How do you help an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

My BFF is an alcoholic, full stop. She routinely drinks 6-12 drinks in a day, going from flat, to fun to belligerent. She has a terrible marriage and two kids, aged 7&5. She also lives far from me, in the Caribbean. Her sister and mother sort of enable her/pull back from her though both of them are over involved in each others lives in general. Her mother denies there is a problem, her sister acknowledges there is one but has pulled back from her altogether. Her father was also an alcoholic, and died in a drunk driving accident when she was in early elementary school.

Anyhow, what can I do as a friend? We've talked about her drinking but she's on the defensive with me about everything because she knows I think she drinks too much. I'm also not a big drinker anyhow, and not the fun friend she can go out with till 4 a.m.

Does anyone have words of wisdom or experience here? I'm pretty sure she's on track to financial and emotional ruin.

[Anonymous]

In a nutshell, an alcoholic wont quit unless they want it. No amount of trying to get them to quit will work. If they dont want it, wont happen. Majority wont even admit a problem with their drinking.

it is a sad situation and i have seen it many times. The best thing you can do is be there as a support system the day she decides she needs to quit. No criticism, only encouragement, but until that day comes there really isnt much one can do to help someone who drinks like that.

[Anonymous]

best way to help her is to not enable her and help others understand that they too are not helping by enabling. Enabling can mean anything from giving her money, a place to stay, covering for her mistakes, and bailing her out.

[Anonymous]

Short version: You can't, at least while they refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem. All you can do is be available when she finally hits bottom and decides for herself that she needs to make a change. And don't enable her--no bailing her out, no loaning her money, no letting her crash at your place, nothing. You can help her once she's seeking treatment, and not before.

[Anonymous]

You may also want to attend Al-Anon meetings to get support from others in similar situations. You can't fix her. That's the sad truth. She has to want to do it for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may also want to attend Al-Anon meetings to get support from others in similar situations. You can't fix her. That's the sad truth. She has to want to do it for herself.

This.

I wish I knew. I agree with not enabling ; wish over family members would get a clue.

[Anonymous]

You don't and can't. An alcoholic has to decide to help him/her self. Get that person out of your life because no matter how much you care and love them, their first priority is their next drink. Do not let them ruin the life's of you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Re: enabling family members. I can say in my experience, which is sadly extensive, there's a hierarchy of "enablers" in the family. Imagine a pile. The people at the top are the people who are never expected to help or can easily turn a blind eye and pretend nothing is happening. It's easy for them to say "don't help, stop enabling." They're not expected to help and they know the people who are are still below them as options. The further you go down the pile, the harder it gets to just say "cut them off." When you're at the rock bottom of the pile, you're their rock bottom person. It falls to you to ultimately do the cutting off. Nobody above you really mattered because it all always fell to you anyway. And it is heartbreaking. Anyone who thinks it's as easy as just not helping has never been the rock bottom person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: enabling family members. I can say in my experience, which is sadly extensive, there's a hierarchy of "enablers" in the family. Imagine a pile. The people at the top are the people who are never expected to help or can easily turn a blind eye and pretend nothing is happening. It's easy for them to say "don't help, stop enabling." They're not expected to help and they know the people who are are still below them as options. The further you go down the pile, the harder it gets to just say "cut them off." When you're at the rock bottom of the pile, you're their rock bottom person. It falls to you to ultimately do the cutting off. Nobody above you really mattered because it all always fell to you anyway. And it is heartbreaking. Anyone who thinks it's as easy as just not helping has never been the rock bottom person.

Thanks for this. I'm one of the two people she calls drunk and sobbing at night, though i have had to stop taking most of these calls as I can't handle it. I am just so heart broken. I know that what she needs is an in-patient treatment but I can't imagine how that would happen. She would need someone to fly down and take care of the kids-- and while I could do that for a week, I couldn't do that for longer than a week. Would her mother come? Maybe, maybe not. Her sister would not. Her husband is a total asshole and I can't imagine he'd be willing to make it work...

I just don't see how this works itself out.

[Anonymous]

I would not assume that she needs in-patient treatment. What she needs is to go to an AA meeting and admit where she is before she loses those children altogether.

You can't help her. All you can do is tell her she has a problem and needs help, and when she admits that and starts getting help, then you can support her again as a friend.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 close family members that are severe alcoholics.

#1: Everybody tried to help. He died of alcoholism.
#2: Everybody cut him off, he is sober.
#3: Everybody cut him off, he sobered up, met a girl in rehab who is his new enabler, he is drinking again and in his 2nd stint in rehab in 1 year after being sober for 5.

You literally say, I will not take your phone call and you don't unless she is sober or has had a good period of sobriety. Period, it is as easy as that.

The kids will either be raised by the H or taken by CPS and placed with a family member or not. This may sound harsh but her kids are being raised by an alcoholic so any other option is better.

[Anonymous]

Hi, here go an article with some helpful tips on how to help an alcoholic. http://bit.ly/1A8GZvp

kdgsupermom

[MaxwellSmart]

I don't think that true alcoholic can ever be "cured" of their alcoholism. With that said, someone really has to want to help themselves before they take any actions seriously.

I had a friend drink himself to death, but it wouldn't have happened if he didn't have a neighbor that was an enabler. He gave her his credit card and she was buying him a huge bottle of wine everyday. I guess he made a deal with her that she could also use his card to buy herself things too.

Regardless, he died, what looked to be, a painful death once I got him to the hospital!