My daughter ALREADY wants to transfer. OMG.

[Anonymous]

Recent conversation between my rising college freshman DD and I. She was debating between two universities, one in super exciting Chicago and the other in a less exciting (but still different than our suburbia) area closer to home. Well, this is what she said:
DD: "I am still a member of the X University Facebook group and these people seem way more fun than the people at the school I'm going to. I think I made the wrong choice."
Me: "You can always transfer after a year."
DD: "I wish I could transfer now. Why did I ever decide against *other university*?"

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with that. Two days after my parents dropped me off at college even before classes began I called my mom and told her "This isn't going to work out. I don't want to stay here."

I made no friends and failed every single class I took, and had to leave at the end of the semester.

If she can figure it out before getting there good for her.

[Anonymous]

I transferred mid-sophomore year. My mom thought I'd do best at a smaller school. It was a commuter school in the middle of no where and most people even if they lived on campus went home for the weekend (I was 8 hours away/1.5 by plane). The transfer was a good decision (she supported me and helped with the applications).

[Anonymous]

Chances are she can still get in to the other school. Has she investigated that?

Does the school she is planning to attend have a summer orientation she can take advantage of? That would give her more info either way.

Maybe consider a gap year before sending her somewhere she doesn't want to go.

[Anonymous]

She's decided she wants to transfer because of a Facebook group???

Oh, honey. Grow up. Oh wait, you're 18.

OP, DCUM is sending you a bottle of wine. You have our sympathies as you embark on this long summer.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is anxious about starting college. Totally normal. Her decision feels very intense and very fragile at the same time. A post on a Facebook page makes it seem like another college is more fun? Disaster!

Your job: Pep talks, calm reasoning. "The kids at College X are looking at YOUR Facebook page and thinking the same thing. You are going to love College Y. You chose it for its drama program/great academics/fabulous sororities/whatever."

Calm her down.

[Anonymous]

Cold feet are normal in this situation. The summer before freshman year alternates between excitement and terror. Buyers remorse is just one manifestation. Listen to her, make vague sympathetic sounds, and indicate transferring always an option later but not now, she made her choice, paid deposit and she is going.

My DD was the same way, after a gap year of traveling the world and working very independently mostly in large cities, the thought of going to a small NEw England school in a rural area was freaking her out, but after about a month there she was ecstatic and has never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Remind her how social media is not an accurate portrayal of real life. That her future best friend may not even be on the page yet. That you can't judge a book by the cover.

[Anonymous]

This is a normal feeling and will pass. In a few months she will never want to leave.

[Anonymous]

Transferring is often the best thing a student can do if s/he finds there's something missing at the school s/he chose. Our son transferred and things worked out great. He loves his new school -- it's just the right place for himi -- and he learned that what might seem like a huge mistake can be fixed. This is not a bad lesson to learn early in life.

I'd encourage your daughter to give her school a fair chance -- be friendly even to the dorky folks from the FB page, get involved in one or two activities, and work hard -- if she decides to transfer, she'll need really good grades. The transfer application process gets started in second semester, so she'll have the first semester to assess. Listen to what she tells you about the school when you visit for families weekend and when she comes home for Thanksgiving and winter break. Trust her to know if it's not the right place for her. After our son transferred, many people told us that they or their children had been unhappy in college and later regretted not transferring. BTW, did you know President Obama transferred (from Occidental to Columbia)? It's not a badge of shame, but of an indication of gaining self-knowledge, the courage to admit a mistake and the optimism needed to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Obviously you should take your daughter's feelings seriously, but I can tell you I went through something similar and it was just anxiety about college. I spent the summer before freshman year CONVINCED that I had made the wrong choice, and that I would hate everyone at my future school (also known for being a bit more studious). I got an insane letter from my soon-to-be roommate, and I cried and fussed about going for weeks, and was constantly after my mom about planning my transfer "back" to the other school. But then I went and it was awesome. My roommate was, in fact, terrible, but the other people I met remain some of my best friends today.

Not saying you should ignore your daughter if she is truly unhappy, but I can totally see myself acting like this, especially if I had the opportunity to nose around on facebook before going. My mom helped by just remaining calm, and reassuring me that if I wanted to transfer after trying it, we would figure out a way to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with that. Two days after my parents dropped me off at college even before classes began I called my mom and told her "This isn't going to work out. I don't want to stay here."

I made no friends and failed every single class I took, and had to leave at the end of the semester.

If she can figure it out before getting there good for her.

Yes, you are a great role model for OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing wrong with that. Two days after my parents dropped me off at college even before classes began I called my mom and told her "This isn't going to work out. I don't want to stay here."

I made no friends and failed every single class I took, and had to leave at the end of the semester.

If she can figure it out before getting there good for her.

So did you end up going to another school? Did you graduate? Get treated for depression?

[Anonymous]

Well, to be fair, I have never heard of a fun school in Chicago. She may well be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chances are she can still get in to the other school. Has she investigated that?

Does the school she is planning to attend have a summer orientation she can take advantage of? That would give her more info either way.

Maybe consider a gap year before sending her somewhere she doesn't want to go.

I'd check out these options. Not a Facebook person myself, but could certainly imagine making a decision based on limited information and subsequently concluding that I had guessed wrong after getting increased exposure to the two alternatives. Unless you think she had really good (and still valid) reasons for the initial choice, I'd encourage her to check out her investigate what she can do now to reverse course.