If you grew up in a small town and escaped that life - do you take your kids back a lot?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- just to be clear, my 3rd grader hasn't said -- so what if I don't go to college or so what if I have a kid at 19, they did. But I can see him saying/thinking that way at age 13. Yes -- we'd punish him for backtalk, but we can't stop the observations -- whether he ever voices them to us or not.

For those saying I'm elitist and I look down on my family -- you have every right to your opinion, but if I hated them so much, why would I be going back every month for every event with them? I don't look down on my family, and I actually DON'T believe that everyone HAS to go to college. However having grown up someplace with economic hardship, I do believe that everyone has to develop some kind of specialized skill -- so if you're not going to college, you better be learning a trade that's employable. I have too many family members who have jumped from retail job to retail job to an occasional factory job for their whole lives -- and when I see the next generation -- my nieces and nephews doing it, I do feel bad that they don't realize or even want to realize that life could be a LOT easier for them going forward if they'd just dedicate 2-4 yrs to college or training for something now. You can say I'm looking down on him -- but I am sad for my 20 yr old nephew who just got his girlfriend pregnant; being a 20 yr old married father working 2 part time jobs is not going to be easy for him.

So yeah -- I want my kids choosing different roads bc I want their lives to be as "easy" as possible -- not that ease is ever guaranteed.

[Anonymous]

"escaped" ?

If you can't recognize any good qualities re: the area, then your children's poor relationships w/extended family is your fault. Children pick up on this big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"escaped" ?

If you can't recognize any good qualities re: the area, then your children's poor relationships w/extended family is your fault. Children pick up on this big time.

I think OP said the kids love the extended fam and the extended fam loves the kids. Where are you reading that there are poor relationships??

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn't matter where you are from. What matters is how extended family treats your children. If you have awful cousins/family, don't see them often (or at all), problem solved.

OTOH, as you describe, it seems your cousins and extended family are pleasant and warm toward you and your children and spouse. If they treat you, your spouse, and your children in a kind manner, that is really all that matters.

My children see their cousins every summer, because they enjoy each other, and play well together. They have a positive relationship that is mutually respectful. It doesn't occur to them to do exactly as their cousins do, as much as they like and also love them.

OTOH, MIL lives down the street and doesn't bother with us. The children know this. They don't think much of her, and see her actions as a reflection on her. They certainly do not emulate her, or want to be like her, or want to spend time with her!

Rich or poor is really not a factor. There are a-holes that are poor, and there are a-holes that are rich. I think many people in this area come from nothing and clearly to to over compensate. It shows. Be yourself, and teach your children to be themselves, and they will be successful in life.

[Anonymous]

to to =try to

[Anonymous]

I just wouldn't visit very often or for very extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

I worry more about the ignorant household in which your children are growing up in now. You sound just like your family back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go back once a year during the summer months and try to only deal with my parents. Too much "god stuff" in my rural home town and stunning prejudices. I just don't want my kids around that. And actually neither do my parents. My parents spend several months in the winter here with us.

This is how I feel about my hometown. I don't ever want my child around that shit. We go back for Christmas every year but after our DD is old enough to understand the hypocritical crap they spew regularly my parents will have to come here for all holidays.

[Anonymous]

Op is self-loathing and passing that on to her kids. Saddling them with your baggage is the worst thing you can do. I see so many parents make this mistake.

[Anonymous]

I grew up/ saw what your children are experiencing. My dad was the only one of 6 siblings to "get out" go to college and get a job. ( he joined the army at 18 to do it.) we were by no means rich growing up - west Springfield, townhouse etc. But when we went to visit his family, my cousins had obviously been told I was a spoiled rich girl. In fact they called me "the rich bitch from Virginia who lives on a plantation" (?) ( until they found out we lived in a townhouse and then made fun of me for living in a 'row house' ). It was horrible and around age 10 I would do anything possible to avoid hose family trips. However, I did see how they were living and I knew I did NOT what to be like that. (Kids at 17, getting into trouble etc). My parents never had to 'warn' or threaten me- I could see it, and it made me work harder in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up/ saw what your children are experiencing. My dad was the only one of 6 siblings to "get out" go to college and get a job. ( he joined the army at 18 to do it.) we were by no means rich growing up - west Springfield, townhouse etc. But when we went to visit his family, my cousins had obviously been told I was a spoiled rich girl. In fact they called me "the rich bitch from Virginia who lives on a plantation" (?) ( until they found out we lived in a townhouse and then made fun of me for living in a 'row house' ). It was horrible and around age 10 I would do anything possible to avoid hose family trips. However, I did see how they were living and I knew I did NOT what to be like that. (Kids at 17, getting into trouble etc). My parents never had to 'warn' or threaten me- I could see it, and it made me work harder in school.

OP - this stuff has a way of working out. Sure in middle school, your kids may think -- cousin so and so doesn't have to get good grades or think about college and mom and dad love him since he's their nephew -- why a different standard for me?? Yet by high school, it will sink in that a cousin who is just 2 yrs older has a baby and is living at home, working retail part time etc. -- and they will think -- wow a baby 2 yrs from now!? WTH I'm looking forward to going away to college and living at school, partying etc. no way would I want a kid now. That life isn't going to seem glamorous to them when they get older and see people just 1-2 yrs older than them in very "adult" situations re babies, finances etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

[Anonymous]

Op if you pay for your children's college education chances are they will go to college. Sounds like your nieces and nephews dont have the luxury of a college education that is already financed. I wouldn't worry at all because diversity is what makes the world go around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

If she's so ignorant and self loathing and you're SOOO much better . . . why weigh in on her thread at all? What do you possibly have to add with your middle class urban upbringing. The issues in these 2000 person rural towns with dying economies are very real -- you can call it self loathing or being a snob or whatever -- but you can't understand it unless you've lived it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad I grew up in a middle class urban home. The baggage and ignorance some of you still carry is sad. OP and your ilk are so self loathing. Get some help.

If she's so ignorant and self loathing and you're SOOO much better . . . why weigh in on her thread at all? What do you possibly have to add with your middle class urban upbringing. The issues in these 2000 person rural towns with dying economies are very real -- you can call it self loathing or being a snob or whatever -- but you can't understand it unless you've lived it.

Not PP here - but I think you are over reacting. When grown adults lash out at other grown adults, it is very often (almost always) not about the issue at hand, but what that person represents to the offended party, that is the issue. Just an FYI. Psych 101.