Helicopter MIL

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a total helicopter. She always has been and it always drove DH crazy (and still does). I really can't stand it and I find myself keeping a distance because it bothers me so much. I would love to have a closer relationship but I just can't stand the constant questions and the observing every single move I make. I find that I just freeze up and I can't be comfortable because I am so annoyed. Or I avoid doing things or being in certain situations around her to avoid it.

Do you have a helicopter MIL? How do you deal with it? I would like to just not let it bother me but that doesn't work, it bothers me. I didn't grow up with a helicopter mom so it is not something I have had to deal with as a child or as an adult from my own mother.

[Anonymous]

I have a helicopter mom (nice MIL ironically) so my advice is set boundaries often an early. The constant questions and observations are maddening and undermining. Set strict limits on the time you spend with her.

Rules to keep in mind:

1. DO NOT RESPOND -- at all -- to the "observations." They are pure provocation. And I mean, do not say a word. So when she says "My goodness Larla, you really love to collect these little figures. You must really, really like them." JUST SMILE. Say absolutely nothing. Yes, it is "unfriendly." But anything you say in response "I have always loved Lalique, I love the color purple" is going to get twisted through her crazy filter or sprung back on you in some way.

2. Find some benign ways to deal with the questioning that says nothing and shuts her down. "What an interesting question!" "We are talking to our pediatrician about that." "We are considering that." "If you say so, Larla." Do not get into a deposition with her, because she will get into a socratic-method style question and answer which leads to the point being, you are wrong!

3. Create specific activities if you have to spend time with her. Do not leave periods of conversation and inactivity. Mealtime, shopping, whatever. And make sure your DH is there.

4. Laugh about it afterward, a lot, with your DH. The two of you MUST see the humor in her behavior. This is essential. After she leaves, decide what the funniest/craziest thing she said was, and repeat it to each other as a kind of code/did you know? moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a helicopter mom (nice MIL ironically) so my advice is set boundaries often an early. The constant questions and observations are maddening and undermining. Set strict limits on the time you spend with her.

Rules to keep in mind:

1. DO NOT RESPOND -- at all -- to the "observations." They are pure provocation. And I mean, do not say a word. So when she says "My goodness Larla, you really love to collect these little figures. You must really, really like them." JUST SMILE. Say absolutely nothing. Yes, it is "unfriendly." But anything you say in response "I have always loved Lalique, I love the color purple" is going to get twisted through her crazy filter or sprung back on you in some way.

2. Find some benign ways to deal with the questioning that says nothing and shuts her down. "What an interesting question!" "We are talking to our pediatrician about that." "We are considering that." "If you say so, Larla." Do not get into a deposition with her, because she will get into a socratic-method style question and answer which leads to the point being, you are wrong!

3. Create specific activities if you have to spend time with her. Do not leave periods of conversation and inactivity. Mealtime, shopping, whatever. And make sure your DH is there.

4. Laugh about it afterward, a lot, with your DH. The two of you MUST see the humor in her behavior. This is essential. After she leaves, decide what the funniest/craziest thing she said was, and repeat it to each other as a kind of code/did you know? moment.

I have a helicopter MIL and this is very similar to how I deal with her, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a helicopter mom (nice MIL ironically) so my advice is set boundaries often an early. The constant questions and observations are maddening and undermining. Set strict limits on the time you spend with her.

Rules to keep in mind:

1. DO NOT RESPOND -- at all -- to the "observations." They are pure provocation. And I mean, do not say a word. So when she says "My goodness Larla, you really love to collect these little figures. You must really, really like them." JUST SMILE. Say absolutely nothing. Yes, it is "unfriendly." But anything you say in response "I have always loved Lalique, I love the color purple" is going to get twisted through her crazy filter or sprung back on you in some way.

2. Find some benign ways to deal with the questioning that says nothing and shuts her down. "What an interesting question!" "We are talking to our pediatrician about that." "We are considering that." "If you say so, Larla." Do not get into a deposition with her, because she will get into a socratic-method style question and answer which leads to the point being, you are wrong!

3. Create specific activities if you have to spend time with her. Do not leave periods of conversation and inactivity. Mealtime, shopping, whatever. And make sure your DH is there.

4. Laugh about it afterward, a lot, with your DH. The two of you MUST see the humor in her behavior. This is essential. After she leaves, decide what the funniest/craziest thing she said was, and repeat it to each other as a kind of code/did you know? moment.

I do all of the above but DH thinks his mother is "easy to deal with" so it is maddening having to play defense on my own. I get questioned about everything in great detail every time I see her. So I limit my interactions to once a year.

[Anonymous]

My late MIL was the worst helicopter you can imagine. She meant well (don't they all!) but had absolutely no sense of boundaries. Growing up, my parents respected my privacy and my choices and it was very hard for me to deal with her intrusiveness. My DH is an only, so there were no siblings to diffuse that barrage.
I could not stand her and neither could most members of my birth family. She also reported everything that went on in our family to her circle of friends and I learned to keep things from her, including my pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a helicopter mom (nice MIL ironically) so my advice is set boundaries often an early. The constant questions and observations are maddening and undermining. Set strict limits on the time you spend with her.

Rules to keep in mind:

1. DO NOT RESPOND -- at all -- to the "observations." They are pure provocation. And I mean, do not say a word. So when she says "My goodness Larla, you really love to collect these little figures. You must really, really like them." JUST SMILE. Say absolutely nothing. Yes, it is "unfriendly." But anything you say in response "I have always loved Lalique, I love the color purple" is going to get twisted through her crazy filter or sprung back on you in some way.

2. Find some benign ways to deal with the questioning that says nothing and shuts her down. "What an interesting question!" "We are talking to our pediatrician about that." "We are considering that." "If you say so, Larla." Do not get into a deposition with her, because she will get into a socratic-method style question and answer which leads to the point being, you are wrong!

3. Create specific activities if you have to spend time with her. Do not leave periods of conversation and inactivity. Mealtime, shopping, whatever. And make sure your DH is there.

4. Laugh about it afterward, a lot, with your DH. The two of you MUST see the humor in her behavior. This is essential. After she leaves, decide what the funniest/craziest thing she said was, and repeat it to each other as a kind of code/did you know? moment.

I do all of the above but DH thinks his mother is "easy to deal with" so it is maddening having to play defense on my own. I get questioned about everything in great detail every time I see her. So I limit my interactions to once a year.

+1

I stopped calling her back, and just jump in when DH calls her to keep it friendly. I stopped paying attention to what DH says she says and just do what I like. It still drives me crazy, but she's backed off - a little, and DH is starting to see the craziness.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It feels so good that I am not alone! I feel guilty about it driving me so crazy but I think it drives most people crazy.

5:58 I have been doing these suggestions already so it is good to know that is what is going to work best and to keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

My own mother tries to be a helicopter. She doesn't understand why both her kids have pushed her away. But when you insist your 25 yr old give you her law school schedule of classes even though said law school is four hours away from your home ... we start to lose respect and just work around you.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a helicopter mother. I am an only child. Growing up, it reached pathological and traumatic proportions, and I had difficulty setting boundaries, particularly as my father was an enabler.

So now the Atlantic ocean is between us, and I get along great with her - by phone! A few days spent in her company is all I can handle before she pushes all my buttons.

And no, she doesn't mean well. She means to assuage her anxieties and desire for control. She also loves me, but most of the time I feel that is of secondary importance.

Anyway, limit contact and information. Be polite and courteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a helicopter mother. I am an only child. Growing up, it reached pathological and traumatic proportions, and I had difficulty setting boundaries, particularly as my father was an enabler.

So now the Atlantic ocean is between us, and I get along great with her - by phone! A few days spent in her company is all I can handle before she pushes all my buttons.

And no, she doesn't mean well. She means to assuage her anxieties and desire for control. She also loves me, but most of the time I feel that is of secondary importance.

Anyway, limit contact and information. Be polite and courteous.

5:58 here. This, I believe, is the key to understanding helicopter MILS/mothers. They are filled with a constant level of anxiety that brings a strong need for control. Thus, the constant questions and observations that are all about directing you/controlling you to a certain path which, if you will only adopt it, will keep you blameless, safe, injury-free, and keep their anxiety under wraps. Of course, their endless anxieties will never be under wraps, and no one is ever going to live a life free from harm and risk.