Confusion

[Anonymous]

I feel fine about half the time. I wouldn't say I feel happy, but I laugh when something's funny, get along well with everyone around me, etc. But probably half my life I feel so dead inside that I have the feeling that I wish I was dead. I'd never actually kill myself, but I just constantly have this thought that I wish I was dead. It's getting worse lately. I don't think I'm depressed, I don't think I'm suicidal, I just feel dead inside pretty regularly. I don't hate myself but I don't particularly like myself either. I feel like if I can even find a therapist who would see me (I've tried - not many take my insurance, if they do the first appointment available is like several months away, etc). Usually I snap out of feeling dead inside from something external - something makes me laugh or I see one of my nieces, etc. Any idea what is going on? I've been telling myself not to be such a jerk and to be grateful for everything and just enjoy my life. That approach I guess isn't really working...

[Anonymous]

I didn't complete my thought above - I guess I feel like even if I find a therapist who would see me that he or she wouldn't be able to help anyway, since I literally have no explanation for why I feel like this.

Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same. Many times the dead feeling coincides with ovulation so hormones are at play. But it happens other times, too. I've tried two therapists with no success. No advice, just empathy.

[Anonymous]

You are depressed. Thats what depression feels like. Your first call should be to your regular doctor to have your thyroid checked. Then you should tell him exactly what you wrote here. Hopefully he can refer you to someone in your network or call to get you in sooner.

Oh, and this idea that there's no way anyone can help? Thats classic depression talking and the way it affects your cognition. It becomes very difficult to problem-solve, to see a way out.

Please call your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are depressed. Thats what depression feels like. Your first call should be to your regular doctor to have your thyroid checked. Then you should tell him exactly what you wrote here. Hopefully he can refer you to someone in your network or call to get you in sooner.

Oh, and this idea that there's no way anyone can help? Thats classic depression talking and the way it affects your cognition. It becomes very difficult to problem-solve, to see a way out.

Please call your doctor.

Thank you. I wouldn't have made those connections. It's funny because there was another forum about thyroid deficiency and it sounded a little like me (frequently tired and hair loss - I have really thick hair but notice when I clean that there's tons of it everywhere in the floor). And thanks for the explanation about depression. I believe what you're saying but it's funny because I really don't feel depressed. I just don't feel much of anything.

[Anonymous]

Definitely depressed. I feel the same. I've had a terrible few years and I don't feel sad, I just feel numb and a bit hopeless. Sometimes I think that I would rather not be alive, but I don't wish to end my life.

Stay physically active, eat a clean diet, make a shortlist of things that give you joy (or used to) and indulge yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are depressed. Thats what depression feels like. Your first call should be to your regular doctor to have your thyroid checked. Then you should tell him exactly what you wrote here. Hopefully he can refer you to someone in your network or call to get you in sooner.

Oh, and this idea that there's no way anyone can help? Thats classic depression talking and the way it affects your cognition. It becomes very difficult to problem-solve, to see a way out.

Please call your doctor.

Thank you. I wouldn't have made those connections. It's funny because there was another forum about thyroid deficiency and it sounded a little like me (frequently tired and hair loss - I have really thick hair but notice when I clean that there's tons of it everywhere in the floor). And thanks for the explanation about depression. I believe what you're saying but it's funny because I really don't feel depressed. I just don't feel much of anything.

Numbness or not feeling anything is classic depression -- just another manifestation. You don't have to feel actively sad or hopeless to be depressed. Feeling blank qualifies. Please call your doctor tomorrow, OP. There's so much more to life and you should not have to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the feedback. Can a GP actually treat depression? Can depression be treated with medicine alone? I swear I really don't know if there's anything I could even talk about with a therapist - I just figured maybe a psychiatrist would be the way to go in terms of diagnosis and medicine. And that seemed so overwhelming. It is daunting to think about talking to someone when I don't have much to say. I'd so much rather see a GP. And I realize my initial post wasn't really cohesive at all. What I mean by "confusion" was that it's confusing that I spend a lot of time wishing I was dead yet not feeling suicidal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the feedback. Can a GP actually treat depression? Can depression be treated with medicine alone? I swear I really don't know if there's anything I could even talk about with a therapist - I just figured maybe a psychiatrist would be the way to go in terms of diagnosis and medicine. And that seemed so overwhelming. It is daunting to think about talking to someone when I don't have much to say. I'd so much rather see a GP. And I realize my initial post wasn't really cohesive at all. What I mean by "confusion" was that it's confusing that I spend a lot of time wishing I was dead yet not feeling suicidal.

For a while I was seeing a psychopharmacologist for medication management but not doing therapy (which would have been done with someone else, a LCSW or psychologist). It would be good to do at least a few sessions with a therapist just to see if there's something eating you that you're not aware of.

[Anonymous]

How do you know if you're suicidal? I wouldn't ever kill myself because I don't think I'm brave enough and because I wouldn't want to hurt my family, but I have spent a lot of time thinking of how I'd do it. If you think about death a lot and wish you were dead, but you know you'd never do it, is that a form of depression? Is there any medicine to help for those feelings?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I've lived enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for the feedback. Can a GP actually treat depression? Can depression be treated with medicine alone? I swear I really don't know if there's anything I could even talk about with a therapist - I just figured maybe a psychiatrist would be the way to go in terms of diagnosis and medicine. And that seemed so overwhelming. It is daunting to think about talking to someone when I don't have much to say. I'd so much rather see a GP. And I realize my initial post wasn't really cohesive at all. What I mean by "confusion" was that it's confusing that I spend a lot of time wishing I was dead yet not feeling suicidal.

Medication is highly specialized and you are much better off with a psychiatrist. I'm also not sure you understand what a therapist does with someone who has depression. Its not like "I never got along with my mother and my husband and I are having problems." It can be but in your case I think you desperately need some insight into how depression is affecting you. You need to unpack the hopelessness and the numbness and learn tools for dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know if you're suicidal? I wouldn't ever kill myself because I don't think I'm brave enough and because I wouldn't want to hurt my family, but I have spent a lot of time thinking of how I'd do it. If you think about death a lot and wish you were dead, but you know you'd never do it, is that a form of depression? Is there any medicine to help for those feelings?

YES medication can help that. You really, really need to get some help. There are two things going on here. Your brain is sticking on thoughts of death. Thats another way depression affects cognition. Its called rumination. And you lose awareness of much your thoughts are controlling you instead of the other way around. And I think you already know that wishing you were dead is not normal. Please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I've lived enough.

But you haven't. Please get help, your future self will thank you.

[Anonymous]

When I was depressed, I never felt sad. I did feel tired and blank. I could laugh when I was with friends or watching something on TV. But the joy never went into my soul. It was just an surface feeling.

Please a a therapist and a medical doctor. You may not need a therapist, but you don't know until you've gone to a few sessions. If the therapist thinks the depression is just brain chemical, then you can stop.

As for meds. Many people just see their GP. And try an initial drug they recommend. But for most people, the first drug doesn't work. If that happens to you, please see a professional like a psychiatrist that understand psych drugs better.

I would also read Dr Daniel Amen's book on depression. It can point you to the best drugs to use based on your symptoms.