Helping care for family from afar

[Anonymous]

If you live far from family that you want to help care for, how do you do it?
If you are the nearby relative who resents siblings for living far away and not helping with aging family, what would you like them to do differently?

I live 6 hours from family. Everyone else is withing a few miles of each other and does a lot to chip in to help with aging parents and grandparents. I feel horribly guilty for not being able to do more. I try to do little things like sending the grandparents extra pics of the kids and things that I know brighten their day. For the caregivers I on rare occasion send a gift cert for a restaurant or something so they can unwind, for big birthdays I try to send flowers etc. Money is tight so I don't do these things as often as I would like. I'm the baby of the family so I have the youngest kids and the tightest budget. We visit fairly often, but that's still tough to do and doesn't make up for the day to day grind they're all doing together.

We have a tight knit family, and most would never ever move out of the area, but in our case DC is where the jobs are and we needed to make that difficult decision. Is there anything I can do to ease the burden of the siblings and cousins or any other way to let them know I appreciate what they're doing and didn't purposely ditch them? They haven't expressed any issues with me, but I feel guilty and far away.

[Anonymous]

Inexpensive things: Send two or three cards, letter, postcards every week. You don't have to say much, just what happened in your day, the weather, how your garden is growing... My Dad loves to get mail. Plus Facetime or Skype several times a week with your children. When you are there, cook and freeze several meals for them.

[Anonymous]

My coworker goes out there for a week every quarter. Her family is in California, so she can help her mom for the entire morning, then log onto work and work remotely for half the day, and then go back to taking care of her mom in the evening.

It gives the relatives shouldering the lion's share a big break.

[Anonymous]

My dad's in a nursing home. He receives full time, round the clock care. My mom, on the other hand, is living alone at their house and spends her days at my dad's bedside. Guess who needs more care and attention? My mom.

She expects/wants/needs a daily phone call from one of her children. Really. She gets annoyed and angry if she has to call me and I'm local with a young family. My local brother has become her full time handyman, financial advisor and frequent overnight guest at her home. He's also the parent of a young family, so part of our issue is managing her expectations - she wants to stay in her house, live independently but everyone has to drop everything to help her.

[Anonymous]

If there are services that you can arrange and pay for, like lawn care, housecleaning, etc., do that. Even if it's just a few times a year, it gives them a break. When you do visit, find out ahead of time what projects need to be done and do them. If there aren't any, then take over some of the regular chores. Personally, I'd save the money you spend on flowers and restaurants and send them gift cards to use to pay for your parent's groceries or other expenses.

[Anonymous]

9:41 and I fear I sound heartless. It's just that I was shocked to see this dynamic at play and it's quite a strain - on my own family, my marriage and I know it is the same for my brother. We've painted ourselves in a corner where my mom just is super needy and demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inexpensive things: Send two or three cards, letter, postcards every week. You don't have to say much, just what happened in your day, the weather, how your garden is growing... My Dad loves to get mail. Plus Facetime or Skype several times a week with your children. When you are there, cook and freeze several meals for them.

Yes. Or send emails, if the older relatives can read it (or if someone can read the emails to them). Also, there are things that can be done from a distance -- financial management, taxes, dealing with bills, etc. You could have an older relative's mail all sent to you (if the older person is no longer able/willing to deal with it) and handle it. Seniors get so many scam mailings and junk mail; they can get confused by mail and not be able to distinguish a real bill that must be paid from some scam or solicitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:41 and I fear I sound heartless. It's just that I was shocked to see this dynamic at play and it's quite a strain - on my own family, my marriage and I know it is the same for my brother. We've painted ourselves in a corner where my mom just is super needy and demanding.

You sound like the husband of the poster who started the MIL moving 5 min away thread. He and his siblings have created a needy demanding monster, also.

[Anonymous]

Send what you can. DO NOT complain about anything that anyone else is doing, unless it is causing actual harm. If you can spare a week or two per year to give close folks a break, do that. If you can come up quarterly and help clean/declutter, etc, do that.

[Anonymous]

OP - If money is tight then I would see if "just you" could go out once or twice a year not to visit - but to cover the care demands of one aspect of either your parents or the grandparents and give the person(s) who do the most direct caring a break. And this might mean a couple of really long days or stepping in to do some heavy jobs like a heavy house or apartment cleaning, shopping and cooking and freezing some meals ahead of time. Or if one is in a nursing home, giving the spouse a couple of days off. With a young family, the elders really do not need to see the kids as much as you on at least one visit, and the best thing you can do for your siblings is to give them a break and make the offer to come if there was a special event in their lives they would like to be able to focus on such as a graduation, wedding, new baby etc.

My folks just got into a lovely lifecare setting, but even with five siblings in the immediate area, it does take work to see that all goes smoothly. I am planning to come out every six months for several days even if just to be a visitor there and sitter so my Dad could go out for an extra round of golf etc. Basically, you do what you can do, but do take time to see what a cheap flight might be to get home rather than doing meals and flowers. Cards, letters and photos as well as phone calls are appreciated and do not cost much money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you live far from family that you want to help care for, how do you do it?
If you are the nearby relative who resents siblings for living far away and not helping with aging family, what would you like them to do differently?

I live 6 hours from family. Everyone else is withing a few miles of each other and does a lot to chip in to help with aging parents and grandparents. I feel horribly guilty for not being able to do more. I try to do little things like sending the grandparents extra pics of the kids and things that I know brighten their day. For the caregivers I on rare occasion send a gift cert for a restaurant or something so they can unwind, for big birthdays I try to send flowers etc. Money is tight so I don't do these things as often as I would like. I'm the baby of the family so I have the youngest kids and the tightest budget. We visit fairly often, but that's still tough to do and doesn't make up for the day to day grind they're all doing together.

We have a tight knit family, and most would never ever move out of the area, but in our case DC is where the jobs are and we needed to make that difficult decision. Is there anything I can do to ease the burden of the siblings and cousins or any other way to let them know I appreciate what they're doing and didn't purposely ditch them? They haven't expressed any issues with me, but I feel guilty and far away.

Since you asked, here are my thoughts.

1) Don't underestimate how hard it is to be constantly "on call". You can never really make plans for fear of something coming up. Try to respond to emergencies when you can, even if it is hard, just so every emergency does not fall on the local family.

2) The pictures are great. The flowers, I dunno, it seems like a lot of money and unless the person really, really enjoys flowers, I'm not sure if it's worth it.

3) Own your decision to move away. Sounds like you are doing that pretty well already in acknowledging that it was a choice, OP. One of my siblings always says he's doing the most he "can", but he doesn't acknowledge that what he "can" do is the direct result of his choice to move away and to take a non-family-friendly job. He isn't the most foresighted person, I guess. Remember that others may have made career sacrifices to stay local, and are now making further career sacrifices to be caregivers. The needs of your career are not necessarily a trump card.

4) Respect their decisions. If you're not seeing the day-to-day, you may not understand why they are doing what they are doing. But there is probably a reason. On the other hand, sometimes a person from away can provide a fresh perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad's in a nursing home. He receives full time, round the clock care. My mom, on the other hand, is living alone at their house and spends her days at my dad's bedside. Guess who needs more care and attention? My mom.

She expects/wants/needs a daily phone call from one of her children. Really. She gets annoyed and angry if she has to call me and I'm local with a young family. My local brother has become her full time handyman, financial advisor and frequent overnight guest at her home. He's also the parent of a young family, so part of our issue is managing her expectations - she wants to stay in her house, live independently but everyone has to drop everything to help her.

I don't think daily contact is bad when it is shared. Really. What you describe sounds more like regular family to me.

[Anonymous]

You have to hope that those who live close will be honest and communicate how you could help, and not just complain.

This is more a personality issue than one of distance.

[Anonymous]

When you plan to visit - allow your sibling lots of notice and suggest that, as much as you'd like to see them - it might be a good time for them to leave town on their own vacation. Or ask them - "anytime you want to get away. Let me know, and I'll arrange my visit for that time to look after Mom/Dad"

That is, if "being on call" is stressful for them.

[Anonymous]

In my case, I was the kid who lived 2000 miles away. After my mom passed away, I took on the emotional support role for my dad and, after he was diagnosed with Early onset Alzheimer's a few years later, I coordinated the clinical trials and much of the doctors care. He made me medical power of attorney and gave all the medical providers and insurance authorization to talk to me so I could deal with much of that. Of course, when there was a crisis (e.g. Detached retina and he forgot to hold his head in place so it redetached), I had to wait for the next plane ride, but I was there the next day until we could get a caregiver in to watch him. My sibling who was local handled much of the day to day logistics, all the financial issues and house care things. When he eventually had to move into assisted living, we both toured and chose the facility.

We had to put aside old resements and issues to work together as a team. It wasn't seamless, but we became much closer and remain that way today. It sucks being far away, but really it sucks being close by as well. The best advice I can give is to talk honestly with your sibs about what role you CAN play given your location and be prepared to revisit it as situations change.