I just need to get over this, right?

[Anonymous]

I'm one week in to a two week stay with my inlaws. My FIL's birthday is next week and he told my DH that he would like to go out to dinner. Our younger kids are a little young to do well in a nice restaurant, so my FIL asked (through my DH), if I would stay home with them while the rest of the family went out. I agreed, but am feeling so sad about this. I lost both my parents in the past few years and am still feeling pretty unmoored, so I know this is definitely contributing. I was also the one who suggested we stay a little longer so that we could be here for the birthday, so that's definitely contributing, too.

I need to just get over this, right? My ILs are lovely people who help us a ton with the kids. I know I just need to suck it up and deal. I'm thinking I might take the younger kids out on my own for a fun activity. Any other ideas?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to deal.

But that's very rude.

[Anonymous]

Yup, agree -I'm working towards dealing.

[Anonymous]

Ohh, that would sting. I'm surprised your DH didn't point out to your FIL how hurtful that was. Why didn't he? Is your DH on board with it?

I'd probably go ahead and stay home with the kids. Rather than think I was being cut out of a family event (which you really are), I'd try to think that I was giving my FIL the gift of time with his DS. I'd probably take the kids somewhere they'd enjoy and just have my own night out with them. Did you know they serve beer at Chuck E Cheese? Hugs!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry. That would make me feel quite bad too. Is there any option to get a sitter through care.com or something? I feel like that should be the first option - look for a sitter but if one cannot be found, than stay home.

[Anonymous]

Can you all do birthday cake at home once they come back from dinner? Then the younger kids and you can have the fun of getting that all set up.

It sounded to me like this was about not wanting the younger kids rather than not wanting you. Sad that he's prioritizing a quiet meal apart over a noisy meal together, but maybe he's feeling a bit frazzled from the kids and bring out of his routine. Or maybe he only has a certain appetite for the limitations that come along with having young kids in the picture. How old is he? It's a nice birthday gift you are giving him: a peaceful meal out.

[Anonymous]

*being, not bring

[Anonymous]

Nobody knows a potential babysitter?

[Anonymous]

Thanks, all- appreciate the kind thoughts and ideas. A babysitter might be an option. I don't think MIL is aware of the plan yet, so suspect she might offer to help find a sitter once she hears. I don't really want to suggest it myself- feel like it might just introduce more drama into the situation.

PP, I like the cake suggestion. I had been planning to bake one for him anyway, so will still do and make it more of a kid activity.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Sorry about your parents. You have been very kind to your fil. What a sweet person you are.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if this isn't a clueless dude who just doesn't get it. Perhaps, as you said, when MIL hears about it, she will insist on a sitter. I'd go that route.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't comfortable leaving them with a baby sitter you don't know well and your FIL knows that, I don't think it's a terrible thing to have asked. If you otherwise are known to be ok with finding a babysitter for this kind of stuff, it's kind of rude and exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

It does seem situational, but hard to deal with.

That said, next time don't extend the trip, just suggest celebrating his birthday early while you are there. Especially if DH hadn't been thinking of/wanting to stay.

Talk with DH about it--maybe his dad does just want some quiet time with him. There might be ways to incorporate that into future visits in ways that are less painful for you.

I am sorry about the loss of your parents.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe your husband didn't run interference on this.

Dad: I'd like to spend my birthday dinner with just the adults. How about if Susie just stays home with them while we go out?
Your husband: I get the part about not wanting the kids at a nice restaurant. But it's important that Susie there. She's my wife and our family. We should be able to get a sitter or figure something out.

[Anonymous]

No, that would not work in either of our families. Family trumps the formality of the restaurant, so everyone, down to the baby, is invited, and the restaurant chosen is usually a good, but family-friendly one.

Your FIL must be some old-fashioned relic that believes women aren't that important, correct?

I would NOT be happy, particularly about the fact that DH didn't stick up for me and suggest a less formal restaurant were everyone could go (or suggest a sitter, or whatever works for you). It's not too late for DH to say this!

How rude. However, if your FIL is usually obnoxious, maybe it's a blessing in disguise.