Wife doesn't want to share office space

[Anonymous]

My wife and I moved into our house a few years ago. There's two extra rooms that could be used as guest bedrooms or an office. My wife decided one would be a guest bedroom and the other room an office. I went along with this decision.

Before we could set up an office she transformed the space into a storage space for paper and miscellaneous furniture. When I would ask her about using the space she would tell me she didn't have time to move her stuff. Because she had her stuff in the office I put a desk in the basement so that I could sit ergnomically correct when working. I don't like working in the basement because it is too cold in the winter and summer (to be comfortable upstairs one will be cold in the basement).

The office is big enough for two desks and a loveseat.

Recently my wife paid (our finances are separate) to have the office redone (i.e. new flooring and light fixtures). She did not consult me about this in anyway, only told me there would be contractors in our home. When I asked when they would be finished so I could move my desk into the space she said "there's no room for your desk because I want to put a couch tin there. You can stay in the basement. I want my own private space. If we share the space we will argue about keeping quiet, etc."

I told her she couldn't unilaterally take over a room without consulting me. She said she could because she paid for it. I told her I pay the mortgage and anyway this is no way to run a marriage with "your money" and "my money."

I feel since the space is big enough for both of us we should share it. If someone wants their own private space, that person should convert the inferior space (e.g. basement) into their personal space. Shortly thereafter I moved my desk into the office space.

She is furious.

Clearly we have other issues besides using office space. She is very bossy and will make decisions and try to dictate to me frequently. I call her on it, but as the example above shows it has little effect.

If the roles were reversed I would have asked her if it would be ok for me to use the space as my personal office. I would not assume that she should stay in the basement. I also wouldn't assume that she should be the one to move into the basement if I want my own personal room.

Am I looking at this incorrectly?

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? If not then why are you still married?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. What matters is that you two need counseling, stat. That is no way to run a marriage.

[Anonymous]

No, you aren't looking at it incorrectly, although the emphasis should be on the "Clearly we have other issues" part. That's 98% here.

To me, a reasonable compromise would be two offices, one of them with a murphy bed to use when you have guests (if there is space). I would hate sharing an office with my husband as I use it full time, but I also would never relegate my spouse to the basement. There are alternatives here, the problem is your marriage issues, which you know.

[Anonymous]

Do you have enough guests that you need a dedicated guest room?

[Anonymous]

So you both work from home? We do and no way can we share an office because we are on the phone most of the day. I'd take a look at the use of all the rooms and figure out what you need to support your office/work needs. How often do you have guests? Maybe set up the guest room as an office with a pull out sofa so that it can accommodate guests as needed.

But overall this sounds f'ed up but sounds like you have weird relationship issues. I can't imagine hiring a contractor without both of us being involved at pretty much every step of the way.

Another alternative is to just use a Regus or Carr Workplaces type place for an office. They aren't that expensive and you can get different plans. Maybe some separation would be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have enough guests that you need a dedicated guest room?

OP here.

We probably don't. Neither of us work from home all the time. Perhaps 1-2 days a week.

In part, I feel like I have to make a stand. If I stay in the basement or try to accommodate her I feel like I am allowing her to walk all over me. Her remodeling the room, telling me to use the basement or other room without even asking my opinion about any of this. And when I pointed out what she was doing was problematic her response was "she paid for it."

[Anonymous]

CAll the contractor back and have him build you an office and rec room in the basement for you.

[Anonymous]

Short term solution: get a space heater for the basement. Flip a coin to decide who uses it.

Long term solution: work on those "other relationship issues". Clearly neither of you know how to communicate or compromise.

[Anonymous]

You take over the guest room and make it your office. Either buy a sofa bed so your office room can be used as a guest room, or put a sofa bed in the basement so that becomes the guest room.

You guys have communication and control issues. I hope you don't have children that get trampled in all that.

[Anonymous]

Re: the office, I agree with the PP who pointed out that you probably don't need a full guest room. Why dedicate an entire room to people who don't live there and only come a few times a year, max? Make arrangements when guests come to turn both offices into a space for guests.

But for 1-2 days of working from home, you don't necessarily need two full offices either. But at least you would use the space regularly. Could you convert part of the basement into guest quarters and put your guess there when they happen to be in town?

All that being said, this is not a good situation and was handled terribly by your wife.

[Anonymous]

You need to stand up to your wife. Seriously. Why does she get to call all the shots? I'm a wife and like to have a say, but so does my husband. And neither of us would tolerate the other acting like your wife. Demand some respect, dude.

[Anonymous]

Taking over the guest room seems like the obvious solution here.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife, I work full time from home, and we only had room for one desk in the office. My husband works out of the house and would never have the ability to work from home (clearance, classified stuff, etc.). Even under those circumstances, when we just moved into our new house, I made sure to have a full file drawer set with hutch, specifically for his stuff and what he needs. When he refers to it as "my" office, I say it's not mine, it's ours, I just happen to spend more time in there.

[Anonymous]

Just use the guest room OP. Problem solved.