my kid is a lot like me and i don't think it's good

[Anonymous]

my 6 year old daughter has a lot of traits that i had - is kind of shy, is slow to warm up, has a lot of anxiety about new places, would rather stay home than do anything, and is close to only 1 or 2 good friends...

i worry about this a little, b/c i see myself in her and i was a pretty lonely kid until 9th grade - i was never good at making friends or knowing what was cool. I was pulling my socks to my knees when that was hopelessly uncool and i just couldn't "see" it. I was also more immature than other kids - i overheard my parents talking about buying a new car and mentioned it at school - when no new car materialized, i remember my classmates mocking me for the rest of the school year "well, where's your new car now?"

My daughter is also quite different from me, in that she is more social than I was... And I have been super involved in her schools, which my mom wasn't - in the effort to help her make friends/fit in more easily. I'm also trying to encourage her to be more independent than my mom allowed me to be - I have my DD taking the after-camp bus every day, for instance.

Still, I find that I get frustrated when she is too much like me and I can't figure out the best way to respond. Recently, she's been crying at bedtime and wanting me to lie with her and being more weepy - I think the day at camp is long and we need to put her to bed earlier... And while she seems to love camp, today, she cried all morning that she just wanted to stay home...

Meanwhile, her 4 year old brother is my total opposite - comfortable in any new situation, eager to make friends, very matter-of-fact - no tears/weepiness.

[Anonymous]

I feel ya. My DS is a lot like me, critical, argumentative, always wants to be right, bossy, smart mouth, etc... But what can you expect? If you have a child, you have a pretty good chance that child is going to be like you. I do notice these traits and try to correct them. I use examples of when I was younger to try to lead him the right way, to use those traits to be a better person. He's even got my eye-roll down.

[Anonymous]

My DS is waaaayyy too much like me -- overweight, sweet tooth, a little too relaxed about well, everything, same coloring, attitude, etc. NOT NEARLY enough like over-achieving, slender, too-nice, swarthy DH. Oh well. WE all know it. Nothing we can do I guess.

[Anonymous]

Just roll with it, OP, there's only so much you can control.

- signed, mom who has been there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my 6 year old daughter has a lot of traits that i had - is kind of shy, is slow to warm up, has a lot of anxiety about new places, would rather stay home than do anything, and is close to only 1 or 2 good friends...

i worry about this a little, b/c i see myself in her and i was a pretty lonely kid until 9th grade - i was never good at making friends or knowing what was cool. I was pulling my socks to my knees when that was hopelessly uncool and i just couldn't "see" it. I was also more immature than other kids - i overheard my parents talking about buying a new car and mentioned it at school - when no new car materialized, i remember my classmates mocking me for the rest of the school year "well, where's your new car now?"

My daughter is also quite different from me, in that she is more social than I was... And I have been super involved in her schools, which my mom wasn't - in the effort to help her make friends/fit in more easily. I'm also trying to encourage her to be more independent than my mom allowed me to be - I have my DD taking the after-camp bus every day, for instance.

Still, I find that I get frustrated when she is too much like me and I can't figure out the best way to respond. Recently, she's been crying at bedtime and wanting me to lie with her and being more weepy - I think the day at camp is long and we need to put her to bed earlier... And while she seems to love camp, today, she cried all morning that she just wanted to stay home...

Meanwhile, her 4 year old brother is my total opposite - comfortable in any new situation, eager to make friends, very matter-of-fact - no tears/weepiness.

For me, I find that it is the easiest for me to respond when my kid is acting like me. I remember what adults did when I was a child and what was helpful and what wasn't. I think about what I find effective as an adult. I also know that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert or having a few good friends rather than many, and it's easier for me to see her personality as the way she is, rather than something that needs to be corrected. If she's crying and weepy and tired, she might just need a little more cuddling and reassurance to help her get through it. Kids are who they are, and all we can do is help them be who they are in the world in a healthy, appropriate way.

[Anonymous]

1. Show empathy and understanding. Give that kid some extra hugs and cuddles at bedtime.
2. Use your life experience/wisdom to help guide her through the rough spots. This is when your 20/20 hindsight helps.
3. Teach resilience.

You can do it.

[Anonymous]

One of my DSs is very very similar to his dad in both looks and personality. DH finds himself getting particularly frustrated with traits in DS that he struggled with as a child (namely, being scared to try new things and wanting adults to do things for him that he is more than capable of doing for himself). It's like he has to relive the parts of his childhood that were hardest through him, and doesn't know how to help him. The same traits, while somewhat annoying to me, don't get under my skin the same way. Plus, I see all the great things in DS that are what drew me to DH in the first place (both are very considerate and giving, thoughtful, confident in a quiet way, etc) and thus love the 'mini-me' aspect of raising him! The one thing to be cognizant of though is pigeon-holing your child based on your own understanding of yourself. It took me awhile to realize DS was actually a slow-to-warm extrovert who thrives on social interactions even if he doesn't jump right in, whereas DH is much more of an introvert.

As a side note, I think full day camp, even when very fun, can be a lot for kids this age. My K son loves his day camp, but he is exhausted and a bit of a mess at the end of the day. We're trying to take it easy while he adjusts.

[Anonymous]

I am the expert on her flaws and I help her combat them by talking through her feelings and anticipating her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Show empathy and understanding. Give that kid some extra hugs and cuddles at bedtime.
2. Use your life experience/wisdom to help guide her through the rough spots. This is when your 20/20 hindsight helps.
3. Teach resilience.

You can do it.

OP here; i'm definitely trying with the extra hugs and cuddles.... but its hard for me to remember what helped (nothing? i don't recall my parents doing anything in particular - i felt like our family were all the odd-ones-out). I don't even know what hindsight taught me that would apply to a little kid. I think I know how to be a more aware, involved mom and I have all these ideas on concrete things to do - like encouraging the bus for independence, like having her spend time with babysitters, like having playdates, etc, but I can't come up with the words to help her, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my 6 year old daughter has a lot of traits that i had - is kind of shy, is slow to warm up, has a lot of anxiety about new places, would rather stay home than do anything, and is close to only 1 or 2 good friends...

i worry about this a little, b/c i see myself in her and i was a pretty lonely kid until 9th grade - i was never good at making friends or knowing what was cool. I was pulling my socks to my knees when that was hopelessly uncool and i just couldn't "see" it. I was also more immature than other kids - i overheard my parents talking about buying a new car and mentioned it at school - when no new car materialized, i remember my classmates mocking me for the rest of the school year "well, where's your new car now?"

My daughter is also quite different from me, in that she is more social than I was... And I have been super involved in her schools, which my mom wasn't - in the effort to help her make friends/fit in more easily. I'm also trying to encourage her to be more independent than my mom allowed me to be - I have my DD taking the after-camp bus every day, for instance.

Still, I find that I get frustrated when she is too much like me and I can't figure out the best way to respond. Recently, she's been crying at bedtime and wanting me to lie with her and being more weepy - I think the day at camp is long and we need to put her to bed earlier... And while she seems to love camp, today, she cried all morning that she just wanted to stay home...

Meanwhile, her 4 year old brother is my total opposite - comfortable in any new situation, eager to make friends, very matter-of-fact - no tears/weepiness.

For me, I find that it is the easiest for me to respond when my kid is acting like me. I remember what adults did when I was a child and what was helpful and what wasn't. I think about what I find effective as an adult. I also know that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert or having a few good friends rather than many, and it's easier for me to see her personality as the way she is, rather than something that needs to be corrected. If she's crying and weepy and tired, she might just need a little more cuddling and reassurance to help her get through it. Kids are who they are, and all we can do is help them be who they are in the world in a healthy, appropriate way.

YES! Beautifully stated. I have a son who is just like me, he even looks just like me (I'm his Mom). Remembering how it felt to deal with my intense emotions helps me parent him more intuitively. You can do this Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Show empathy and understanding. Give that kid some extra hugs and cuddles at bedtime.
2. Use your life experience/wisdom to help guide her through the rough spots. This is when your 20/20 hindsight helps.
3. Teach resilience.

You can do it.

OP here; i'm definitely trying with the extra hugs and cuddles.... but its hard for me to remember what helped (nothing? i don't recall my parents doing anything in particular - i felt like our family were all the odd-ones-out). I don't even know what hindsight taught me that would apply to a little kid. I think I know how to be a more aware, involved mom and I have all these ideas on concrete things to do - like encouraging the bus for independence, like having her spend time with babysitters, like having playdates, etc, but I can't come up with the words to help her, if that makes sense.

I'm that PP and I think you are doing great, because it's on your radar and you are trying. Nobody's perfect, remember. There's a really great book out there called "Raising Resilient Children." If you like reading parenting books, I highly recommend that. Camp, for example, did she say why she didn't want to go? Can she articulate that? Teaching her to be resilient would help her approach situations she doesn't particularly care for with a plan for how to deal with it. At that age, I hated being outside for camp all day, too hot, so I chose the craft option in the afternoons even though I don't really like crafts. But I felt empowered by my "problem solving," and that goes a long way to making someone more confident and able to approach new situations. And these things take time.

I practice with my son showing him how to be a problem solver, praising him when he does solve a problem, and when he brings a problem to me, I ask him first what his approach may be. They often come up with great, effective answers. But if not, I try to guide a bit. But the more control you can give your kid over her choices, the better. With camp again, if you can figure out what bugs her about it, you can pick a budget for the next camp and give her some choices within that budget (and transportation availability of course).

But putting the idea in her head that she's a problem solver goes a long way, in my experience. With new situations, anxiety, and facing bigger challenges.