Feelings hurt about SIL saying no me for brunch

[Anonymous]

My SIL is in town and texted DH about meeting for brunch tomorrow and then said can it just you, no "me". I was excited to see her and am confused why I'm being excluded. I told DH its fine for him to go as I want one of us at least to be able to visit with her. But I think its kinda crappy that I'm not allowed to go. Is it okay to be a little hurt by this or no?

[Anonymous]

I would be. I would tell my husband to go but he probably would be annoyed and decline.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she needs to talk to him about something sensitive? I can understand why you feel hurt, but it's not necessarily about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to talk to him about something sensitive? I can understand why you feel hurt, but it's not necessarily about you.

this.

[Anonymous]

Meh. Maybe she has something personal she wants to talk to him about. Maybe she just wants some one-on-one time with him. It's not like she invited him to a reception without you. She just wants to have lunch with her brother. You shouldn't take it personally unless she gives you some other reason she doesn't like your company.

[Anonymous]

I met with a friend who visited town a few weeks ago sans husband. Sometimes you just want one and one time with people. I wouldn't take it personally, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she needs to talk to him about something sensitive? I can understand why you feel hurt, but it's not necessarily about you.

this.

+1 if he comes back without news she had to share with him then you can be hurt. For now shrug it off!

[Anonymous]

^^^one-on-one

[Anonymous]

Have you ever noticed that all the SIL threads on DCUM are negative? IL troubles persist everywhere.

How about another approach: DH says "yes" to brunch with SIL alone but alone invites her to come back to the house with you and the kids (if you have any).

This is in fact a test. If SIL says "yes," maybe she's happy to see you and is not antagonistic but just needs some private discussion time with a sibling (maybe parent troubles perhaps). If SIL says "no" (whether casually or with overtly hostile undertones), you and DH can reevaluate SIL's role in your relationship -- and her personal problems, if they exist.

Many ILs are overtly hostile to sibling's spouses. Some are merely immature and jealous. Many simply have no sense of social cues. Occasionally, something important actually merits a spouse's attention. This is your opportunity to find out what category SIL has chosen for herself.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is where a bro/sis relationship doesn't get enough support. If two sisters wanted to brunch with no DH's it would be TOTALLY fine and no one would blink an eye. When its a b/s relationship everyone is up in arms.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes siblings just want to be together without the dynamic of another person. DH loves his brother and his husband. But they are always together and the dynamic is just different. One time when his brother came down to visit without his spouse, I bowed out of an activity to give them time together alone. He came back and said how nice it was to have that bonding time with him--to get back to that childhood dynamic. He was very grateful to have that time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is where a bro/sis relationship doesn't get enough support. If two sisters wanted to brunch with no DH's it would be TOTALLY fine and no one would blink an eye. When its a b/s relationship everyone is up in arms.

Agree. OP, I don't understand why you feel that you have to be included in every interaction between the siblings. There have been times I have needed to discuss issues related to family of origin and needed private time with a sibling to do so. There have been times I have needed personal advice or counsel that frankly was no one else's business. There have been times I wanted one on one time with a sibling--no grand issue, nothing against the inlaw, I just wanted to see my sibling. I think you need to ask yourself if you are insecure or if you are controlling. This entire thing seems like a non-issue except in your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is where a bro/sis relationship doesn't get enough support. If two sisters wanted to brunch with no DH's it would be TOTALLY fine and no one would blink an eye. When its a b/s relationship everyone is up in arms.

Agree. OP, I don't understand why you feel that you have to be included in every interaction between the siblings. There have been times I have needed to discuss issues related to family of origin and needed private time with a sibling to do so. There have been times I have needed personal advice or counsel that frankly was no one else's business. There have been times I wanted one on one time with a sibling--no grand issue, nothing against the inlaw, I just wanted to see my sibling. I think you need to ask yourself if you are insecure or if you are controlling. This entire thing seems like a non-issue except in your mind.

Well sad and completely agree. Yes, OP, you can be mildly hurt, but then I hope you realize everything isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is where a bro/sis relationship doesn't get enough support. If two sisters wanted to brunch with no DH's it would be TOTALLY fine and no one would blink an eye. When its a b/s relationship everyone is up in arms.

+1 YES, thank you, PP. What does my SIL think, that I'm going to steal her husband? My brother? Jeez!

I haven't read all the replies yet but I like the one above about "the test." But not sure the situation merits a test, because it's almost 100% certain it has to do with either other siblings, or the parents. And maybe something embarrassing like mom is incontinent or made a pass at the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

A test is ridiculous since I assume all parties are no longer in Jr. High. Your SIL wants to spend time alone either brother. This is not a big deal.