Friend wants to go on vacation with ex husband.

[Anonymous]

My friend divorced her ex when her kids were two and three. They don't remember their parents being married. Both she and her ex are remarried. They mostly speak to each other fairly well. Her new husband and her ex have strained relationships since her two kids by the second husband are a bit of a pain to her ex. Every time he comes to visit they annoy him. Plus his kids, who are now teens, complain a lot to him about one of their step siblings, one in particular. That kid is not easy, he is truly annoying.

Now this summer, the ex husband planned a hiking trip to the Sierras I believe. It is one of those outdoorsy trips with back packs and so on. He is really good at that kind of thing and has experience. My friend did many of those trips with him when they were married.

Friends second husband is not able to venture out and do that kind of thing. Let's leave it at a fairly serious disability that makes camping an impossible event.

When my friend heard that her ex was taking her kids to the mountains, she reacted with a bit of envy. She has not been out camping in forever and wanted to go. Her ex offered to take her along (his new wife would not be there). The point of the trip originally was for the ex to have time with his kids alone, but the kids actually want their mother there for two reasons. One, I think, is to live the fantasy for one week that their family is back together intact. Two, is that their father is strict and the mother defuses things nicely. The ex even suggested that the tolerable step sister come along with them.

My friend's current husband is not happy. Obviously, he realizes his limitations WRT travel and outdoor activities. Second, the rejection of his troublesome child was hurtful. Third, the threat to his marriage. I don't see my friend as the type to cheat, and neither does her husband, but I know that her ex husband still loves her. He has always given her whatever she wants.

Want to stay out of it, but second husband asked me what I think! I wish I could say that he had nothing to worry about, but my friend is beyond enthusiastic about this trip. I find it inappropriate, but I know that she will never have another chance to be with her kids like this. Plus the experience of camping is something she misses.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that really bothers me is that the troublesome child was not invited. To me that's a package deal.

DH and his wife took their kids to Disney for a week after we were married. There are some things that are great to do as a family even if the family is now splintered. New husband doesn't sound like he could ever do this type of trip. Would he object as much if she was going with another male friend and his kids or another girlfriend and her kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her ex when her kids were two and three. They don't remember their parents being married. Both she and her ex are remarried. They mostly speak to each other fairly well. Her new husband and her ex have strained relationships since her two kids by the second husband are a bit of a pain to her ex. Every time he comes to visit they annoy him. Plus his kids, who are now teens, complain a lot to him about one of their step siblings, one in particular. That kid is not easy, he is truly annoying.

Now this summer, the ex husband planned a hiking trip to the Sierras I believe. It is one of those outdoorsy trips with back packs and so on. He is really good at that kind of thing and has experience. My friend did many of those trips with him when they were married.

Friends second husband is not able to venture out and do that kind of thing. Let's leave it at a fairly serious disability that makes camping an impossible event.

When my friend heard that her ex was taking her kids to the mountains, she reacted with a bit of envy. She has not been out camping in forever and wanted to go. Her ex offered to take her along (his new wife would not be there). The point of the trip originally was for the ex to have time with his kids alone, but the kids actually want their mother there for two reasons. One, I think, is to live the fantasy for one week that their family is back together intact. Two, is that their father is strict and the mother defuses things nicely. The ex even suggested that the tolerable step sister come along with them.

My friend's current husband is not happy. Obviously, he realizes his limitations WRT travel and outdoor activities. Second, the rejection of his troublesome child was hurtful. Third, the threat to his marriage. I don't see my friend as the type to cheat, and neither does her husband, but I know that her ex husband still loves her. He has always given her whatever she wants.

Want to stay out of it, but second husband asked me what I think! I wish I could say that he had nothing to worry about, but my friend is beyond enthusiastic about this trip. I find it inappropriate, but I know that she will never have another chance to be with her kids like this. Plus the experience of camping is something she misses.

That's a tough spot. I would not advise or say what he or his wife should do. In similar situations, I would state what MY reaction to the situation would be.

"I would not appreciate my wife going on a trip with her ex."

But do your best to play Switzerland on this one.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring that this is ridiculous for so many reasons, her husband isn't ok with it. The End.

[Anonymous]

second husband asked me what I think

Don't have the kind of relationship with second husband where he would ask your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Odd, but I get where your friend is coming from. If you like camping, backpacking in the sierras is pretty far up there in the list of spectacular trips, like bucket list material. At the same time it is an environment that can feel intimidating due to altitude and remoteness, so having someone knowledgable along can make a big difference. Thus I completely understand why your friend is excited about this trip.

In terms of the new husband I think he really needs to be self aware when thinking through this to determine if the issue is truly with the ex-husband (legit to ask wife not to go) or if it ties in with his own limitations (unfair to so limit his wife by extension.)

As for the step sibling split invite - that's a whole other kettle of fish, and one you'd be well advised to just stay out of.

[Anonymous]

This is a proverbial rock and a hard place situation.

Having done some hiking as a youth, I second the PP that said that, for hikers and campers, this is a premium trip. The 2nd DH cannot go and the issue is whether his disability should prevent others from going. As a general matter, if he forbids her from going, it could raise the issue in her mind of the other things that she has missed/will miss because of his disability. She will resent it and after a while he will feel guilty about it.

On the other hand, I am not sure I that could go and enjoy something that my DH was against. My guilt would kick in.

My advice would be for you to tell him to voice his true concerns to his wife and discuss it with her.

PS - I think it is cruddy that the other kid was not invited.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I understand the issue with the exclusion of the other child. He actually wouldn't even want such a trip since he is perpetually glued to a screen. The two girls from each marriage get along very well, but the two boys from each marriage can't be in the same room.The Ex husband has said, as many others have, that the younger son is out of control partly because the father allows him to be that way. Ex said that at times he wanted to swat the kid...and if it were his kid blah blah. I also prefer not to see that boy. I suspect this could be one of a series of trips that he will miss or be excluded from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I understand the issue with the exclusion of the other child. He actually wouldn't even want such a trip since he is perpetually glued to a screen. The two girls from each marriage get along very well, but the two boys from each marriage can't be in the same room.The Ex husband has said, as many others have, that the younger son is out of control partly because the father allows him to be that way. Ex said that at times he wanted to swat the kid...and if it were his kid blah blah.[b] I also prefer not to see that boy. I suspect this could be one of a series of trips that he will miss or be excluded from.[b]

Poor kid. Sucks to be excluded.

[Anonymous]

My parents vacationed with us after their divorce. They got along pretty well and it was actually pretty fun to have both parents with us as a kid. We weren't confused about them not being together. We enjoyed the fact that they could get along well enough to have fun with us as a family, even if they weren't married. Your ex is part of your family, if you have kids with him or her. He/she is the parent of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her ex when her kids were two and three. They don't remember their parents being married. Both she and her ex are remarried. They mostly speak to each other fairly well. Her new husband and her ex have strained relationships since her two kids by the second husband are a bit of a pain to her ex. Every time he comes to visit they annoy him. Plus his kids, who are now teens, complain a lot to him about one of their step siblings, one in particular. That kid is not easy, he is truly annoying.

Now this summer, the ex husband planned a hiking trip to the Sierras I believe. It is one of those outdoorsy trips with back packs and so on. He is really good at that kind of thing and has experience. My friend did many of those trips with him when they were married.

Friends second husband is not able to venture out and do that kind of thing. Let's leave it at a fairly serious disability that makes camping an impossible event.

When my friend heard that her ex was taking her kids to the mountains, she reacted with a bit of envy. She has not been out camping in forever and wanted to go. Her ex offered to take her along (his new wife would not be there). The point of the trip originally was for the ex to have time with his kids alone, but the kids actually want their mother there for two reasons. One, I think, is to live the fantasy for one week that their family is back together intact. Two, is that their father is strict and the mother defuses things nicely. The ex even suggested that the tolerable step sister come along with them.

My friend's current husband is not happy. Obviously, he realizes his limitations WRT travel and outdoor activities. Second, the rejection of his troublesome child was hurtful. Third, the threat to his marriage. I don't see my friend as the type to cheat, and neither does her husband, but I know that her ex husband still loves her. He has always given her whatever she wants.

Want to stay out of it, but second husband asked me what I think! I wish I could say that he had nothing to worry about, but my friend is beyond enthusiastic about this trip. I find it inappropriate, but I know that she will never have another chance to be with her kids like this. Plus the experience of camping is something she misses.

That's a tough spot. I would not advise or say what he or his wife should do. In similar situations, I would state what MY reaction to the situation would be.

"I would not appreciate my wife going on a trip with her ex."

But do your best to play Switzerland on this one.

Because you are afraid that they will rekindle their relationship? That's crazy. They are divorced for a reason. Taking a vacation with the kids is not a time to get it on, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents vacationed with us after their divorce. They got along pretty well and it was actually pretty fun to have both parents with us as a kid. We weren't confused about them not being together. We enjoyed the fact that they could get along well enough to have fun with us as a family, even if they weren't married. Your ex is part of your family, if you have kids with him or her. He/she is the parent of your children.

Were they both remarried and did the new spouses come along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her ex when her kids were two and three. They don't remember their parents being married. Both she and her ex are remarried. They mostly speak to each other fairly well. Her new husband and her ex have strained relationships since her two kids by the second husband are a bit of a pain to her ex. Every time he comes to visit they annoy him. Plus his kids, who are now teens, complain a lot to him about one of their step siblings, one in particular. That kid is not easy, he is truly annoying.

Now this summer, the ex husband planned a hiking trip to the Sierras I believe. It is one of those outdoorsy trips with back packs and so on. He is really good at that kind of thing and has experience. My friend did many of those trips with him when they were married.

Friends second husband is not able to venture out and do that kind of thing. Let's leave it at a fairly serious disability that makes camping an impossible event.

When my friend heard that her ex was taking her kids to the mountains, she reacted with a bit of envy. She has not been out camping in forever and wanted to go. Her ex offered to take her along (his new wife would not be there). The point of the trip originally was for the ex to have time with his kids alone, but the kids actually want their mother there for two reasons. One, I think, is to live the fantasy for one week that their family is back together intact. Two, is that their father is strict and the mother defuses things nicely. The ex even suggested that the tolerable step sister come along with them.

My friend's current husband is not happy. Obviously, he realizes his limitations WRT travel and outdoor activities. Second, the rejection of his troublesome child was hurtful. Third, the threat to his marriage. I don't see my friend as the type to cheat, and neither does her husband, but I know that her ex husband still loves her. He has always given her whatever she wants.

Want to stay out of it, but second husband asked me what I think! I wish I could say that he had nothing to worry about, but my friend is beyond enthusiastic about this trip. I find it inappropriate, but I know that she will never have another chance to be with her kids like this. Plus the experience of camping is something she misses.

That's a tough spot. I would not advise or say what he or his wife should do. In similar situations, I would state what MY reaction to the situation would be.

"I would not appreciate my wife going on a trip with her ex."

But do your best to play Switzerland on this one.

Because you are afraid that they will rekindle their relationship? That's crazy. They are divorced for a reason. Taking a vacation with the kids is not a time to get it on, anyway.

Agree. That would upset the kids and most sane people would not put their kids through that kind of confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her ex when her kids were two and three. They don't remember their parents being married. Both she and her ex are remarried. They mostly speak to each other fairly well. Her new husband and her ex have strained relationships since her two kids by the second husband are a bit of a pain to her ex. Every time he comes to visit they annoy him. Plus his kids, who are now teens, complain a lot to him about one of their step siblings, one in particular. That kid is not easy, he is truly annoying.

Now this summer, the ex husband planned a hiking trip to the Sierras I believe. It is one of those outdoorsy trips with back packs and so on. He is really good at that kind of thing and has experience. My friend did many of those trips with him when they were married.

Friends second husband is not able to venture out and do that kind of thing. Let's leave it at a fairly serious disability that makes camping an impossible event.

When my friend heard that her ex was taking her kids to the mountains, she reacted with a bit of envy. She has not been out camping in forever and wanted to go. Her ex offered to take her along (his new wife would not be there). The point of the trip originally was for the ex to have time with his kids alone, but the kids actually want their mother there for two reasons. One, I think, is to live the fantasy for one week that their family is back together intact. Two, is that their father is strict and the mother defuses things nicely. The ex even suggested that the tolerable step sister come along with them.

My friend's current husband is not happy. Obviously, he realizes his limitations WRT travel and outdoor activities. Second, the rejection of his troublesome child was hurtful. Third, the threat to his marriage. I don't see my friend as the type to cheat, and neither does her husband, but I know that her ex husband still loves her. He has always given her whatever she wants.

Want to stay out of it, but second husband asked me what I think! I wish I could say that he had nothing to worry about, but my friend is beyond enthusiastic about this trip. I find it inappropriate, but I know that she will never have another chance to be with her kids like this. Plus the experience of camping is something she misses.

That's a tough spot. I would not advise or say what he or his wife should do. In similar situations, I would state what MY reaction to the situation would be.

"I would not appreciate my wife going on a trip with her ex."

But do your best to play Switzerland on this one.

Because you are afraid that they will rekindle their relationship? That's crazy. They are divorced for a reason. Taking a vacation with the kids is not a time to get it on, anyway.

They may not rekindle their relationship, but sex with the ex is fairly common.

[Anonymous]

They may not rekindle their relationship, but sex with the ex is fairly common.

But if there's one trip likely to reduce the chances of that it's a backpacking trip with your kids. There are no showers. Everyone will be dirty and smelly. There's no real privacy even if they have separate tents. After dark it gets COLD (lows down near freezing) so everyone gets in either as much clothing as they've got or snuggled into their solo sleeping bag. Trip with teen kids will also probably be dry.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are people who overcome all of that for sex. But it's gotta lower the odds.