What do I say to my MIL who is dying?

[Anonymous]

My MIL has terminal lung cancer and only has several months left. She lives in a different state and we have been visiting her every month not knowing when she will take a turn for the worse, but I never know what to say to her when we leave or even while we are there. Both DH and I just say "hang in there". We aren't all that close (as in I've never really considered her my second mother) but she has become part of my family and her eventual passing is hitting be harder than I thought it would especially after losing both my parents within the past 5 years.

I really want to tell her that she raised a wonderful son and that we all love her very much, etc. but it just seems so hard and I never know when the appropriate time is to do this is and I'm worried that I might lose my chance to let her know how much she means me and our family. I'm not even sure I can say these words to her without choking up myself.

It was very different when my parents passed - my father from Alzheimer's so I never go the chance to say anything to him at the end, and my mother's passing was much quicker but she was incoherent the last week when we realized it was the end for her so this is all new to me.

Anyone have any words of advice or words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has terminal lung cancer and only has several months left. She lives in a different state and we have been visiting her every month not knowing when she will take a turn for the worse, but I never know what to say to her when we leave or even while we are there. Both DH and I just say "hang in there". We aren't all that close (as in I've never really considered her my second mother) but she has become part of my family and her eventual passing is hitting be harder than I thought it would especially after losing both my parents within the past 5 years.

I really want to tell her that she raised a wonderful son and that we all love her very much, etc. but it just seems so hard and I never know when the appropriate time is to do this is and I'm worried that I might lose my chance to let her know how much she means me and our family. I'm not even sure I can say these words to her without choking up myself.

It was very different when my parents passed - my father from Alzheimer's so I never go the chance to say anything to him at the end, and my mother's passing was much quicker but she was incoherent the last week when we realized it was the end for her so this is all new to me.

Anyone have any words of advice or words of wisdom?

Please get over your hesitation and tell her this, then (what I've bolded above). Just do it. You won't regret it and you'll give her a measure of peace. If you can do a good thing at this time, do it. If you choke up, no matter. That's fine. These are emotional times, but nothing to be afraid of. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to my grandmother and I wish I had the chance to tell her what she meant to me.

[Anonymous]

If you can't bring yourself to do it in person, write it down. I might find it easier to compose my thoughts in a letter. And then your MIL can read it more than once. That is what I would recommend.

[Anonymous]

When you're there/leaving - just give her a big hug and a very sincere "I love you."

I agree with putting the deeper thoughts in writing.

[Anonymous]

If you can't say the words, send her a note or card.

[Anonymous]

I would write it in a card. Let her have it to look at when you guys aren't there.

When you leave, just say "love you".

The last time I saw my mom conscious, I was too overcome with emotion to say the things I should have. I was so young, it hurt so much. I know there was a moment where she thought I was leaving the house without saying goodbye. The dying can be insecure too. Write it down and give it to her.

F*%#, now I'm crying.

[Anonymous]

The thing that seems to be the most meaningful to my MIL is to say "thank you--you are the reason we are all here -- without you our family would not be here."

[Anonymous]

Be brave, OP. Be daring, and just say it. Imagine being in her place. Wouldn't you want to hear that from your children? Write it if you can't say it, but try. I said something like that to my dying mother in law when no one else would speak about her death, and she looked at me with such grateful ness. It was a gift to me, to know I had given her that feeling. Do it.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, put it in a card and leave the card for her on the kitchen table or something when you leave.

[Anonymous]

Tell her. Don't write. Just tell her. I did this with my aunt who had been a 2nd mother to me. I thanked her for all that she had done for me and told her that I loved her. She was extremely weak but the smile she gave me when I told her these things was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I still remember it 25 years later. Just tell her in person.

[Anonymous]

Say it say it say it! Write it down first if it helps you. The strength she gets from the love and support of her family is what will get her through her final phase.

[Anonymous]

Say or write it. I don't think the vehicle matters, but the message does.

I have cancer and the prognosis isn't good. Lately, I have decided that I don't want to leave anything left unsaid. So, every time I see or speak to someone important to me, I tell them what they mean to me. Yeah, sometimes it chokes us up, but I feel at peace having done it and the responses to me have been incredibly supportive.

GL, OP, and I'm sorry you and your family are facing this.

[Anonymous]

Write it down in a letter or card. My family isn't big on emotion or feelings. The last time I knew I'd see my dad before he moved (he was terminal) I stayed up for hours and wrote him a 6 page letter. I told him lots of my memories of him/us and thanked him for many of the things he did for me. Of course afterwards I realized that I left out so many but I know he knew it came from the heart and I hope that it portrayed how much I loved him and how I thought he was a wonderful father.
We never spoke of the letter, but my mom did tell me that my dad had her read it to him every night.
The thing about terminal cancer is that you are always waiting (not really the right word) for the end. I kept thinking that it would be any day, but it's a progression. First he stopped eating, then he lost more and more weight. A week before he died he was still sitting up in bed having comversations. Then he couldn't get out of bed anymore. Then he stopped drinking and then he finally fell into a coma like state. I wish it had been quicker and he didn't have to suffer so much.
I'm rambling, but please if you can't say the words, write them down for your MIL to read. I think it's a very basic human instinct to want to know that your life mattered to others. That you had a purpose and were loved.

[Anonymous]

100% agree to write it down and leave it for her the next time you're there. Maybe with a nice picture of your family. Don't focus on the cancer, but don't completely ignore it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL has terminal lung cancer and only has several months left. She lives in a different state and we have been visiting her every month not knowing when she will take a turn for the worse, but I never know what to say to her when we leave or even while we are there. Both DH and I just say "hang in there". We aren't all that close (as in I've never really considered her my second mother) but she has become part of my family and her eventual passing is hitting be harder than I thought it would especially after losing both my parents within the past 5 years.

I really want to tell her that she raised a wonderful son and that we all love her very much, etc. but it just seems so hard and I never know when the appropriate time is to do this is and I'm worried that I might lose my chance to let her know how much she means me and our family. I'm not even sure I can say these words to her without choking up myself.

It was very different when my parents passed - my father from Alzheimer's so I never go the chance to say anything to him at the end, and my mother's passing was much quicker but she was incoherent the last week when we realized it was the end for her so this is all new to me.

Anyone have any words of advice or words of wisdom?

Just do it! It doesn't matter if you cry. It's okay to cry in front of her. I've been through this a few times now, and I can say with all assuredness that you will not regret it. Encourage your husband to do the same.