Just went through a hellish scene.

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06/09/2015 21:14

Subject: Just went through a hellish scene.

Anonymous

I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!