How to deal with angry, argumentative mother

[Anonymous]

My mom gets stressed when we travel to visit her, or when she travels to visit us. She is high anxiety, drinks too much, and is a child of an abusive, alcoholic mother and an absentee father. I am very impressed that she was a good and loving mother to me as a kid despite that. She also has extreme anger 30 years after her divorce from my dad who cheated on her. She lives in a very remote and beautiful place but the quiet life she is living seems to translate into her increasingly losing her ability to cope with anything other than her isolation. She has a life partner and is retired. She has lots of friends in her remote mountain town, loves animals, loves my kids, and generally is kind and loving, except to me. She has hostility towards me and I don't know why.

She stresses out and worries about every little thing when we visit. I realize this is a super trivial example, but perhaps it gives you the idea: she discussed at length with my 12 yo daughter in the car on the way to the grocery store about "Now when we get to the grocery store, you are going to have to pick out a flavor of ice cream, so think about the flavor you want now. And if they don't have that, you need a second choice in mind".... that's just one trivial example. Who makes back up plans for ice cream flavors? My daughter is a normal kid and would not freak out about ice cream flavors.

Another example, she yelled at me for asking for soda that she didn't have in the house. "I asked you when we were at the store if you wanted anything!". Startled I responded, "I forgot, I forgot, I'm sorry!" I felt like a little kid afraid of setting her off, trying to defuse her. It's just nuts.

She confided to me that she lost sleep worrying about our visit. She can't relax. We'd be sitting somewhere quietly and she'd start in with "now tomorrow, we are going to take the Honda. It will be a bit crowded. But I'll move the dog crate and you can sit here and DD can sit there and so and so will drive and etc. etc. ".

She complains that she doesn't see us enough and then she's insane when we are with her. A hotel is not an really an option when we visit her because she lives up on a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

No sooner had I exited the airport than she started asking me, "What's wrong?! Are you OK? Are you stressed?" Here I am thinking everything is fine and the second after I say hello, I feel as if I have done something wrong because I guess I am not happy enough or smiling enough or (something) enough, because as with every visit, she accuses me of being unhappy. Which ultimately I am because she acts crazy. Ugh!

Last summer she came to visit me and drank too much and got angry and actually became threatening with me. I said something and she got in my face like we were going to throw down or something! She didn't remember this the next day. I told her that was unacceptable and could not happen again. She had stopped drinking after that but I was surprised to find out she has started again when I arrived.

I have plane tickets to go back in a month. I split the visit up into two four-day visits this year.

I just don't know what to do. I love my mom and I don't want to only have a long distance relationship. But I'm a single working parent of two kids and putting all the travel on me due to her travel anxiety is tough. And she can't relax when we are there. And she can't travel to visit us.

I offered to rent a beach house next year for her and her partner and me and my kids so we could celebrate her 70th birthday. She responded "no because we stress each other out too much".

I just don't know how to have a relationship with her. I have a therapist and she's on meds for anxiety but, any words of wisdom? I am beginning to wonder if behaviors I believed were normal as a kid maybe aren't.

[Anonymous]

Some of the stuff you mentioned is really silly to worry about. What's the big deal if she told your daughter to have a backup ice cream flavor? Big deal. Let it go.

It sounds like she has anxiety and worries a lot. You need to see your own therapist to learn how to cope -- you are also internalizing a lot of what is going on and making it about you. I don't think it's you, it's her.

You made a nice offer with the beach house, she declined. What more can you do? If you want to do something special for her birthday, ask her what she would like. Maybe it would be easier for everyone to go to a resort where you don't have to live in the same house together, but can spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm sorry, OP, it sounds horrible. My mother is in complete denial over her anxiety so doesn't even medicate. She also triggers easily and can become verbally abusive, particularly when she's in nicotine or caffeine withdrawal (no alcohol, thank goodness).

So... do you think her behavior is getting significantly worse? Since your mother is already taking meds, can you talk into a visit to her doctor to relate these problems and tweak the treatment? Do you think she has another condition or life event that is also increasing her anxiety?

Ultimately, you have to accept that your relationship with her will never be the one you dream of. Do what works for both of you. If that means one 4-day visit per year, so be it. That's about the amount of time I see my mother annually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, I'm sorry, OP, it sounds horrible. My mother is in complete denial over her anxiety so doesn't even medicate. She also triggers easily and can become verbally abusive, particularly when she's in nicotine or caffeine withdrawal (no alcohol, thank goodness).

So... do you think her behavior is getting significantly worse? Since your mother is already taking meds, can you talk into a visit to her doctor to relate these problems and tweak the treatment? Do you think she has another condition or life event that is also increasing her anxiety?

Ultimately, you have to accept that your relationship with her will never be the one you dream of. Do what works for both of you. If that means one 4-day visit per year, so be it. That's about the amount of time I see my mother annually.

+1
My mother is depressed, borderline and awful. I barely see her anymore.

Take care of yourself and your children.

[Anonymous]

Her hostility towards you is unacceptable and it's seems like it is being rug-swept. What does your therapist say about that? Have you discussed it honestly with your therapist?

Is is that you want to have a relationship with the make believe person your mother is not?

[Anonymous]

I think the ice cream talk is just common sense good advice.

[Anonymous]

I don't think some of the PPs understand anxiety and self-medicating. Your mother clearly is on the far end of the anxiety spectrum and age probably hasn't helped that. If she's on medication, it isn't effective or her self-medication with alcohol is impacting it efficacy or both. The use of alcohol like you describe certainly sounds like self-medicating. Also, as people get older, visits like you describe get more difficult. Add her anxiety/self-medication and it's a nutty mess.

Like a PP, I advise you to limit your visits to what you can handle. I know it's tough but from a distance and the top of a mountain, I don't know how much more you can do. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Your mother lives in a state of anxiety and dread which makes her life miserable. Others must be warned how catastrophic and painful life is. The ice cream example is perfect. Your daughter HAS to understand that she is walking on the edge of a precipice when she is choosing ice cream (what most people would regard as a fun errand). But no -- it's really a horrible disaster looming in front of this precious child! They will not have her chosen flavor and her spirit will be crushed!

She reads every expression on your face as negative because she projects.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, except that trying to be empathetic to the scared little girl she must have been once helps me with my own mother.

Your mother was probably continually blamed as a child. There were no accidents, ever. Everything was someone's fault. She was yelled at for minor mistakes or just because she was around. If she asked for orange soda and there was none in the house, her mother (probably) screamed at her just for asking, or for being spoiled, or for not asking at the grocery store, or just because mom was tired and overworked. Any initiative was stifled. She became anxious because any alternative she chose in any situation was wrong. Merely expressing a thought could be dangerous.

[Anonymous]

What does her partner say in all this? It sounds like your mom has anxiety. Would the partner be able to help get her to a doctor? Maybe the two of you could get mom to go see one. Sounds like she could use some Lexapro. Alcohol isn't the remedy.

[Anonymous]

Looks like early sign of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does her partner say in all this? It sounds like your mom has anxiety. Would the partner be able to help get her to a doctor? Maybe the two of you could get mom to go see one. Sounds like she could use some Lexapro. Alcohol isn't the remedy.

They are basically co-dependent. He is completely devoted to her and he would never discuss her problems with me. I've never even tried to discuss her with him in the 30 years or so I've known him. My impressions is that he is always "on her side" no matter what. Which is generally a good quality in a life partner until he enables destructive behavior...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother lives in a state of anxiety and dread which makes her life miserable. Others must be warned how catastrophic and painful life is. The ice cream example is perfect. Your daughter HAS to understand that she is walking on the edge of a precipice when she is choosing ice cream (what most people would regard as a fun errand). But no -- it's really a horrible disaster looming in front of this precious child! They will not have her chosen flavor and her spirit will be crushed!

She reads every expression on your face as negative because she projects.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, except that trying to be empathetic to the scared little girl she must have been once helps me with my own mother.

Your mother was probably continually blamed as a child. There were no accidents, ever. Everything was someone's fault. She was yelled at for minor mistakes or just because she was around. If she asked for orange soda and there was none in the house, her mother (probably) screamed at her just for asking, or for being spoiled, or for not asking at the grocery store, or just because mom was tired and overworked. Any initiative was stifled. She became anxious because any alternative she chose in any situation was wrong. Merely expressing a thought could be dangerous.

This is very insightful... thank you. - OP

[Anonymous]

Your mother was probably continually blamed as a child. There were no accidents, ever. Everything was someone's fault. She was yelled at for minor mistakes or just because she was around. If she asked for orange soda and there was none in the house, her mother (probably) screamed at her just for asking, or for being spoiled, or for not asking at the grocery store, or just because mom was tired and overworked. Any initiative was stifled. She became anxious because any alternative she chose in any situation was wrong. Merely expressing a thought could be dangerous.
******
Wow. This rings a bell. What would this be called, a person who behaves like that (blaming others for everything, not allowing children to express their own thoughts, etc)

[Anonymous]

Limit contact and don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Poor you. Poor your mom. You both WANT it but can't create it.

What about being super honest with her? "Mom, I think we both really want to have great visits when we see each other, but let's just admit, WITHOUT BLAME, it simply doesn't go very well for either of us. Can we each list two things each of us can do that would make it more pleasant for the other one, and commit to trying to do those on this visit? We're both good people, we both want the same thing, and maybe we need to accept that we can't have that without actually working towards it. So let's work towards enjoying our visits. What do you think? What are two things I could do to make our visit more pleasant for you?"

Would that work?