My SIL wants my MIL to move in with us for half the year
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Anonymous
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My MIL lives in Hungary. (She and my deceased FIL were immigrants and she moved back there after he died). She lives in a small paid-for condo there and collects SSI disability and lives on that - her disability is that one leg is shorter than the other and she can't walk easily. She used to get help with getting groceries from her nephew but got into an unexplained fight with his wife and now she is on her own. She basically goes days without leaving her apartment or talking to anyone.
She's visiting the U.S. now for the first time in five years - I (and my husband) had not seen her since I was pregnant with our oldest, who is now 4.5. After he was born, we bought her a plane ticket to come visit after he asked her if/when she wanted to come. She didn't end up coming because she said she didn't feel well. After that my husband got mad and pretty much didn't talk to her for years. I kept on sending pictures of the baby and then our second child, but I sort of dwindled off sending them because she never wrote back. (She has no internet capabilities so this was all snail mail.) Anyway, my SIL invited her for a visit and has decided that she can no longer live by herself. She is 68 years old. SIL wants her to live with her, her husband, and her 11yo for half of the year and us the other half. I don't want to be an asshole DIL ... but I don't want her living with us that much. If she truly can't live on her own, then we'll have three young children to take care of plus her (I'm 30 weeks pregnant with our third and last kid). We both work full-time. We're going to have to get a bigger car and house to accommodate her. She smokes (outside) and has terrible psoriasis and leaves dead skin flakes in her wake everywhere she goes. She has pretty much nothing to do all day and when she's visited in the past (for 6 weeks at a time) has spent a lot of time staring at me and commenting on what I'm doing (maybe now that we have kids she'll have something else to focus on?) She also pretty much takes over the kitchen which annoyed me in the past, not sure if it would be an issue now. My husband doesn't want her to live with us either but doesn't want to just say no to his sister and feels some responsibility for his mom. Not sure what I'm looking for in posting this but it felt good to write it all out. |
Anonymous
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Yr husband was an ass to get mad bc she cancelled the flight bc she wasn't feeling well. Flying is tough if you are old and disabled.
The smoking alone would mean I would not agree to this. I would offer a few weeks a year but nothing beyond. |
Anonymous
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Does your SIL enjoy having your MIL stay with her? As in, is she suggesting this out of obligational feelings or will she enjoy it?
Could you split the cost of an assisted living place located between the two households? Then each family could take turns visiting her once a week. |
Anonymous
| No, there are low income independent living facilities that are based on her income. |
Anonymous
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So DH hasn't seen or really talked to her in five years? Loving together won't go well. He needs to tell sis he is not comfortable with the idea, then talk about what might work--assisted living near sis, helping her find assistance where she lives now. What does MIL want to do?
Say no to the living together, but don't shut down the conversation. "Well, that is one idea, but Mom living here won't work for us for a lot of reasons. Does Mom want to move to the U.S.? What else might work here?" |
Anonymous
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Do you have other family in Hungary? It might be cheaper to hire a couple of elderly care persons to shop and care for your MIL round the clock in Hungary, and have family members monitor the situation. The fight with the nephew needs to be resolved - an elderly woman's life is at stake here. You could all pitch in for the elder care and all he would have to do is make sure they do their job. Then the family in the US could visit every year, with the added benefit of coming back to your roots and having the kids learn a little Hungarian. Beautiful country! |
Anonymous
| Yeah hire her some help in Hungary and see if the nephew will help to make sure the helpers are ok |
Anonymous
I should have mentioned that he didn't think that was the real reason that she didn't come. Too many details to go into on my phone, but if he thought that was the real reason he wouldn't have been mad. We also offered to come visit her and she declined. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like living with you isn't a good option. What does your MIL want? Can you offer to help pay for an assured living facility? If she can't walk or leave her condo by herself it sounds like she will need more help than you will be able to provide with jobs and 3 kids. If your SIL wants to have her full time, you could offer to pitch in to cover some of MIL's expenses. |
Anonymous
| Is she still entitled to permanent residency? |
Anonymous
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Has anyone asked your MIL what she wants? I'm not trying to be snarky just wondering what her idea of her final years is.
I totally feel you in the other stuff though. My own mother has decided that she will live with me for 6 months at the time (I did not agree to this) and she feels like she is an equal co parent, money manager, and takes over the kitchen. Drives me absolutely insane. I love my mom and will help her but it will not mean living with me for the rest of her life. She is also Eastern European if it means anything. |
Anonymous
if she's 68, she could live another 30 years - I think it would be very odd to agree to live with someone who wouldn't visit you or let you visit her. i'm sure it would be trying under the best circumstances but it seems like your MIL has some issues so I don't think it would be great for your or your marriage to agree to this without a lot more research/thought. |
Anonymous
Nah, that disgusting smoking habit is sure to shave a few years off of her life expectancy. |
Anonymous
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Your SIL can't decide who gets to live with you. I believe that both you and your DH need to be on board with the plan 100% or you need to find another solution.
Smoking would be an automatic out for me. If she is not capable of living on her own and it does not work for her to live with SIL or you full time, then finding an assisted living facility would be another option. Or as PP mentioned, finding someone to assist in her home country. |
Anonymous
| What is her immigration status? Can she even live here? How could she possibly be collecting SSI in Hungary? |