Expectation of sex

[Anonymous]

Just venting.

I am finding that as soon as having sex becomes less spontaneous and more expected, it ruins the mood for me. It makes me feel like all I'm good for is my body.

What's up with that? I suspect its linked to how my ExH treated me, but its frustrating.

I suppose awareness is good. But I want to move past it so I don't ruin the relationship I'm currently am in. Hmmmmmm........

[Anonymous]

I expect sex. Just like expect companionship and empathy. Why wouldn't someone in a relationship expect sex?

I wonder what you meant by the comment about XH? Is this more about feeling treated poorly as a person and less about sex (which is completely valid, of course). My point is to know what the core issue is and not to focus on a symptom.

[Anonymous]

We had sex every Saturday morning or it would be a fight. Oh how I hated Saturday mornings. Now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Have sex with your husband or you will end up divorced. Hate the game, not the player.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have sex with your husband or you will end up divorced. Hate the game, not the player.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's the sex that's the problem. It's how you perceive being treated overall in the relationship. If things are good overall, I don't think the sex problem comes into play. It's when you start to feel like that is all you are good for that it becomes a weird dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I feel like that too. Except instead of sex, it's money. In the beginning, any financial generosity I showed was spontaneous and appreciated. Now, we have a joint bank account, all my money goes there, and she takes for granted that she can spend it.

Maybe we could put our bodies in a joint account for sex?

[Anonymous]

Ah yes my exH treated me like dirt and expected sex. I had no attraction to him plus he wasn't around a lot to help with our small child. Low and behold the dickwad would way until I was asleep to pull a fast one. Zero communication plus being treated like dirt = no sex. Go figure.

I don't know. The guy I am dating says sex is a barimeter if a relationship and it should always be there. I say, in no way is it my duty to put out if I'm treated badly or shit, the person can't communicate with me.

I think the mention if "expectation" hit a nerve in me- a trigger from my ex. Add in the next day we got in our first argument. I stood my ground and we talked about it, which was good (which never ever happened with my ex). I'm learning to not hold a grudge and to get over the argument but deep down in me I'm still a bit triggered. Humph!

Awareness is good though. I'll work it out. Took me a long ass time to find a decent dude in dc so I will actively work to get pass this

Thanks y'all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I say, in no way is it my duty to put out if I'm treated badly or shit, the person can't communicate with me.

This isn't false. But, the problem is that thinking of it in these terms makes me resentful because I treat my wife well and still am not getting laid. I know there are plenty of people who treat their significant others worse than me and get laid more. Life isn't fair, but I don't have to like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes my exH treated me like dirt and expected sex. I had no attraction to him plus he wasn't around a lot to help with our small child. Low and behold the dickwad would way until I was asleep to pull a fast one. Zero communication plus being treated like dirt = no sex. Go figure.

I don't know. The guy I am dating says sex is a barimeter if a relationship and it should always be there. I say, in no way is it my duty to put out if I'm treated badly or shit, the person can't communicate with me.

I think the mention if "expectation" hit a nerve in me- a trigger from my ex. Add in the next day we got in our first argument. I stood my ground and we talked about it, which was good (which never ever happened with my ex). I'm learning to not hold a grudge and to get over the argument but deep down in me I'm still a bit triggered. Humph!

Awareness is good though. I'll work it out. Took me a long ass time to find a decent dude in dc so I will actively work to get pass this

Thanks y'all!

What do you mean he would wait until you were asleep and pull a fast one?

[Anonymous]

I've found that being grateful for my guy has a huge impact on my libido. I send him texts about how I'm grateful for a small, specific thing. It honestly helps keep my attitude in the right place. I have a long history of holding grudges. It's toxic. My guy is a great, and I don't want to resent him.

[Anonymous]

I think its an issue when sex becomes some kind of currency. In a good relationship, both people should want that intimacy. So the guy who thought sex was a barometer--yes, its true. Its a barometer of whether you're on the same page about sex, its value in a relationship.

and as for finding the "expectation" a turn off: I would only do so if that expectation meant there was no effort put into sex. But to me, its sort of like cooking and eating dinner together. If my husband started acting annoyed because I 'expected' him to be home for dinner (within reason), to sit and chat with me, then I would think he was changing the terms of our relationship and that the intimacy and companionship I expect out of a marriage--someone who wants to have dinner together and talk about our day--was not being fulfilled. Same goes for sex.. Sex and dinner--both demonstrate consistency and desire and willingness to share in something that builds and maintains intimacy and connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have sex with your husband or you will end up divorced. Hate the game, not the player.

+1

The player sets the rules for the game, doesn't he?

[Anonymous]

Grateful texts - great idea!!!! I will def try that.

I agree - I feel like sex in my marriage was used as currency - I'm just so glad I'm out.

The fast one? He'd pull off my underwear hold my dick to my vagina and jack off. Just gross. Literally I only was a body to get off on. He saw the rest of me as completely worthless. Worthlessness doesn't make me feel hot or sexy. But I learned a lot. 10 bucks he pulls that crap with his girlfriend. Just a matter of time......

[Anonymous]

Oops! His dick, not mine. )