How to get out from family obligations

[Anonymous]

After many, many years of marriage I can finally say "I can't stand DH family." They are not nasty, we just never clicked. They adore our kids, but I don't like going there, I hate making polite conversation with people I could care less about. And please don't start, "but they are your children's grandparents!" I know all that, I would never stop my children from seeing their grandparents. DH knows about this, he's slightly offended, he thought I was in love with ILs (haha!). Our annual 4th of July trip is up and I'd rather hole up with a book here in DC than spend one minute with them. How can I get out of it?

[Anonymous]

It's important to do things for the people you love, even if you don't love the "things."

How often do you (or DH) and his family get together? You don't have to go every time, or every occasion.

But since they seem like pretty decent people that you just don't want to BFF with, you really ought to try. Maybe 50% of the time, or so. More importantly - if you say you're going to go/be somewhere, then honor that. Even if you show up 1/4 of the time, but those are the times where you say you'll be someplace, that'll count for a lot.

How often do you get together with your family? What are the expectations of your DH going to see HIS in-laws? Can you guys strike some kind of balance or "deal?"

[Anonymous]

Set a good example for your kids so they might visit you when they are married.

Also, this is part of being married. Price of admission. You are a couple.

[Anonymous]

I think family can still be family even if you aren't naturally friends - my sister & I have this. We're there for each other when we need each other, but our personalities don't naturally click and that's fine.

Show up for an annual function - whether it's the 4th of July trip or Christmas, but skip out on the rest and send your well wishes while your kids & husband head off without you. If your ILs ever need help, be there to help, like you would for any other family. But there's no need to pretend that you're BFFs with the ILs. Keep it pleasant and light hearted. Be there when family needs you. That's really the key to getting along with ILs anyway - be helpful, handover the grandkids often, and otherwise be scarce.

[Anonymous]

They're not nasty, they adore your kids, and they include you in activities.

It's not them. It's you. Go ahead and stay home because they likely won't miss you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're not nasty, they adore your kids, and they include you in activities.

It's not them. It's you. Go ahead and stay home because they likely won't miss you.

I think I'm inclined to agree with this, and pretty much all the above. It's important to do things for the people you love (ie, DH), and think about how you would like to be treated by your kids ILs one day. Set a good precedent. Your ILs don't appear to be the problem.

[Anonymous]

I'd look at the year - if you're seeing them on other occasions than I would be happy to skip 4th of July and let them have DH and grandkid time.

If you're not seeing them at all then this will probably cause more trouble than you think.

[Anonymous]

For the most part, I get along well with my in-laws, but every now and then I've had it up to there with a family that thinks significantly differently than I or my family do. Typically in a week with my in-laws, I usually have to find a day or a few hours to go off by myself and chill. Some weeks, I've brought my laptop and have had to take my laptop to Starbucks so that I can get on the public WiFi and "work for a few hours to resolve a few things". The last vacation, we scheduled a day to drive to another town about 2 hours away to visit with one of my college friends. That time, my wife knew that the kids and I needed a break from the family, so the four of us all took a day off to go and visit that friend, have lunch and stop somewhere on the way back for the kids for afternoon. After about 6 hours away, I was able to calmly finish out the week.

[Anonymous]

They are not toxic, don't belittle or berate you, don't stuff your kids' heads with lunacy (look all over DCUM for what constitutes toxic family and you'll find how fortunate you really are). Choose one or two visits each year that husband and kids will make alone, and go on the rest, with an agreement with your husband that you will get some alone time, and you, he and the kids will get some time with just your immediate family, doing something as a family without the in-laws.

We've done that for years. We always build in a few days for just husband, child and me at the start or end of our two-to-three-week trips to see his family in another country. it does help, as does staying in our own rental flat for that time. (If you are staying WITH his family, see if that can change and you can stay in a hotel at least on some trips -- it does make a difference to be able to go "home" to your own place at night, or bow out of an afternoon's visiting and go back to your own space.) If your visits are short so there is no chance to build in time for just you and your family, at least stay in your own space some of the time. I love my in-laws but still know it's healthy to have that space when visiting.

Meanwhile, if they are, as you put it, "not nasty," maybe they at least have some positives you can focus on here? At the least, can you look on visits as being there for your husband, not for them? It's really much more about supporting him than about having to click with them.

Also, you don't have to make small talk if you can find something to DO together with them. Then you, and they, are focused on the activity and not on trying to chit-chat.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same way about my ILs - except they were local. After a while, I began picking and choosing when I spent time with them. There were, of course, claims that I didn't like them, what had they done to offend me, etc. But, I had precious little time to myself and I didn't want to spend more than I had to with them. I never prevented DH or the kids from seeing them - and actually encouraged it because it left me alone in the house! Eventually, they got used to it and the complaints stopped. My advice is to do the same - pick and choose the times you spend with them.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice. But I can say I feel for you. What I do is suck it up, smile, nod, and be thankful when it's over.

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't offer enough information regarding the logistics. How far to travel? How many nights away from home? You should "show" for some of it, or rarely miss it (once every few years, maybe)

However, by saying "all" of DH's family, I think the problem is you.

[Anonymous]

Say you don't want to go.

But be prepared for the fact that they will be hurt and disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your future daughter-in-law won't like you. And your future grandchildren, won't travel to see you ...

Karma's a b*tch.

I'd work on being a better person is this world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're not nasty, they adore your kids, and they include you in activities.

It's not them. It's you. Go ahead and stay home because they likely won't miss you.

OP, voice of experience here. Your ILs are 3/3. Mine are 1/3, on a great day. The annual vacation is referred to as the week from hell (or "WFH", see prior sentence). Every year, I agonize over pleasing my DH. DH knows I love him, no matter what. But I tell you, if I do *not* attend "WFH", DH loves me even more; and wonders how he ended up with someone so opposite this clannish clan of ingrates. So, it is a win/win really. Even the kids hate it.

In your case, with a loving, warm supportive set of ILs? All I have to say is, will they adopt DH and me and our DC? Because our DC are greatly missing a decent local family. We have made our own, and they know they are loved, but they really genuinely feel "WHY???" each time about this year. If I were you, I would go. Just some perspective.