Siblings and play dates?

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about involving siblings in play dates? I have an older son (3) and a younger daughter (almost 2). My son was invited to a play date the other day and I let the mom know that I would have to bring my daughter because my husband had something planned. The entire time the other boy yelled at my daughter saying "No! You can't play with us!" and even sang at one point "ha ha, you're left out". I kept her busy and asked them at times to give her a toy (the boy hoarded them all) just so she wouldn't be totally bored. My son brought her a toy a few times but the other kid was really upset about it.

I get that this is a bit of an extreme example - that kid just sort of sucked -- but what level of inclusion should I enforce (is that even the right word?) when one sibling has a play date and the other doesn't? The answer probably changes depending on whether I'm hosting, I suppose. I would welcome any thoughts on how you all have handled this.

[Anonymous]

This was really about the other kid being a pain. Was his parent stepping in? I get that 3 year olds are not the most mature creatures on the planet, but "HA, HA you're left out" is crossing the line. I wouldn't want my own 3year old playing there again, even without little sister in tow.

Play dates are as much for the parent as they are for the kid. I needed to connect with other adults. So if there another sibling, guess what? That kid is coming along for the ride. In my circle it's just expected that the sibling will come along with any play date where the host kid is under 5.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. The kid was particularly mean and obnoxious. Where was his mom/the host??

[Anonymous]

That sounds a little extreme but sometimes the playdatees (?!) should be able to play by themselves without having to deal with pesky younger siblings.

[Anonymous]

at that age they do a lot of parallel play and whenever we've had siblings in this situation they just play by themselves and no one seems to care.

i usually bring toys for the sibling and tell him or her to stay out of big bro's or big sister's way. it's not their playdate. why should they be "included"?

i don't think that other kid sounds mean and obnoxious. he was definitely unkind but he sounds like he's 3 which he is except he sounds kind of advanced. most three year olds wouldn't notice or care about a sibling.

if i were the other mother i would probably have gotten a pile of toys just for your daughter and put them in a different part of the room just for her to play with but i would not begrudge a mother if she didn't do this.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 4 and 6. If a child comes over who can't get along with both my kids they generally don't get invited back.

[Anonymous]

Wow, strange. I can understand, with older children (say like 4/5 and up) how you might specifically want only one child to come over because the dynamic changes when siblings come. I get that as a parent of a child who is significantly older than his siblings, so he doesn't have a "team" and when siblings come over, sometimes it's hard for him to break in to their play. So I do attempt to ensure that sometimes my DS gets one on one time with his friend. But, we do that in creative ways. We most frequently invite whole families over, and if we do see that dynamic developing, I usually just say straight up to the other parent, I notice that your kids play so nicely together. __ has a harder time breaking in sometimes. I wonder if we could do occasional playdates with just _ and _? I'd like to keep meeting as families, too, but it might be nice for the two boys to get some time together to develop their own friendship. Of course, you really only would do this with families you know well. I can't imagine though, as a parent, allowing my child to be jerky to a little baby in my house. On the other hand, sometimes babies are tough and if the baby was grabbing toys from the boys that also changes the dynamic. Again, in our family we would just deal, but i can see where someone might prefer that it go differently.

[Anonymous]

If I HAVE to bring the younger one to a playdate that's really for the older one, I bring a few of the younger one's toys, mix them with a few toys from the new house and set her up separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 4 and 6. If a child comes over who can't get along with both my kids they generally don't get invited back.

+1

[Anonymous]

We have a situation where the boys are friends/we have an only child so we always include the sister but she's a great kid. I would not be ok with someone telling me we have to do it vs. us inviting the other child. Next time decline and ask for another time when you can bring your child alone.

[Anonymous]

OP are you friends with the other mom?

I'll just say, we have 2 kids (ages 7 and 4) and we know lots of families with kids the same ages and it still doesn't always work out for everyone to play the way you'd hope. We don't "enforce" inclusion but no one gets to be mean and my younger one gets to be in the room playing along if she chooses (even if not directly involved in the game).

But I'll also say that my older one was, at age 3, pretty consistently awful when a friend came over and it took a while to iron that behavior out. By around age 4 he "got" it and it became more fun to have a friend over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 4 and 6. If a child comes over who can't get along with both my kids they generally don't get invited back.

That's fine, because it's your house. But, if I invite your 6 year old and you continually drag your 4 year old along you won't get invited back either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 4 and 6. If a child comes over who can't get along with both my kids they generally don't get invited back.

That's fine, because it's your house. But, if I invite your 6 year old and you continually drag your 4 year old along you won't get invited back either.

[Anonymous]

I think 3 is hard because if I know the parent I would be ok with dropping mine off, If i dont know the parent I would want to stay and then sibling would have to come along.
Young 3 is different from almost 4.
Generally I think playdates should be just for the kid invited.

[Anonymous]

Playdates for toddlers and preschoolers usually mean siblings have to come too. No one gets a babysitter so they can take a 3 yr old to a playdate, and no one drops off at 3 years old. Part of playdates is teaching kids appropriate socialization - which includes sharing toys and getting along with other children.