Anything I can do about mom's inappropriate behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I just need to forget about it and let my sister deal with it and try to ignore her behavior?

As a pp said, it might be necessary for someone to run interference. If there's no one else to do it, than you may need to take the task on for the sake of your sister.

I wish mine had run interference for me at my wedding. Instead I heard all the outrage after the fact. "yeah, that was terrible! I didn't talk to her afterwards I was so mad for you!"

I'm the first PP who said to find like-minded family to run interference. I wish my sister would have too, but she was almost MORE interfering than my mother! She didn't like the shoes I chose, she demanded that I choose a cheap dress that would fit her price range, she went dress shopping with me and could not have been LESS interested in the fact that she pressured me to pick the first dress I saw because it was on sale--even though I didn't fill it out and it wasn't the dress of my dreams and even DH admitted a few years later that he didn't really like it for similar reasons. Oh, and even though we went on a federal holiday, she still wanted to go to some work lunch that her co-workers planned that day, so she cut it short and dropped me off at a Metro station so I could drag my dress all over town instead of driving me home so that she could make it to some monthly event that she does with her colleagues. That should've been my first sign that she wasn't going to be a good MOH.

So, OP, I am giving you advice based on my experience. It's a good thing that you, as a sister, actually see you mother's actions as problems and not "poor mom, sister-getting-married doesn't appreciate her." I did not have that and, well, since then I have become more assertive and distanced myself from my crazy sister, who is actually worse than my mom.

[Anonymous]

It's never too late to set limits with inappropriate parents, especially if you have children who may model their example. Don't wait for your sister's wedding, and don't expect miracles.

Have a private conversation with your mother about her behavior socially and generally. State gently but firmly that you will not tolerate her rudeness and acting out around you any more. When she acts obnoxiously, you will walk away and not talk to her. Then do it. Follow through and see if she changes. She might not change. She in all probability may double down on bad behavior and get worse. At least, by backing off you'll get a break from her and she won't teach your kids (if any) to defy you this way.

Your sister needs to have a separate conversation with your mother, too, just in case she's so thick (likely) that she tells herself that only you are unhappy with you.

She needs to do that in a separate conversation as soon as possible, so that when your mother inevitably acts out (preferably at a non-wedding event), she can feel the consequences.

Honestly, if your mother is older, perhaps even a senior citizen, chances of change are very small, but it's always good to try.

It's good for your autonomy and future relationship, even if it doesn't work because you will have stood your ground.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's never too late to set limits with inappropriate parents, especially if you have children who may model their example. Don't wait for your sister's wedding, and don't expect miracles.

Have a private conversation with your mother about her behavior socially and generally. State gently but firmly that you will not tolerate her rudeness and acting out around you any more. When she acts obnoxiously, you will walk away and not talk to her. Then do it. Follow through and see if she changes. She might not change. She in all probability may double down on bad behavior and get worse. At least, by backing off you'll get a break from her and she won't teach your kids (if any) to defy you this way.

Your sister needs to have a separate conversation with your mother, too, just in case she's so thick (likely) that she tells herself that only you are unhappy with you.

She needs to do that in a separate conversation as soon as possible, so that when your mother inevitably acts out (preferably at a non-wedding event), she can feel the consequences.

Honestly, if your mother is older, perhaps even a senior citizen, chances of change are very small, but it's always good to try.

It's good for your autonomy and future relationship, even if it doesn't work because you will have stood your ground.

Good luck.

sorry: that only you are unhappy with her; it's guaranteed that she'll be unhappy with you because she won't want to change

[Anonymous]

I would 100% ignore it all. Act like it's not even happening. She feeds off the attention she gets for being dramatic. Stop giving her attention for it.

Then, like she's a toddler, praise her for good behavior.

Good luck. She sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Your mom might be a narcissist. Regular tactics won't work because she will not mind ruining your sister's day. Do not ignore her. Have someone assigned to distract and fawn all over her. Give her that non essential job. Be that person for your sister if needed. Don't talk to her about her behavior in advance because then she will gear up for a power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Now that you are on top of it, I think you will be able to handle her pretty easily. Just make sure you have a few zingers in your back pocket. Like "Mom, what are you doing? You are embarassing me?" What is great about saying something like that, is that it immediately says, you are not fooling anyone, we are onto your behavior. You are totally outing her when you say something like that. Is she persists, laugh at her and say, "Now you are just embarassing yourself." Going forward, take some personal joy in excluding her from everything!