Apparently I don't have the relationship with my ILs that I thought I did.

[Anonymous]

Venting here.

I've been married to DH for close to 10 years and have always thought I had a really good relationship with my ILs. We live pretty far away so miss the day to day things, but make it to visit at least a few times per year and they reciprocate visits too. To my face, my MIL has always been friendly and supportive and I've even been honored that she's confided in me about some things. There is some teasing about some ways in which I differ from them (I'm a vegetarian and they aren't, I'm way more liberal politically but only answer things that they've directly asked vs. starting scuffs over differences, don't drink and they do, different religion, and have a much shyer personality than most of them).

I genuinely enjoy my time with them and try to fit in as best I can. My SIL can be a tough one to connect with - very outgoing and friendly, until she has an odd jealous flareup (e.g. my preschool DD playing with one of SIL's childhood toys that she'd forgotten at her parents for decades, til that moment and then SIL decides she must have back and takes it away from my child because she suddenly needs it for her own child instead of waiting until our 3 day visit is over and she lives near her parents). MIL and SIL are very close and constantly talk and text.

I've heard over the years that MIL and SIL regularly dissect me in some pretty unfriendly ways. At first I disregarded it as someone not really hearing what they thought they heard or chalked it up to the fact that they banter about a lot of people, but enough of my other BILs and SILs who are consistently reliable people who make a lot of effort to be a very positive part of our life have heard these exchanges about me (everyone lives close together except us so they get together regularly) and have pointed it out to me, and tonight I really can't write it off as a misunderstanding anymore. It's making me really sad and I'm also feeling pretty hopeless that there's anything that can be done about it. The SIL I can understand would do it based on how I've gotten to know her, but my MIL was hard to take as I've always felt like we had a genuinely good rapport, she praises me to me face, and she does a lot of little things to make me feel included.

I'm fairly socially awkward and I don't have the first idea about how to bring it up. I've known them for so long but suddenly feel like maybe I don't actually know them. If what I've heard is wrong (but I doubt it considering the source) it would be stirring the pot and turning into "that" DIL, and if it's true then I don't think I can necessarily believe anything that's said to my face anyway. DH says that there must be some misunderstanding and that he knows for a fact that MIL loves me etc., but he tends to see things through rose colored glasses and wants everyone to get along strongly enough that he can be a little oblivious sometimes.

I'm feeling really sad and embarrassed. I don't want to bash them - I just want to see if I can set things right. Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

The next time one of the other BILs or SILs start to tell you about how they dissect or bash you, stop them from talking and say "You know, I don't really want to hear it. If someone has a problem with me they should say it to my face, just like I'm doing right this second. I don't want to hear gossip." Then walk away. They should be shamed into shutting up.

I wouldn't bother with the SIL - she seems catty and unlikely to change. If you must, speak with the MIL face to face, with nobody else around (or DH but only if he'll back you) and say "Sue, I've been consistently hearing that there are rumors going around the family about me. I really like to be direct and don't enjoy gossiping about people or hearing people are gossiping about me. I really hope you and I have the warm relationship I thought we did ...?"

Maybe MIL is just entertaining SIL but rolling her eyes behind her back when SIL talks shit about you? Who knows.

Be the bigger person. Always.

[Anonymous]

A few years back I decided to stop being passive aggressive and, if it were me, I would ask MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'm also pretty sure my MIL who is a big gossip says pretty uncharitable things about me to lots of people. I used to like her and be friendly with her but now I don't.

[Anonymous]

Here's my take on the situation, OP.

Your SIL is genuinely aggressive and spiteful. She sounds mad at the world and she sounds like the instigator here.

On her own, MIL actually likes you. She has confided in you, gets along with you, tries to include you, and has no beef with you. She is a people-pleaser which is her big problem. She will listen when SIL gets catty and not shut her down and provide a greek chorus of affirmation for her. MIL genuinely likes you and gets along with you. But going to try to please both of you. I wouldn't bother with confronting MIL because there's nothing to confront and people like her just shut down when you try to get them to open up to what their "problem" is. There is no problem -- they just bend in the wind.

With SIL, yeah, I would say you could send her an email and say something like "Larla, maybe you could help me out because I've been hearing some upsetting rumors that you are angry with me. Is there anything I have done to offend you? It seems like there are a lot of emails going back and forth about how you are angry with me."

[Anonymous]

I would avoid confrontation at all costs. It is unlikely to achieve anything and will poison the situation even more. The MIL is likely to take her own daughter's side.

[Anonymous]

Why have your other BILs and SILs told you these things? What do they expect you to do? I'm confused as to their motives. Next time they relate to you these criticisms, could you just come out with "But you stood up for me, right?" As for MIL and SIL, you have got to rise above this and give them no room for spite. SIL sounds childish, so be the adult here and keep things civilised and polite. I think your best hope is MIL - she sounds like she could be open to a warmer relationship. Treat her with respect and hope that she recognises your effort. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would ask if the one reporting these stories stood up for me. Each time I heard a story I'd say "and what did you say? Please don't report this to me if you aren't defending me. You are just contributing to it."

Oh, and get over being "shy". It's a euphemism fur doormat with people like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask if the one reporting these stories stood up for me. Each time I heard a story I'd say "and what did you say? Please don't report this to me if you aren't defending me. You are just contributing to it."

Oh, and get over being "shy". It's a euphemism fur doormat with people like this.

This. Don't confront MIL or SIL. Just shut down the reporting. In my mind, those folks are just as complicit as the MIL and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time one of the other BILs or SILs start to tell you about how they dissect or bash you, stop them from talking and say "You know, I don't really want to hear it. If someone has a problem with me they should say it to my face, just like I'm doing right this second. I don't want to hear gossip." Then walk away. They should be shamed into shutting up.

I wouldn't bother with the SIL - she seems catty and unlikely to change. If you must, speak with the MIL face to face, with nobody else around (or DH but only if he'll back you) and say "Sue, I've been consistently hearing that there are rumors going around the family about me. I really like to be direct and don't enjoy gossiping about people or hearing people are gossiping about me. I really hope you and I have the warm relationship I thought we did ...?"

Maybe MIL is just entertaining SIL but rolling her eyes behind her back when SIL talks shit about you? Who knows.

Be the bigger person. Always.

Yep, this.

You don't want to get into it with angry SIL--and you really don't want to know the details of the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing what's been said it's hard to comment on this. I do think that it's odd that the others are repeating this stuff to you. It's probably an indication of the fact that they don't get along with SIL and maybe MIL so they are using the topic of you as a way to mock them, but I think that there's something problematic when someone actively tries to poison relationships and create insecurities and paranoia like this.

SIL may be insecure and you become the focus of her insecurities. MIL is probably trying to manage her daughters feelings. I honestly wouldn't worry about your relationship with MIL, unless SHE actually acts differently toward you.

I'd worry about those people trying to make you insecure about these relationships.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it, OP. It doesn't matter. Really. SIL is probably deeply insecure, and MIL's close relationship with her is making them both seem tarred with the same brush.

Your gut feeling was that MIL liked you. I think this is true. The rest doesn't matter. Continue to be kind and polite.

[Anonymous]

I think it's odd your source even told you this. Are you sure the source isn't the issue - a manipulative pot stirrer who likes to divide people? I wouldn't increase the drama here. If they are nice to your face, well, that's sufficient. Don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

DH need to have a come to Jesus moment with his mom. Why isn't he sticking up for you? If I heard my family was talking bad about my DH I would stop that instantly. It's just not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks to everyone who offered thoughtful insight.

In the light of day things really do seem much better and it's not the huge deal it felt like in the middle of the night when I woke up worried about it. Yes, the BILs and SILs who were hearing these things were indeed sticking up for me and earning some smack talking of their own, but in the end I can only be who I am and I'll continue to be in the best relationship with them that I can.

I'm not going to go with a big deal conversation about it - my sense is that for this situation, especially being so far away and being a lot of he-said she-said would only incite defensiveness as it has in the past when they've been called on it. They don't apologize, only explain why so and so was wrong for calling them on whatever.

DH has told me again this morning that MIL is who she is, dissects even her dearest friends, and has only ever had good things to say about me to him. I can't change her MO so there's really no point in worrying about it anymore. I'm not perfect obviously, but I can fairly say that I'm always deliberately at my best with them and will continue to do that.