Just went through a hellish scene.

[Anonymous]

I am so hurt for you. I'm sorry.
If I were you the hard part would be feeling like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. My now 18 yo daughter has a physical illness which is incurable and sometimes I get so damn tired of it all. Not feeling like there is hope is a huge burden and it makes bad days really bad!! I bet you feel the same way about your daughters brain illness.

I don't have any solutions. But I do think brain illnesses are not seen as embarrassing in recent years. Don't you think they are much more talked about openly nowadays? Please don't feel embarrassed or like this is some secret you have to hide. More often than not you are going to get reactions from kind, understanding individuals rather than judgemental idiots.

I think it may be a huge support to you to find support groups of some kind. You need to feel less alone. It has helped us.

Much love your way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for you and finding myself in tears for you.
You must be incredibly strong to have dealt with this for so long and with such little help.
I wish we could wave a magic wand and make everything right.
I hope some of the posters here can point you in a direction to get the help your daughter needs so you can have peace.
I am so, so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am so, so sorry. You are a wonderful mom and no one knows how hard this is for you...I had a difficult situation in public with my son having an episode yesterday in the psychiatrist's office, and everyone stared at us and gave me dirty looks (you'd think they'd understand...) so I know to a tiny degree how it feels. Your husband is dealing with his own hurt and frustration, but his response doesn't help very much.

It def. sounds like you need someone to talk to and some time to yourself to recharge. You will be a better mom when you feel heard and give yourself time to rest and do something you enjoy.

You did the right thing and I am going to be praying for you : ) Hugs!!!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all these messages. OP here. Too much anger for me to write anything else tonight. But I will read more later.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I wish I could offer something that would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey you need therapy to get past the idea that her mental illness is a humiliating family secret for you to keep from everyone. Really. Get that and respite care. But mostly therapy. You are assuming if your dd were in her right mind she would be mortified by her current condition. Possibly true, but she's NOT in her right mind.

I totally disagree with this. The OP isn't ashamed of her daughter or her mental illness, but it's the years of looks and comments you get from people who don't understand piling up and wearing her down.

I do agree about trying to get respite care.

OP, hang in there. Many of us have been driven to the brink with exhaustion, worry, depression, stress. Cold comfort, I know, but you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP my heart aches for you and your daughter. The one thing I've learned in all of this is to have compassion for my child (which you of course do) AND for myself. You are no different than a parent whose child is suffering with cancer and even those parents have to deal with the rude, idiotic behavior/questions of others.

Another poster mentioned this up thread but I truly hope that as your daughter grows older and her hormones settle she'll suffer less. I also understand the guilt you feel toward your sons but don't -- they have an amazing mother and role model in you and that is invaluable. I really wish you and your family well.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry op. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it would grind me down mentally. I hope are getting some sleep right now.

I can't give much advice but I had a couple of thoughts:

-since it is summer break, can your sons go spend a few weeks with relatives? It would give them a break and give you some time to try to get your daughter stabilized.

-for incidences like tonight it could be helpful to have a printed card with a photo of you and your daughter and a note explaining her condition. It could help quickly show strangers what the situation is and who they should trust. You could stash one in your wallet, one in the glove box, etc.

-maybe you should consider letting your neighbors know about her condition and give them your cell so they can call if they see her out on her own. And so they don't call the police which would probably be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!

You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!

You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

I agree with much of what you're saying but give OP a break -- she's blowing off some steam. I also agree with what another poster up above said -- OP should open herself up to more help from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!

You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

I agree with much of what you're saying but give OP a break -- she's blowing off some steam. I also agree with what another poster up above said -- OP should open herself up to more help from others.

She's making suicidal statements. She needs to get some help right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say op except that you all have been dealt a really shitty hand. I hope things get better for you somehow, some way.

+1. sending prayers to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reeling and a little bit broken.

I want to type but my throat is constricted to the point of choking. I wish I was dead. For the past 3 years, my house has become an insane asylum. We are being pushed to the breaking point emotionally and financially by my now-20 year old daughter, who has developed schizoaffective disorder (different from schizophrenia and MUCH harder to treat). DH and I work to the bone and earn very little compared to our huge expenses - raising 3 kids and paying our house and all the medical expenses for the ill DD.

Now I came home from work 2 hours ago and was ready to make dinner when I realized my 20-year old DD was missing. Not in the house. I was terrified because she CANNOT under any circumstances be let out of the house. She has psychotic episodes (don't suggest any meds - we've tried them all), though less frequently than before since we are doing ECT sessions. She is also unable to be aware of her own surroundings. These past 3 years we never let her leave the house unattended.

So I'm running out of the house, looking up and down our street wildly for my daughter, whose ravings and rantings and screaming we have tried to hide as much as possible for her own sake. I can't find her. It's night and I'm terrified for her safety. My heart pounding, I get in my car and go driving, looking everywhere for her, praying to God that I'd find her. Finally I see her near a convenience store, pull into the parking lot, and tell her to get in the car. She refuses. I sit there trying to convince her to get in, and my daughter shrieks that the Russians are coming for her and that she'll call the police on me.

Now people are starting to notice. and it looks as if I'm trying to kidnap a grown woman. In a convenience store parking lot. A man comes up and sternly asks me what I'm doing. I have to explain everything to him. He doesn't believe me and asks my daughter if I am who I say I am and that if she feels safe with me. She starts saying that I won't let her drink soda and I'm in league with the Russians and that she'll call the police, and at this point I can tell he is creeped out by the whole scene. I am utterly humiliated and trying not break down in tears. He leaves, giving both of us very judgmental looks, and now I'm furious and humiliated. I've had to deal with scenes like this for 3 years, and I can't stand to have yet another stranger look at me like I'm a freak and my daughter's a freak. I lose my cool and yell at my daughter to get in the car. She yells back that she won't. We yell back and forth for a few minutes, like white trash instead of civilized, educated people, and then she finally gets in the car when I promise to let her have an entire bottle of soda and that I'll make mac and cheese with bacon for her for dinner.

Now we are home and I can't stop crying. She is my only daughter and I had such hopes for her. I feel like I'm watching her die every time this happens. I do not recognize her anymore.

DH and I had a fight over it. He blames me for not knowing how to calm her down. What can I do?! I am only human. And no, we cannot just put her in a home. She has no awareness of her surroundings and is completely vulnerable, and sexual abuse is a HUGE issue with female mental patients. She has been a patient at some of the best psych wards in the country. I have seen how badly the nurses treat patients like her, even at Johns Hopkins and Mass General Hospital.

I am so angry that my life has descended to looking like white trash on street with my mentally ill, ruined daughter, with shit careers, and my other children suffering. I have no future, DH has no future, she has no future, and my sons are going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to college tuition and beyond. I wish I had never been born!

You need to take YOURSELF to therapy to get some perspective on this and on handling the problem. You are grieving an image of who you thought you are and who you thought she would be. You are overwhelmed. Your family is out of balance because of her illness. Talking it out with someone else may bring you peace.

You also need to get some perspective on professionals in the field. You talk about how bad the nurses treat your daughter, but is their treatment of her worse than your treatment of her? You were standing in a parking lot screaming at her. I have a hard time imagining a nurse treating your daughter the way you just treated her. She needs help. You are over-whelmed. You need to get her help from professionals. It's okay to be wary, but there are people out there that can help her. Start asking around for the names of good programs in your area. Even a clubhouse with a day program would be helpful, if you can't send her to a residential facility.

And please stop comparing the struggle of dealing with a mentally ill family member to being "white trash." It's racist, classist and rude. As long as you continue to see yourself as better than other people, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with this. You are no better and no worse than any other human on this planet. Every human on this planet has some shit to deal with. You got a double helping of shit. Show yoursel some compassion and show other people some compassion.

You clearly have zero clue what it's like for someone to go through this kind of hell. People like you make me fume. Ok Barbie, let's see how you handle yourself when you know what it feels like for us to go through this year after year!