Separation to stay married

[Anonymous]

Long story short, my marriage is a shambles. My husband has a job opportunity across the country, but I'm hesitant to go through the stress of relocating as we can't even deal with daily life together. I'm considering an informal, short term separation in hopes that we can independently work on ourselves. I want to give our marriage a chance, I want it to work, but things are just not good. Has anyone separated and stayed married? Was it for the better? Perspectives and experiences appreciated. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Have you done any couples therapy to unpack what the issues are and how to communicate more effectively?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any couples therapy to unpack what the issues are and how to communicate more effectively?

We've been in therapy since April. The job starts in August.

Counselor has presented a number of ways by which to communicate fairly, with respect, etc. The tools have not really been implemented, or are implemented sporadically.

[Anonymous]

Odds are a separation would lead to divorce. Separations get very tricky quickly when one or both are still holding out hope. For instance, how would you feel if he saw other women in the new city while separated from you? If he had a steady girlfriend? The baggage that might be introduced to your relationship during a separation might very well be the end of the relationship eventually even if you got back together after the separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odds are a separation would lead to divorce. Separations get very tricky quickly when one or both are still holding out hope. For instance, how would you feel if he saw other women in the new city while separated from you? If he had a steady girlfriend? The baggage that might be introduced to your relationship during a separation might very well be the end of the relationship eventually even if you got back together after the separation.

I've considered this. However, our day-to-day life is so stressful and I panic about moving and starting over with our marriage in the state it's in.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. This is a tough one, but if you have no children and not a lot of money to be fought over if you divorce, this is my vote --stay put for a while. You don't have to formally separate. See if being apart from the day to day stresses makes you get along better by phone. Then go visit for a long weekend after a few weeks or a month. See how it feels. Play it by ear. Right now it sounds like you are on the verge of separation anyway. Yes, there is a risk living apart could lead one partner to seek another after a while -- and maybe a short while. And if that happens it can introduce problems that you may or mst not recover from as a couple. But if you move when things are so bad, that too can create resentments of one another -- a lost chance to escape a marriage that is not going well, you may resent him more for uprooting you, etc. Lots of couples with no problems sometimes relocate one at a time - so there is a natural flow to that approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you done any couples therapy to unpack what the issues are and how to communicate more effectively?

We've been in therapy since April. The job starts in August.

Counselor has presented a number of ways by which to communicate fairly, with respect, etc. The tools have not really been implemented, or are implemented sporadically.

Come on OP. You have to do the work. You say you want it to work--so do the work. Implement the tools. Fight for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Odds are a separation would lead to divorce. Separations get very tricky quickly when one or both are still holding out hope. For instance, how would you feel if he saw other women in the new city while separated from you? If he had a steady girlfriend? The baggage that might be introduced to your relationship during a separation might very well be the end of the relationship eventually even if you got back together after the separation.

I've considered this. However, our day-to-day life is so stressful and I panic about moving and starting over with our marriage in the state it's in.

PP here. You definitely should NOT move. What you might have to accept is the possibility that your marriage is over if you are in such turmoil over living in the same city as your husband. You should go into the separation with a focus on yourself -- you sound weary -- and doing the work you learned in counseling. You have to be ready, however, for the likelihood that your marriage might not emerge intact, rather than seeing a separation as a cure for your marital woes. If your husband is unwilling to work hard in counseling now, being in a new city and separated from you may very well not make him more willing and may in fact give him the perfect opportunity to give up and look elsewhere. Be ready for that.

[Anonymous]

There is a big risk one or both of you would get involved with someone else - it would be easy.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Stay and work on it OP.

[Anonymous]

I would not do this. It will just cause problems. Either be together or separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do this. It will just cause problems. Either be together or separate.

+1

[Anonymous]

We basically did this during a deployment, but it was understood we'd take the time to better our marriage, without being pissed off just because the other was in the same house. Divorce as well as seeing other people weren't on the table. It worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of the state of the marriage, do you want to move? Did he discuss the move with you and has he already accepted the job? Or is he pushing you into a separation because he actually wants one too and is hoping you won't move with him?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through a difficult time.

Marriage is hard. I can understand why you might feel some hesitation to relocate if you are facing challenges. And I also believe that marriage is worth fighting for.

I heard you share that you want to give your marriage a chance and work on it. I would encourage you to continue to seek support to help you in that process. I think that marriage intensives can be so powerful in opening the door to communication when things are in shambles. Here's an option you might consider: http://bit.ly/1FkRujy

A few years ago, my marriage was in shambles. And it has taken a lot of work to tear down our faulty foundation and begin to rebuild a new life together. It is tough work. And it is so worth it!

I hope you can find some support in this journey.