Demanding Mother!!

[Anonymous]

I get so frustrated with my parents. They are very demanding and no matter what we do they are constantly critical/unhappy with the amount of time we devote to them.

Both my sibling and I are married and have children - two working parent families.

We live a 4 hour drive away without traffic. On summer weekends it has taken up up to 8 hours one way to get there. My sibling lives 30 minutes away from our parents.

My family is moving to a new home at the end of June so we are eyeball deep in packing, arranging home repairs, etc.

Yesterday my sibling and I get a text from Mom saying that she/Dad are disappointed in us that we are "not interested" in visiting Dad for Father's Day.

I was like - here we go again. She loves to lob in big jabs by text and then flounce.

I responded by saying that I was sorry they were feeling hurt and I was positive that neither of us was "not interested" in seeing Dad, but that as she knows we are moving 4 days after Father's Day so we're not in a position to be away for the weekend before the move. I reminded her that as we had previously discussed, we would be visiting in July for Dad's birthday weekend.

Her response was "not coming says it all".

My sibling will be out of town that weekend. We have already coordinated and purchased a very nice joint Father's Day gift for my Dad that he will really like.

I'm so sick of having to defend myself to my parents and deflect numerous unreasonable demands.

If your Father's b-day was in July...would you visit in person for both Father's Day in June and go again a few weeks later in July for the birthday? Am I just a terrible daughter (as she tells me)?

I'm not even factoring in that we are literally moving four days after Father's day - which she apparently thinks is a poor excuse not to travel.

It's to the point that anytime I get a text from Mom now I get a feeling of anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach. I don't even like to call now because everything is a verbal beating.

Part of me feels like saying that if you are unhappy with the effort we are making, we can certainly make no effort at all if you'd prefer that....I'm just so frustrated.....

[Anonymous]

Your mom is way out of line.

Don't take it to heart--and knowing your mom is like this, don't worry about meeting her expectations. Go when you can, when it works for you, when you want to... But don't let your mom's emotional manipulation actually work.

[Anonymous]

You need to let it go. Your mom is way out of line and has probably always been. You have take your stand as an a independent adult and do what you need to. "I'm sorry you feel this way" is a sufficient response.

My mother is awful. It took me until my 30s to release myself of her expectations and guilt trips. And it took me even longer to really separate myself from her.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious- have you talked to your father about your reasons for not visiting him on Father's Day? Is he pissed to or just Rage Mom?

[Anonymous]

Why not just ignore her texts for a while. She's so over the top she's almost operatic.

[Anonymous]

These details no not matter. You have got to understand that your decisions are not being respected, or you're not being clear or decisive enough - and this pattern will just keep repeating over and over re: all kinds of different issues.

First of all - you need to discount anything you hear second hand. "Your Father thinks ..." blah blah. If Father doesn't say it to you, discount it. It might be made up (maybe to manipulate you) or he mentioned it in passing during a private conversation (which she has no place to mention to you - and the emphasis/weight you should give it can't be judged)

Next - set boundaries. No reason you need to be immediately available for texts/calls. Ignore or don't read them. You decide a time (when you feel strong and can deal) to call her back. End the conversation when she starts to badger you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious- have you talked to your father about your reasons for not visiting him on Father's Day? Is he pissed to or just Rage Mom?

OP here.

My father makes no effort to have a relationship with his kids. He's a nice enough guy, but he really doesn't care about anything/anyone much.

Mom is the loud complainer/criticizer of the family. Dad usually will chime in to her when she brings things up - he's a go along to get along kind of person, he has to live with her constant drama making.

There have been times when Mom has done this kind of thing and when I talk to Dad about his supposed concerns he's like, it's not a problem I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These details no not matter. You have got to understand that your decisions are not being respected, or you're not being clear or decisive enough - and this pattern will just keep repeating over and over re: all kinds of different issues.

First of all - you need to discount anything you hear second hand. "Your Father thinks ..." blah blah. If Father doesn't say it to you, discount it. It might be made up (maybe to manipulate you) or he mentioned it in passing during a private conversation (which she has no place to mention to you - and the emphasis/weight you should give it can't be judged)

Next - set boundaries. No reason you need to be immediately available for texts/calls. Ignore or don't read them. You decide a time (when you feel strong and can deal) to call her back. End the conversation when she starts to badger you.

Oh believe me, I've been clear and decisive.

She loves to rewrite history. She will completely pretend conversations didn't happen. Or you will agree upon something and a week later I'll get a call criticizing me for something I apparently didn't do, didn't do when she wanted or how she wanted and when I remind her of the conversation she claims we never talked about it or not about it that way. It's total BS.

I have seriously marveled at the incredible amount of drama she can create. Without her I live a drama free life - it's wonderful. My Mom, however, has a Facebook battle with someone just about every other week or wants to complain about some lady in her bridge group or about my sibiling. She tries to get me to criticize my inlaws. She criticizes my sibling's inlaws. It just never stops. Several of her life-long friends have stopped talking to her and cut her off.

[Anonymous]

With a mom like that and a dad who really doesn't care I wouldn't visit at all.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that my decisions are not being respected. They are being actively rejected and criticized.

Nothing anyone does is enough or good enough.

This does repeat over and over about all sorts of different issues.

She started a flght with me bc she didn't like something my friend posted in response to her on my FB page!

She was angry with me for not being able to visit them at their vacation home in March. Our flight was cancelled due to the big snowstorm, but that was some crazy kind of excuse somehow - we should have rebooked for the next week! (umm...we have jobs!)

It just goes on and on.

[Anonymous]

I have a mom like this as well. You need distance. You make a mental promise that you will only talk to her 1-2X month. That's it. Don't be available. It's the only way to handle it.

She's manipulating you because she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do agree that my decisions are not being respected. They are being actively rejected and criticized.

Nothing anyone does is enough or good enough.

This does repeat over and over about all sorts of different issues.

She started a flght with me bc she didn't like something my friend posted in response to her on my FB page!

She was angry with me for not being able to visit them at their vacation home in March. Our flight was cancelled due to the big snowstorm, but that was some crazy kind of excuse somehow - we should have rebooked for the next week! (umm...we have jobs!)

It just goes on and on.

You need go-to responses. "Mom, that's just the way it is. How was Margie's surgery...." or "Noted. Is your garden doing well this year?" etc.

You need to SHUT IT DOWN and move on.

[Anonymous]

Be stupid and cheerful. Just because she sends you a ticket for a guilt trip doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride.

Her: "I can't believe you're not coming for Father's Day!"

You: "I know, right? Bummer the move is that week. We'll see you in July!"

Her: "Not coming says it all"

You:"Yep, says we've got alot of packing to do! See you in July!"

Don't take the guilt trip!

[Anonymous]

Yes- I agree.

I need better pat answers.

When I get into a situation with her, I find myself feeling like I have to explain again or defend myself/my decision. I catch myself doing it and then I stop and end the conversation.

I'd do much better if I had better responses planned or in hand. What others can I use?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't normally recommend it because it can be a rough place, but check out the DWIL board (dealing with in-laws) on babycenter. They can be extreme, but they have the right idea for dealing with difficult people. Don't justify or explain your decisions, set firm boundaries, change the subject as needed. Definitely read a lot before posting anything!