Just went through a hellish scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

A clubhouse with a day program? With those symptoms? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

OP just had a terrifying experience. I'm so sorry. From what you wrote, it sounds like your daughter has been allowed home during the days without having someone there to care for her?

Not sure but if that's the case, you may have just come to the end of your ability to leave her unattended safely.

My child has autism and is at risk of wandering, I've had to tell some neighbors so that they know if they see my child alone outside, that it is NOT ok. You may need to break your silence. You cant carry this burden alone with just you and your husband.

I would suggest family counseling where you can all talk about your feelings. It seems like you have bottled so much up. It's not fair to yourself. You need help and a good therapis can help you perhaps work on these feelings and make a plan of care that better suits your daughter's needs and assuages your guilt to help you accept maybe a path you didn't want to have to go down.

I'm so so sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, you had a terrifying experience. I see that you are at the end of your rope. I'm so sorry.

I agree with other posters that there is something that has to give here. Your fears for your daughter may have some validity, but there are measures to protect her even in in-patient care. Not every facility is dangerous and a potential raping ground. I think your anxiety is overwrought (and I have a daughter in much the same position due to physical disabilities).

Secondly, I agree that it's time to let go of the shame and embarrassment you seem to let hang over your situation. A stranger passed judgment on you? MEH! Who the hell cares, OP? You and I have 99 problems before breakfast that are bigger than he is. Laugh in his face.

I also agree with carrying a laminated card with your pictures; or carrying her birth certificate and photo in a pouch.

Finally, why do you feel the need to protect her reputation at all costs? I get a strong overtone that you somehow believe that this situation is temporary and your daughter is going to be "cured" or come out of it and pick up her life and thus you need to keep this secret. OP -- I get where you are coming from. But, c'mon. This is overwhelming you and it's not realistic for her. Therapy for you may be called for. It's time to dream a new dream for her.

[Anonymous]

OP - forgive me if this was already asked or discussed, but why didn't you call the police?

Of course you would have to explain to them what the situation was and that she was unarmed and a danger to herself. They would have been able to restrain her and immediately admit her for psychiatric treatment.

I guess the big question is - where would she go for extensive long-term treatment. Surely there has got to be place for her either domestically or internationally that knows how to manage and help people such as your DD.

I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

A clubhouse with a day program? With those symptoms? Seriously?

It's a start and a way to get her into the system. Clubhouse staff can make further referrals as neceassary. OP and her daughter may need to take baby steps.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is having a psychotic break - why is she not hospitalized??

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry. I have a child with autism and bipolar disorder and it is a tough row to hoe, I know. If I had a dollar for every stare and unhelpful comment our family has gotten from strangers, I could fly doctors to us on our own private Caribbean island. And he is only 10!

Is she on Medicaid as well as your private insurance? I have heard that is good to do once a child is 18 because sometimes Medicaid covers more therapeutic options than private insurance. Also, I have heard that Western State hospital in southwestern VA is very good at getting patients stabilized and on the right medications (inpatient).

You could try Dominion Mental Health in Falls Church or the Kellar Center in Fairfax (this is a private therapeutic day school). They might have some suggestions on good local resources. Maybe there is a day program for teens and young adults in crisis mode or a local program that will pay for respite or day supervision. I would also give your local police station her photo and explain her situation so they are aware. It sucks but its better than a huge public situation with the police in the dark about her issues.

I'm not really sure what pps are referring to when they talk about residential care-my understanding is either an adult patient is admitted to a hospital for treatment or the treatment is outpatient. There aren't places you send adults with mental illness to live that insurance magically pays for.
I'm sure there are private facilities catering to the uber rich but that would not be OP.

[Anonymous]

^^Another thought is to put a tracker on her shoe, just in case. There are small ones designed for kids with autism who are runners. If she usually wears the same pair and puts shoes on before leaving the house.

[Anonymous]

I have no useful ideas or advice for you. I cannot presume to know the depths of desperation and anguish you must feel. I just wanted to add my support to all the others here.

You must be a truly amazing person to be coping with this. I cannot imagine the pain.

I wish there were something I could do to help but I will keep you in my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP - Obviously you are doing all you can for your adult daughter and the strain on your entire family is permeable in your writing. Having two of our three daughters with different sorts of disabilities I will raise these questions which may or may not be helpful now or in the future:

Even though your daughter lives with you at age 18 she legally became a family of one and can quality for certain benefits as such.

a- Have you applied for Supplemental Security Insurance SSI for your daughter to get her on disability for which she will surely qualify. The disability criteria is not likely to be able to hold gainful employment for 12 months and earn gross at least $1,090. The monthly SSI Benefit is $733.

b- Once she qualifies for SSI, she would qualify to receive Medicaid Health Insurance. [/b]Medicaid Health Insurance could become her primary health insurance or could simply be used as a Secondary Health Insurance to cover cost that your family policy might not. Simply establishing Medicaid Eligibility might also make her eligible to receive certain mental health services for those with limited resources.

c- Rather than trying to do so much on your own for her, have you connected with the local agency which treats those with mental health issues? In Virginia it would be the local Community Services Board (CSB)? I know there may be waiting lists, but it would be a key point of entry.

d- As mentioned, I would not rule out all mental health treatment placements/programs as you are only backing your daughter and yourself/DH and children into a smaller corner. It is hard to imagine that your daughter will be doing any better in a home by herself and in her own world. Yet, where to go for treatment??? She does need some place to go for medication, therapy and/or a day treatment setting.[b]

You and DH are under enormous pressures and obviously feel there is no positive end in site, but I would suggest if the two of you together might see a couples therapist rather than going off on your tracks since it is key for your four children that you two can keep communicating and be on the same page. Try and give each other the opportunity to do what one needs to do to calm down and keep your own health good.

[Anonymous]

I'm just wondering if her local psychiatrist has been able to recommend any inpatient treatment hospitals that might stabilize her? I know you've had bad experiences and it has made you wary of inpatient but at this point, all you have are bad options. It seems like she can not be safely left home alone right now and if she is having these delusional episodes, she needs her medication adjusted or even just as a safe place to be inpatient while they do a few ECTs and see if they help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been thinking of you this morning and I hope today is a much better day. I remember feeling like you right before my son was diagnosed with autism.. nobody could tell me what was going on and he was literally melting down at the drop of a hat in public. People were looking at me like I was insane and he was non-verbal and shrieking.. it was awful.

I hope you are able to find help ASAP.. finding the right help and therapy saved me and my son...

I know what your dealing with is not the same and your child is an adult but just wanted you to know that people are thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Could you reach out to an organization such as this to see if they could point your in the direction or resources and treatment: https://bbrfoundation.org/schizophrenia
Maybe contact NIH..

[Anonymous]

OP -- I hope you're feeling better this morning -- I've been thinking of you. A lot of the posters here have you given you some really great suggestions and I also wanted to recommend a book that someone on this board recommended a while ago. It's by a mother about her experiences raising two bipolar teens -- for the life of me I can't remember the title or the author. Would anyone else happen to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!

You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

I agree with much of what you're saying but give OP a break -- she's blowing off some steam. I also agree with what another poster up above said -- OP should open herself up to more help from others.

She's making suicidal statements. She needs to get some help right now.

Yes, and is your idea of help saying she's no better than people she thinks mistreats mental patients help? Is lecturing her on the use of "white trash" help? I think not. If you think someone is having suicidal thoughts, you encourage them to get help, you don't criticize them and beat them down even further. But, I'm sure you don't see anything wrong with what you wrote. Empathy and compassion seem to escape you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had a terrifying experience. I see that you are at the end of your rope. I'm so sorry.

I agree with other posters that there is something that has to give here. Your fears for your daughter may have some validity, but there are measures to protect her even in in-patient care. Not every facility is dangerous and a potential raping ground. I think your anxiety is overwrought (and I have a daughter in much the same position due to physical disabilities).

Secondly, I agree that it's time to let go of the shame and embarrassment you seem to let hang over your situation. A stranger passed judgment on you? MEH! Who the hell cares, OP? You and I have 99 problems before breakfast that are bigger than he is. Laugh in his face.

I also agree with carrying a laminated card with your pictures; or carrying her birth certificate and photo in a pouch.

Finally, why do you feel the need to protect her reputation at all costs? I get a strong overtone that you somehow believe that this situation is temporary and your daughter is going to be "cured" or come out of it and pick up her life and thus you need to keep this secret. OP -- I get where you are coming from. But, c'mon. This is overwhelming you and it's not realistic for her. Therapy for you may be called for. It's time to dream a new dream for her.

I am imagining it is extremely difficult for OP because she had about 16 years to get to know her daughter and live a different life before this one began. She is still adjusting to this horrible new reality and she has to grieve not just her dreams but the child she lost. OP, you are in hell right now. I don't know what to say or how to help. Is it best for your daughter to be at home? I have a little knowledge about this disorder and I know a little about the prognosis. Is there a social worker that can help you work through a plan for the future? I am sure that some of the better psychological centers would have contacts for this. I am so very sorry OP. There but for the Grace of God go we all.