Debbie downer DD drives me up a wall...

[Anonymous]

Hey everybody!!
My relationship with my now 35 year old DD has always been a struggle. We are quite different in so many ways and you know, sometimes I just flat out dislike her. She reminds my DH and I of his mother...she looks like her and is a downer just like her. I take pride in the fact that I am always upbeat...my own siblings tease me that Im a Pollyanna...which in a some ways I guess I am...I just dont see the point in getting upset about too much when theres so many fun things to enjoy...gardening, playing with the grandkids, helping out my family whenever I can. DD is quite the opposite of me. Shes a therapist/social worker and so shes really in to the whole look at the grim side of life thing...

Anyways, latest scuffle was that she texted me that she and her husband bought a piano and she was excited about it. In jest, I texted back "who's it for? The kids? Does DH have musical talent on his side of the family because it sure aint on ours!!!"

She texted back "you know, a simple its beautiful, look forward to seeing it would have sufficed..."

I told her I was just kidding and that I wish I had taken piano lessons when I was a kid and that I would love it if one of my grandkids played piano"

For those of you with upbeat sunshiny dispositions who have offspring that are kind of well...a drag, do you ever just feel like giving up? I wish DD would just stop being such a stick in the mud and lighten up..life is too short...

Vent over..

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you should focus on the positive qualities your daughter does have instead of all the things you don't like about her. That's what a real Pollyanna would do.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she has unresolved issues with you. Is it possible that your cheeriness has overlooked her own needs over the years? It wouldn't hurt to validate that she has a different, equally legitimate personality type.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

[Anonymous]

Or you could also try listening to what SHE needs from you. I like to joke around with my kids, I think it's fun. But I can tell when it's not the time to joke. And if I ended up with a serious kid and knew she was like that for 35 years, I wouldn't joke as much with her as I did with others.

Maybe this is a good time to sit down with her and ask her what she wants to hear from her mom. Even if you can't give it all to her, you can try to meet her part way. I bet your relationship would improve.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but you sound completely self-centered and just plain mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you should focus on the positive qualities your daughter does have instead of all the things you don't like about her. That's what a real Pollyanna would do.

This. I am pretty happy all if the time as well and this would have hurt my feelings pretty bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

ITA. OP is delusional. I feel bad for her DD.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I was thinking that OP is actually the daughter who received the text from her mom but anyway...

The mom in this case sucks. I grew up with a sister like that who turned into that kind of mom. Watching from the outside is horrible and her kids pretty much are like her - insecure and low self-esteem with severe anxiety issues.the constant " I am just joking!" Is annoying and just wears people down because it is very negative and pessimistic.

[Anonymous]

Ah, the passive aggressive Cheerist. Needling their nastiness through the land, and always ready with an innocent, wide eyed "but I was joking!" Qualifications when someone calls them on it.

OP, you were purposefully nasty to your daughter and you know it. I'm going to assume this is a long standing pattern of communication with your daughter. You maybe need to be a little bit more honest with yourself about how much of a Pollyanna You really are, but I suspect you aren't at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

+1. OP, you were the downer in this situation. Actually, you were just mean. My strong guess is you think you are upbeat and happy but you've probably been lobbing mean barbs like this at your daughter her whole life. I'm sure it is clear that you don't like her. Poor thing.

[Anonymous]

Your text message caused the problem. Can the sarcasm, moving forward.

[Anonymous]

sarcasm does not come through in texts. If you want her to be happy, encourage her when she is happy. Don't snark her in texts.

This one is on you to apologize. Go over there when you have a chance and admire the piano.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want an authentic and real and loving relationship with your daughter -- not a perfect relationship, but a real and authentic relationship -- it's time to leave aside the roles you have assigned both her and yourself, Debbie Downer and Pollyanna. Neither one of you fits these roles. I suspect you never did.

You have described some genuinely troubling details of your relationship -- the fact that she reminds you of your mother in law physically and emotionally is sad. The fact that you feel that flat out dislike her is very troubling.

You need to meet people halfway. Own your own behavior. Stop hiding behind jokes, reputations, and stereotypes. Make today the first day and be a different, kinder person. What comes through here is your intense dislike, and no one responds with sunshine to a person who dislikes them. No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

I agree. Your response was pretty jerky, OP.