Anything I can do about mom's inappropriate behavior?

[Anonymous]

My sister is getting married this summer, and it is really brining out a lot of anger that I have towards my mom. My mom is a very attention-seeking person, and always manages to make every family event about her - by starting a fight, acting crazy, or just endlessly talking about herself. For example, last year, at my dad's mother's funeral, she was crying hysterically and throwing herself on the ground in grief when they were not even close at all. At my sister's wedding shower, she trapped two of my sister's friends and talked nonstop for 30 minutes about a time that she tried pot in high school. She stormed out of my wedding reception for 30 minutes because she was upset about a choice that the florist made. The thing is, my mom has some good qualities as well. She is kind to my daughters, and tries to be nice and helpful to me in smaller settings. We are not super close, we get along fine one-on-one. I just HATE this behavior and am angry that there can never be a family event focused on someone else. Do I just need to forget about it and let my sister deal with it and try to ignore her behavior? Is there anything I can say or do to control it or make it better?

[Anonymous]

Ask your sister if she has any concerns about your mom in relation to her wedding. Be open about your experiences, if you have that sort of relationship. If sis does have concerns, then address that with her and come up with some type of plan. Recruit your other like-minded family members (you probably know who they are already) to help you with the plan.

Off the top of my head, plans could be:
1) Ignore mom. She will realize no one cares about her acting out and either A) stop, or B) act out more. If she is likely to do option B, then move on to plan 2...
2) Directly confront your mom when she acts out.

If you mother's behavior directly affects you, DO NOT IGNORE IT. Do whatever has been effective for you in the past (and if nothing has, try a new approach) to get her to stop or leave you alone.

[Anonymous]

Ask your sister if she has any concerns about your mom in relation to her wedding. Be open about your experiences, if you have that sort of relationship. If sis does have concerns, then address that with her and come up with some type of plan. Recruit your other like-minded family members (you probably know who they are already) to help you with the plan.

Thank you. My sister does have concerns, but she is a very shy and passive person, so she feels she has no choice but to accept the behavior. I appreciate your suggestion about recruiting like-minded family members. I will speak to my aunts.

[Anonymous]

Do you have anyone that can run interference? For example, I have an aunt that does not tolerate stuff like this, and is able to shut it down quickly without a scene being made. Perhaps a family member or friend that can help.

Also, is there any way that you can head mom off and give her some of the attention she craves but on your sister's terms? Can you have her treated EXTRA special behind the scenes? So if your sister is getting her hair done/makeup/etc, make sure to include mom and let the hair/makeup folks know that she needs a bit of extra attention. Maybe get your mom a special corsage/bouquet/whatever for the wedding. Can your sister give an extra special thanks at the rehearsal dinner, listing some of your mom's good qualities? Have people FAWN all over her as the mother of the bride so that she doesn't feel the need to find some attention and create a scene, you know? If you can give her enough attention to make her feel good, she may not feel the need to create a scene.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she would agree to take a sedative for the event.

[Anonymous]

best to ignore attention seekers. She storms out, don't follow. She wails and thrashes, talk to someone else about the weather. Deprive her of the reactions she is looking for.

[Anonymous]

Your sister can mitigate this issue by giving her mother a role that it will not matter if your mother completely screws up. Let it be symbolic and somewhat sentimental, so she feels important, but if she forgets, or storms out, or refuses to cooperate the day of because something offended her sensibilities - the ceremony can go forward and no one is counting on her to deliver on the commitment.

And then emotionally detach. Your sister should stay focused on her groom and their marriage that day. You should focus on whatever role you've been given. Be upbeat and happy. Don't complain. If your mom gets upset, just focus on your task. Don't engage. Tantrums, attention seeking behaviors, drama - they all require an audience and some one to care. Don't be that audience. Don't care. Your mom is welcome to celebrate in her daughter's wedding. If she chooses to sulk through out it, that's her choice and you won't join her.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your Dad about this behavior? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:best to ignore attention seekers. She storms out, don't follow. She wails and thrashes, talk to someone else about the weather. Deprive her of the reactions she is looking for.

exactly, you are allowing her to be the focus. Ignore her, even easier when she storms out & leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I just need to forget about it and let my sister deal with it and try to ignore her behavior?

As a pp said, it might be necessary for someone to run interference. If there's no one else to do it, than you may need to take the task on for the sake of your sister.

[Anonymous]

My sister is a very passive person too and I've learned not to fight her battles. It just makes me fume and she doesn't learn the life skill of stepping up.

Ask your sister either to deal with it herself or for her to not share the details with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I just need to forget about it and let my sister deal with it and try to ignore her behavior?

As a pp said, it might be necessary for someone to run interference. If there's no one else to do it, than you may need to take the task on for the sake of your sister.

I wish mine had run interference for me at my wedding. Instead I heard all the outrage after the fact. "yeah, that was terrible! I didn't talk to her afterwards I was so mad for you!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she would agree to take a sedative for the event.

Whether she knows about it or not!

[Anonymous]

I'm a younger sibling, and the more outspoken one. My dad exhibited some behavior when my sister had kids that drove my sister and I crazy. My sister let it roll of her back, but when I was pregnant I expressed concern to her that dad's behavior would cause problems if it happened around my kids. She stepped up, talked to him, and I can see he makes a huge effort to be better about things. Her talking to him made a huge difference.

If your sister would like you to run interference, do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister can mitigate this issue by giving her mother a role that it will not matter if your mother completely screws up. Let it be symbolic and somewhat sentimental, so she feels important, but if she forgets, or storms out, or refuses to cooperate the day of because something offended her sensibilities - the ceremony can go forward and no one is counting on her to deliver on the commitment.

And then emotionally detach. Your sister should stay focused on her groom and their marriage that day. You should focus on whatever role you've been given. Be upbeat and happy. Don't complain. If your mom gets upset, just focus on your task. Don't engage. Tantrums, attention seeking behaviors, drama - they all require an audience and some one to care. Don't be that audience. Don't care. Your mom is welcome to celebrate in her daughter's wedding. If she chooses to sulk through out it, that's her choice and you won't join her.

My thoughts exactly. You said it so well, PP! One tactic I used with my parent who was like this, as a distraction, was to invite them to reminisce and talk about themselves. Keep that up your sleeve in case you need it at the reception and consider it an extra wedding present for your sister.