husband desperate to be a dad

[Anonymous]

Please do not judge or flame. If you have only insults to hurl, save them for less stressful, agonizing topics. Only advice, please. Here's the situation - - - woman married for second time to man with no kids. She has 3 kids by previous marriage and had her tubes tied. New husband desperately wants a biological baby of his own. 22 year old daughter, who already has a toddler of her own, has offered to be surrogate. Both husband and daughter want to leave medical professionals out of the picture. Daughter has said they will put her on fertility drugs that could negatively impact her health down the road. Husband not too keen on jerking off in a medical facility. They have suggested either a "turkey baster" approach, or actually having sex. They said there would be no romance or kissing involved, just straight intercourse in an attempt to get the job done. They both said mom could be on the premises, although not in the room when this took place. I think this suggestion is grossly insensitive, bizarre, and amounts to infidelity. They have both said it would be less invasive and sterile than a medical setting, but definitely not a hot sex session motivated by lust, and more reliable than the aforementioned turkey baster. My mind has not stopped spinning since I heard this. Is there any situation where it's ok for a stepfather to have sex with his adult stepdaughter for the sole purpose of impregnating her? What if the daughter changes her mind at the last moment and does not relinquish the baby? Could a lawyer draw up papers beforehand legally obligating the daughter to give the baby to her mother for adoption? Please only helpful comments.

[Anonymous]

If the wife only had her tubes tied, and hasn't had a hysterectomy, why would the daughter need to be a suregate? Daughter may need to be an egg donor if the wife doesn't have viable eggs, but no need for her to carry the baby. So what they're talking about is not suragacy. And if the wife wants no part of using her own eggs or carrying a child, then there is a big question as to what they are doing. Of course, if they are truly doing this to avoid the using medical professionals, I do believe there are "home turkey baster" methods that would not require them to have sex - I'm sure a Google search would turn up a lot of advice. But if the wife isn't interested enough to consult with medical professionals about how to have a child with her eggs/body, and the husband doesn't even want to make the effort to send in his sample to a medical office, then there are bigger concerns.

[Anonymous]

So as I understand this, the daughter would actually be the biological mother. If the mother still has ovaries, couldn't they harvest her eggs and use the daughter as a surrogate. Is money the issue with the use of medical professionals? If the daughter is a surrogate she wouldn't be on that many drugs, would she? I don't know about that part. Is the daughter married? What does her husband have to say?

I do think this is very strange and full of legal complications that I can't even begin to imagine. Also, there is no guarantee that she would get pregnant the first time. How many times/months is she going to have sex with her stepfather?

There are so many pitfalls in this situation, I don't even know where to begin.

[Anonymous]

Wife was very interested in having a baby with this husband, but was told untying tubes would give her at best a 20% chance of conceiving. Wife was open to adoption but husband really wants biological child since she has 3 and he has none. The baby would be biologically the daughter's and husband's. Wife would adopt baby if a lawyer could draw up contract making that iron clad. It's a way to have a surrogate situation without all the medical and legal costs normally involved. Daughter would be a surrogate since she'd be donating her egg and carrying the baby to term. I know it's very screwed up, but not all people are in a position to pay tens of thousands of dollars to deal with infertility. Wife is basically infertile because her tubes have been tied a long time and she's over 40. I'm sick over this and don't know how to respond. Wife is being called selfish by husband and I agree that there are now some issues that make pursuing a pregnancy questionable. This is not an incest type situation, I want to point out. Daughter is adult, husband is not her father, he married mother after daughter was out of the house so there is no father-daughter relationship. Still I find it puzzling and disturbing that they are both so willing to engage in sex with each other for any reason. Something creepy about it and it seems blatantly insensitive of wife/mom's feelings. She did not suggest this, THEY did. This person is very close to me and I am concerned about her emotional well being. I know people get desperate to have a baby or family and are willing to do all sorts of things and make sacrifices, but this suggestion seems too dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Daughter never married the father of her toddler. I have no idea why she would do this. She claims she wants to help her mom and stepfather. Of course, she also knows that they said she could quit her job while she's pregnant and they would support her, so perhaps this is her motive since she is in a low paying job she hates. I also thought about the daughter not getting pregnant right away and having sex with stepfather many times, but I didn't have the guts to point that out to wife since she seems so torn about what to do. The bottom line is that I don't know how she'd go on happily and securely in her marriage knowing what her husband and daughter did together. I am afraid he will then want another kid and the whole agony will begin again. I wish I didn't even know about it, it's weighing on my mind and I don't know what to say other than to tell her to get a good lawyer if she goes thru with it.

Anonymous wrote:So as I understand this, the daughter would actually be the biological mother. If the mother still has ovaries, couldn't they harvest her eggs and use the daughter as a surrogate. Is money the issue with the use of medical professionals? If the daughter is a surrogate she wouldn't be on that many drugs, would she? I don't know about that part. Is the daughter married? What does her husband have to say?

I do think this is very strange and full of legal complications that I can't even begin to imagine. Also, there is no guarantee that she would get pregnant the first time. How many times/months is she going to have sex with her stepfather?

There are so many pitfalls in this situation, I don't even know where to begin.

[Anonymous]

yes, this sounds like a very complicated situation. i would really wonder whether or not there's some intrigue there between the two -- ESPECIALLY since they've never had the father/daughter lived in the same house relationship. First step should be for all 3 of you to go to a family therapist to get an unbiased, PROFESSIONAL opinion. if they aren't willing to do that then they are admitting something is very odd (or at minimum not simple) with the situation... as for the fees associated with medical intervention/treatments being a raodblock -- lawyers fees will undoubtedly not be cheap either. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Regarding whether a contract can be signed in which the daughter agrees to give up her biological child for adoption - this will depend on the state laws. In the Baby M case in New Jersey, a similar contract was held to be in violation of public policy (although there was payment involved in that case). If the parties attempt this (which I agree with OP is a very bad idea with untold emotional/psychological consequences both now and in the future) they should absolutely consult a lawyer specializing in contract and/or family law. But this situation sounds disastrous on so many levels - the man sounds borderline abusive, in my book.

[Anonymous]

This is sick beyond belief.

That is not a flame or a judgment; it's a fact. You are right to be concerned and I hope that you can help your friend. The obvious question is why did a man who so desperately wants a biological child marry a woman who can't give him one, but I suppose that's beside the point now.

If I were you, I would try... try... .to talk some sense into the said wife and beg her to get professional assistance with all of this. Whether she realizes it or not, she has serious marriage problems. I hope a good therapist would advise her to get out of this marriage now, but perhaps there are parts of her marriage that we don't know about that are worth saving. If my husband ever came to me with such a screwed-up idea, he/ I would be history, but that in the end must remain her decision.

The other person who needs help here is 22 year old daughter and MOTHER of a toddler. WTH kind of example/ life is she setting for her own child?

If you can't do anything else, perhaps you can convince this woman to stop using the euphamism "surrogacy" for this situation. This is NOT surrogacy in its true, intended form. This is just plain weird.

[Anonymous]

"They both said mom could be on the premises, although not in the room when this took place."

Why can't the Mother be in the room when they do the deed? This is very strange. Why not just use an Instead cup?

[Anonymous]

That is the freakin craziest thing I've ever heard. Maybe after they do it they could be on Dr. Phil.

[Anonymous]

I think Lifetime would be interested in the made for TV movie.

[Anonymous]

She is, if she goes through with it, setting herself up for heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

The husband wants to spare himself the experience of ejaculating into a cup at the doctor's, and it's the wife that's being selfish? She should be selfless enough to let her daughter and her husband sleep together?

The fact that father and step-daughter are willing to have sex sounds suspicious in the extreme. Whether they admit it or not, they feel an attraction.

They will face so many problems if they use the daughter's eggs and body for surrogacy, even if that happened through IVF instead of sex.

And has anyone thought how the child will feel? Every child has the right to eventually know who his biological parents are. This seems sure to screw the kid up.

This poor woman is being misled. She should quietly be consulting a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

I honestly dont know what to say, I am sitting here with my jaw dropped trying to fogure out if I read what I thought I read. Something is not right here at all Very strange

[Anonymous]

Pp here spell check is broken and Im in a rush typing sorry for the typos