Playdate a must?

[Anonymous]

I keep reading and hearing about playdates and I am sincerely curious: does everyone do playdates for their kids? I have a pretty bad social anxiety and am really introverted - unfortunately as a result, my kids have not had too many playdates (they are 8 and 6). I feel really guilty about it but it really is very hard for me to approach other moms and they usually don't approach me. My kids are also introverted and they rarely talk about wanting playdates. Other kids are not asking for playdates with my kids either. When I mention all this to friends, they almost always tell me that I have to set up playdates for my kids no matter how painful or dreadful. How do other introverted moms do it? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

of course you don't. if neither you nor your kids would enjoy a playdate, why would you subject them to that? they get socialization at school.

[Anonymous]

I am very introverted and feel your pain BUT I go out of my way to set some up. I generally just email the parent (easier for me) and the kid comes over alone, so I don't need to socialize with any parents. I feel like it is really good for my children to develop relationships outside of school (also the teacher recommended it). We also belong to the community pool- that is painful for me! I work hard to get them socializing so I can just read and not have to talk.

[Anonymous]

I hated doing them--in retrospect, I wish I'd never done any. Your kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I don't do them often, but I do them about once a month or every other month. My son does socialize with plenty of kids through activities, but I think there is some value in figuring out how to play with a friend and resolve differences in a less structured environment. I just email the other moms to set it up.

[Anonymous]

I don't bother with them. Kids have enough socialization/play time at school.

[Anonymous]

I think they are useful and fun for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Kids have enough socialization/play time at school.

My kid has a 25 minute recess. He also goes to after care where he does homework and then does organized sports and craft activities arranged by the provider. While he has fun with this, it is not the same as figuring out stuff to do with a friend in free time. I guarantee that I hate organizing play dates, and don't do them all that often, but from time to time, I think there is a benefit.

[Anonymous]

I seldom did playdates for my kids when they were little. My older child didn't want them, and I found them exhausting. My younger child got a little socializing in preschool. Later, she began to ask for playdates, but she doesn't need many (one every couple weeks or so.) They are SO busy with school and music and soccer that they need their down time to themselves. I think if you and your child are introverts, just keep things low-key. Not everyone needs lots of socializing.

Do your kids have cousins? Or do you have good family friends with kids? I think a good substitute for playdates is to have some family friends that you see regularly at least a few times a year over many years. That way your kids do grow up with other kids and can see themselves within a social context, without being overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't bother with them. Kids have enough socialization/play time at school.

+1

I don't get them. Unless kids ask to get together, I wouldn't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep reading and hearing about playdates and I am sincerely curious: does everyone do playdates for their kids? I have a pretty bad social anxiety and am really introverted - unfortunately as a result, my kids have not had too many playdates (they are 8 and 6). I feel really guilty about it but it really is very hard for me to approach other moms and they usually don't approach me. My kids are also introverted and they rarely talk about wanting playdates. Other kids are not asking for playdates with my kids either. When I mention all this to friends, they almost always tell me that I have to set up playdates for my kids no matter how painful or dreadful. How do other introverted moms do it? Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm introverted and so was my oldest (4th grade). I really wanted him not to be like me. Playdates offer a great opportunity to develop social skills outside of school. It also reinforces friendships. My son has a group of 5 close friends now because the parents and I continued to make playdates for the kids. My son is much more confident and outspoken because he has strong friendships at school and that gives him confidence. We also decided to move to a neighborhood with lots of kids so our children would be able to socialize outdoors with other neighbors. It has been an incredible change for my son. I still struggle socially, but it is worth it to see my son grow out of his shell. Shy is ok, but it is just easier for outgoing people to be heard in this world. My son is not going to be the most social in the group, he is not naturally like that. But now he makes himself be heard and he is becoming a leader at school according to his teacher.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I'm not an introvert, but have a sister and some close friends who are.

I agree with the other posters that while play dates aren't critical, they are very helpful in developing your child's ability to negotiate one -on- one friendships and social situations (how to deal with conflict, sharing, etc.). There is a different dimension to friendships that occurs outside of school, camp, aftercare, and other situations where an adult is present at all times. It's really important for kids to figure out how to interact with another kid when there isn't direct supervision.

For the most part, once kids are older than 6 or 7, parents don't have to be involved, except to provide general supervision and snacks. I generally keep one ear out to make sure that things stay on an even keel. You don't need to socialize with the other parents much, although you may find it easier once your kids are interacting (because at least you have them to talk about!).

If your kids are introverted, they will benefit even more from playdates. Try to see if you can do like one or two a month. Or even one every other month.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I don't do them outside of them playing with the neighborhood kids. I would if my kids asked, but so far they haven't.

[Anonymous]

I'm introverted. I did not find this out until my late 20's. As a kid my parents pushed me really hard to be outgoing and I remember crying hysterically in our bathroom "I don't want to go!" "I'm not comfortable there/with them!" about aunts and uncles, close family friends, etc. They always said "It's not about what you want. FAKE IT."

It was very heartless in that context, but I did in fact learn how to fake it as an adult. I channel someone bubbly and perky and outgoing and just do it. And I plan for calm alone time afterwards - I don't plan that I'll bring my kids to a playdate and then stop at the supermarket during rush hour, for example.

I think it IS important for your kids to have playdates. They need to learn to share, compromise, enjoy time with peers, etc. I've found that if I spend enough time with certain people, eventually being with them is NOT draining.

[Anonymous]

just a quick sidebar - what do your kids typically do on playdates? Mine are 9 and 7. My 9 year old, I know what he does (play outside, sports, wii, board games), but my 7 year old always seems at a loss for what to do.