my dad doesn't like my kid

[Anonymous]

Makes me sad. We live far and it's not a big deal or issue, but at this last visit it's clear that this is not the grandson he wants. My son (5) is loud and high energy (not hyper though I'm sure my dad feels he is). He is sweet and I adore him and would love for my dad to adore him too. But my dad wants a more thoughtful grandson he can bond with on nature walks and in quiet talks (me and my siblings were quiet kids, relatively, growing up). And that's never going to be my son who takes more after my husband's family and is rambunctious and just not prone to sitting still or observing - he wants to do. My dad was testy with him even about something like getting pizza sauce on his shirt when he was eating! There were a couple of hours when my son was being truly obnoxious, but mostly he was just being who is he.

Now my son will never know the difference, but I see how my friends' kids are just adored for who they are by their grandparents and feel wistful that my son won't have that (his other grandparents aren't really in the picture and my mom, post-divorcee, is all about herself).

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to your dad about this?
Is there middle ground where they could bond over certain activities? As your son gets a little older, do you think he'll calm down a bit?

[Anonymous]

Why are you holding your father to a higher standard than the other grandparents?

I know it's hard for the relationship to not be what you envisioned, but you have to have reasonable expectations as well. Your son and your father are different people. It's ok. I had one set of grandparents who were stiff and not really warm or emotionally open and I still loved them very much when I was younger. As I got older, I realized they taught me a great number of important things, even if they didn't wrestle with me on the ground. They taught me manners at the dining table and also how to be responsible with money. Not lessons a 5 year old is eager to learn, but I absorbed these things from them and I am very grateful about that.

Anyhow, maybe find things they can connect about. Or just let it go. As your son gets older, he'll have more impulse control and perhaps then grandpa can find things to bond with him about.

[Anonymous]

You don't know who your son will be. He's 5.

My FIL doesn't like kids and gets annoyed with all his grandkids, ours included. I think he'll have a better relationship with them when they're older. Right now, all the grandkids are 5 and under.

Maybe your son will end up having similar interests to your dad and they will have a great relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think you can't force bonding, but you can gently tell your father that he's 5 and will get dirty and be loud and he's still an awesome kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to your dad about this?
Is there middle ground where they could bond over certain activities? As your son gets a little older, do you think he'll calm down a bit?

they did get along when they did things together - it's just a general sense of disapproval my dad had for him. There was this astonished disapproval in his tone when my son would get frustrated and stop doing something, or would jump around, or would repeatedly sing a nonsense phrase. Perhaps my son will be calmer when he is older, but it sucks that he has to be different. Why can't my dad, like me, enjoy him for who he is (I do shut down the obnoxious stuff - that is just a behavioral manifestation of his enthusiasm and so I do work to have have him control it).

After I wrote this, I thought maybe this is more about me feeling subtly rejecte by my dad via his rejection of my son. These things are always complicated . . .

Annoyingly, he talked about a colleague's 4 year old daughter who goes to avant guard poetry readings with her parents and sits there quietly (I think this was supposed to be about the great exposure the child is getting, but all I heard was the sits there quietly part)

[Anonymous]

Look, sounds like your kid might be a bit wild. Fine, but it's probably not necessarily a bad thing to have the counterbalance of a grandpa who tries to teach him to be a bit calmer at times. As a kid, I definitely felt like I was supposed to behave better around older relatives. Nothing wrong with that expectation.

[Anonymous]

I think that grandparents forget just how noisy kids are also. My parents are always making comments about the racket that the kids make and can't they go outside, and when is it bedtime, etc. Their house has been kid free a while now and they are used to quiet and their routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to your dad about this?
Is there middle ground where they could bond over certain activities? As your son gets a little older, do you think he'll calm down a bit?

they did get along when they did things together - it's just a general sense of disapproval my dad had for him. There was this astonished disapproval in his tone when my son would get frustrated and stop doing something, or would jump around, or would repeatedly sing a nonsense phrase. Perhaps my son will be calmer when he is older, but it sucks that he has to be different. Why can't my dad, like me, enjoy him for who he is (I do shut down the obnoxious stuff - that is just a behavioral manifestation of his enthusiasm and so I do work to have have him control it).

After I wrote this, I thought maybe this is more about me feeling subtly rejecte by my dad via his rejection of my son. These things are always complicated . . .

Annoyingly, he talked about a colleague's 4 year old daughter who goes to avant guard poetry readings with her parents and sits there quietly (I think this was supposed to be about the great exposure the child is getting, but all I heard was the sits there quietly part)

I think you hit the nail on the head with the statement above. I have never had a perfect relationship with my parents, but when my kids were born my parents never really embraced them. I also have one son who is a very active, energetic child. Honestly, he's awesome and hilarious and really fun. But my parents are not terribly interested in him and I can sometimes sense their judgment/disdain. For me, at the end of the day he (my son) is an extension of me and if they can't love him for who he is, then it's personal to me. They have rejected part of me. It has changed my relationship with them forever and on some level, I will never forgive them.

And yes, I told my father this one day. And he said something appropriate but clearly didn't much care and it didn't really change anything. People are who they are and do the best they can. So I think you have to try as best you can to accept how your dad shows up.

[Anonymous]

Well, can't he at least do the nature walk part? Ok, so your son will likely run ahead, but at 5 he is old enough to come back, right? And once he burns some energy they can enjoy being outside together.

My dad isn't a baby person at all and is clearly not that interested in doing day-to-day stuff with his young grandchildren. I mean, he loves them, he has pictures of them everywhere, but when they're actually together his tolerance is fairly short. We went to the playground and he spent the whole time playing games on his phone. BUT, then we went to a structured garden (like Brookside Garden but in Philadelphia). This is a place my dad loves. Well, my 19 month old adored it -- he was running everywhere laughing his head off -- and because it was a place my dad enjoys, he actually spent quite a bit of time interacting with my son. He is bored doing traditional kid activities but if you can put the kid into a place he likes (within reason -- a toddler isn't going to sit still at a coffee house) -- then he is very happy to interact and his tolerance goes way up. So maybe this is something your dad and your son can do together -- an outside activity that grandpa would enjoy regardless and that is appropriate for a high-energy kid.

[Anonymous]

OP - this struck a chord with me.

DS is 10 and is very high energy. He is always on the move, always doing something. He thinks quickly, talks quickly and moves quickly. He has always been like this. He is very bright, plays athletics and is very social. He is most definitely an extrovert.

DH and I are both introverts. But we have learned to accept DS for who he is and risen to his needs by modifying our own expectations. However, we can't extend this to others and that has become clear over time.

DH's mother (so grandma) is an extreme introvert. I know she loves DS but she barely interacts with him. She just has no clue how to. She is not high functioning to begin with.

DH's father (so grandpa) is not a very warm, interactive person. He was not that much involved with his own kids (he worked a lot). He loves DS but keeps him at arms length. Plus he lives 7 hours away.

It is what it is and it is not going to change. DH and I do our best to make sure that they do get time to spend with DS and that DS have memories of them. Because they won't be around forever.

One thing that has helped us accept this is knowing that actually it teaches DS to accept people as they are. Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

It's great that everyone is so understanding about your dad but op your first job is to protect your child. It sounds like your father has unrealistic expectations about the expected behavior of a 5 year old. I wouldn't push the relationship much since your father wants your child to exist on his terms. I'm sorry this is the hand you were dealt. As previous posters have said, maybe in the future... I would be around dad much, much less.

[Anonymous]

A child can be rambunctous by nature but mannerable. Have you taught him manners?

[Anonymous]

I think there's more to this, OP. Your son could probably use some discipline, and your father doesn't know how to handle high-energy kids. Which means that they will appreciate each other more in a few years. Hopefully your father will still be in good enough shape to realize the progress your son has made!

My son has ADHD, inattentive. My parents are disappointed, certainly. I never thought to be sad about their imperfect relationship, though! My parents love ALL my children, flaws and all, even though they don't necessarily show it. My father never shows he loves anyone, actually. He's not demonstrative, but I know he loves my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A child can be rambunctous by nature but mannerable. Have you taught him manners?

yes, we can probably work more on manners. It would help some. And he's old enough now.