......

You think they're not going to go to school with kids who underachieve, drop out, knock someone up, get pregnant, do drugs or don't go to college? I sure hope you plan on sending your kids to an exclusive private school - but you'll need to prepare yourselves to deal with the effects of 'affluenza'. They can be pretty bad, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I read your post with great interest because I could have written it myself! Very, very similar situation with our family. As you said, when the kids are little, it doesn't really matter, but as they get older, they do start to notice and question a lot more. We adore our small-town family, but it seems like every time we go home, some cousin or friend or neighbor is pregnant and unmarried (again) or divorced (again) and it just gets really old. Higher education isn't a priority and employment is sporadic, at best.

That said, I agree with the PP who said what really matters are your values and the other kids your children will be going to school with and seeing every day. As our kids are getting older, I can tell they're seeing the difference in what we expect for their future and what life is like in this small town - very, very narrow.

And as for the PP who pointed out that not all small towns harbor rednecks and uneducated people - of course that's true. I'd actually like to love in a small village like that PP described. But the OP wasn't talking about an idyllic place in the country at all - she was talking about a very different atmosphere that I can completely relate to as I know that kind of small, rural town very well. I just hope our kids see what is possible outside of that kind of life, and go for it.

[Anonymous]

You "escaped", but yet you are not intelligent enough to realize that visiting family is not going to change the core values that you've tought your kids?

[Anonymous]

OP,

My mother was like you. She constantly compared me to my not-so-fortunate cousin, and every time I had a bad grade, would threaten: "Do you want to end up like cousin X?" I grew up with disdain for my cousin and part of my family, which I now regret. It definitely wasn't my cousin's fault that he didn't have a stable family life and didn't receive a solid education, and his mother's issues weren't her fault either. Now we never see them, and I wish my mother had made more of an effort to present a more balanced picture to me.

You have to make YOUR lifestyle attractive to your children, instead of pointing out the flaws in other people's choices.