Debbie downer DD drives me up a wall...

[Anonymous]

I think OP's question is about much more than the text message about the piano.

OP, you sound like my Mom - extroverted, maybe not very self-aware. And I empathize with your daughter. I have struggled with depression most of my life and I'm a textbook introvert. I always felt like my mother did not accept me as I was, because she has a hard time relating to people who are not like her. She would shame me for being to shy and sensitive instead of trying to empathize with me. I could try to be more cheerful, but interactions with her usually put me in a worse mood. Once I became an adult, she was the last to find out that I had a great sense of humor.

Try to be more accepting and learn to communicate in her language, whatever that is.

[Anonymous]

Your post has the classic hallmarks of a borderline personality disorder.

1. Your personality is perfect.
2. Others have told you repeatedly how perfect you are.
3. You literally project sunshine.
4. Your daughter is a downer, and you actively dislike her. Why? Because she is a downer!
5. You"just dont see the point in getting upset about too much when theres so many fun things to enjoy." Translation: when other people get mad at you, you don't understand why, and can't even recollect what you have done to offend them, and refuse to admit it, and get angry at them for even bringing it up.
6. You make mean and nasty jokes, and then laugh and get mad when people fail to appreciate your "humor."
7. When other people are happy and upbeat, you take delight in bringing them down. But you are a "Pollyanna."

[Anonymous]

Hi op!!

I hope you are getting the reality check that you desperately need. You remind me so much of my own mother. Have a nice day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight.

Your daughter texts you happy and bubbly and enthused about her new piano -- you immediately prick her bubble by informing her "jokingly" no one in the family has any musical talent. But you were of course kidding. Because you have a sunshiney bright disposition and she does not.

OP, we all have a certain way of looking at ourselves which is firmly established. We don't take the time to question it. But I ask you, who in the above scenario was bright and upbeat? You or your daughter? Couldn't you have just been happy for her? Why did you need to make a mean joke?

This.

+1


People act differently around different people, depending on the kinds of reaction they expect. If you feel she doesn't share or project joy, perhaps it's because you often cut it down or nit pick etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want an authentic and real and loving relationship with your daughter -- not a perfect relationship, but a real and authentic relationship -- it's time to leave aside the roles you have assigned both her and yourself, Debbie Downer and Pollyanna. Neither one of you fits these roles. I suspect you never did.

You have described some genuinely troubling details of your relationship -- the fact that she reminds you of your mother in law physically and emotionally is sad. The fact that you feel that flat out dislike her is very troubling.

You need to meet people halfway. Own your own behavior. Stop hiding behind jokes, reputations, and stereotypes. Make today the first day and be a different, kinder person. What comes through here is your intense dislike, and no one responds with sunshine to a person who dislikes them. No one.

+1


You've put her in a box and you're sealing the lid. This is not the way to treat anyone, let alone your child.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you have another child who is "just like you" and perfect? I feel so sorry for your DD. I agree with pretty much every pp. You need a reality check. You are not all sweetness and light and certainly not a Pollyanna. Moreover, your "joke" was not funny! My MIL does this ALL THE TIME. Thinks her "jokes" are funny and then wonders why we don't laugh. She has a terrible relationship with DH and my kids want very little to do with her as well. Meanwhile her daughter is perfect except for the fact that she has no kids. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren, OP, you need to repair your relationship with your DD because her kids will side with her EVERY TIME!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi op!!

I hope you are getting the reality check that you desperately need. You remind me so much of my own mother. Have a nice day!

+1000

[Anonymous]

I was talking to my mother during DH's long period of unemployment, about how hard it was emotionally and financially, and that we were doing our best not to get too depressed.

My mother's response: "You ruined your life marrying that man."

She claims never to have said that.

You remind me so much of her! Have a great day, OP!

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone else. Your response was terrible. Your daughter is right that a simple Congrats or It's beautiful would have been nice. My mother used to say things like this a lot and these types of comments sting when all you want is support from your parent. Lucky for me, my mom has matured and is now wonderful to talk to and very supportive. I hope you find a way to be supportive of all your children. And I would reexamine who is the one being negative since based on the text you wrote, I agree with the others that it's you.

[Anonymous]

My mother can be like this too, though not a self proclaimed Pollyanna at all. Just generally a very paranoid/suspicious person with good intentions and a lot of fear.

Anyway, over the years I learned to expect that she wouldn't really share in my joy but rather come up with a 100 reasons why I shouldn't be happy. I started to expect and therefore ignore her comments. But sometimes it's hard and I snap back as your DD did. What you said may not have been "horrible," but you were certainly in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post has the classic hallmarks of a borderline personality disorder.

1. Your personality is perfect.
2. Others have told you repeatedly how perfect you are.
3. You literally project sunshine.
4. Your daughter is a downer, and you actively dislike her. Why? Because she is a downer!
5. You"just dont see the point in getting upset about too much when theres so many fun things to enjoy." Translation: when other people get mad at you, you don't understand why, and can't even recollect what you have done to offend them, and refuse to admit it, and get angry at them for even bringing it up.
6. You make mean and nasty jokes, and then laugh and get mad when people fail to appreciate your "humor."
7. When other people are happy and upbeat, you take delight in bringing them down. But you are a "Pollyanna."

+10000. I agree with this psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your daughter had dreams to take piano lessons herself and you lightheartedly crapped all over that. You're so fun!

[Anonymous]

OP, you literally remind me of my emotionally abusive, gas lighting boyfriend from my twenties. He was exactly like you.

Him: (makes mean joke about something I feel sensitive about)
Me: How dare you!
Him: Why can't you take a joke? You're so sensitive!

People like you are a curse on your loved ones.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you Mom. Your daughter sounds like a bitch. Stay away from her.