Just found out my husband has been going to hotel 3x per month

[Anonymous]

Naturally, he denied it at first b/c he's embarrassed. And of course now he is denying having an affair (although if you look at the dates one is before christmas, new years, the other before valentines day, ect). I'm completely floored and I have no idea what to do. I never thought I would write this on an anonymous board but I have no where to turn. Any experience with this?

[Anonymous]

Do you have evidence proving he's having an affair? Did he spend the night at the hotel?

[Anonymous]

No evidence beside credit card statements and no he did not spend the night. So maybe he's having an affair w/ another married person or someone from the office.

[Anonymous]

So how does he explain the credit card charges?

[Anonymous]

He says he's been stressed and needed to get away. Apparently, he needs to "get away" every one to two weeks at a hotel one block away from his office and one two metro stops away.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

[Anonymous]

I would immediately get hold of all of his:
phone and cell phone bills
credit card statements
bankcard withdrawal statements.

Examine them and look for patterns of unexplained spending - or repeated phone numbers.

Make copies of everything and put them somewhere safe. In the worst case scenario, you would want to give them to a divorce lawyer.

I would also run a credit check on him to make sure he doesn't have any other credit cards that you don't know about - feasibly the bills could be going to his workplace.

I'm terribly sorry you found out about this - whatever it turns out to be.

[Anonymous]

Girls, her husband is having an affair. Why my husband needs to get away it usually involves a night out with the boys. And if the OP hasn't noticed her husband missing at night, then he is apparently needing to get away during the day. News flash: He already IS away during the day.

OP, I'm sorry. Your husband is a shmuck.

[Anonymous]

OP, i am so sorry! It is a difficult thing to discover.

One thing you can check is if there is any regularity. You mention there was before christmas, new, and then valentines, so if he was having an affair - it's too long to wait to have sex between new years (dec 31) and valentines day (feb 14). Assuming it is an affair - either things were just starting, or she was traveling, or if she was married - her husband was traveling, so they could meet at her house (did you do any travel during this time)? You mention etc... so it means there were other stays at the hotel, did they get more frequent? is there any pattern to them?

If he is having an affair, i would assume that he is buying her gifts, right? Check the credit card for other charges, store purchases that you cannot explain (gifts), restaurant or pub purchases, any of that? Check around the christmas, new year, valentines day dates. If you say his card indicates that he stayed in hotel - hence had sex, i would assume he would bring her a gift as well (wouldn't imagine a man having sex with woman on / around valentine without getting her anyting - though everything is possible).

Check his phone records if you can, any number he calls often? Any number on or around hotel staying dates?

If he is not having an affair, he still could be having sex in that hotel and paying for it. Then there wouldn't be gifts/ restaurant bills / etc... though this will not make you feel any better.

He could also be telling the truth, of course.

I just try to imagine myself in your shoes, and I would be floored as well if I discovered something like this. I don't think that i would believe him though that he was paying for a hotel without using it in some way (other than just relaxing). But then i know what my husband would and wouldn't spend money on, and i know also how he relaxes.

Okh OP. Good luck to you. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you think you MIGHT even possibly want a divorce,

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM

Because if you do, legally you have "Condoned" his adultery.

Don't have sex with him again until you are SURE you still want him, and use protection.

I am sorry my dear but yes, he is having an affair. Nobody goes to a hotel to "get away" without telling their spouse. In fact when my DH had his affair, the married woman he met up with would use the excuse she was going to a hotel "to get away from the kids".

[Anonymous]

If you think you will divorce him (eventually) don't have sex with him again.....this will be seen in the courts in VA as "condoning" or consenting to the affair. You won't be able to use it against him in court. My friend found this out the hard way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He says he's been stressed and needed to get away. Apparently, he needs to "get away" every one to two weeks at a hotel one block away from his office and one two metro stops away.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

I am so sorry! What a scumbag. You deserve so much better.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how someone can give that excuse with a straight face - needed to "get away"? Ridiculous. OP - I am sorry for what you are going through now. I know you may want to believe he just needed to get away but he is lying and is having sex with someone he meets at that hotel.

I would schedule a consultation with an attorney just in case. Esp. if you have kids.

take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry!! Even if you don't think you'd leave him, I would speak with a divorce lawyer ASAP just to have someone help you think this through. If you don't have any lawyer names (why would you?), use this board to get a referral or two for someone where you live (VA/MD/DC). Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would immediately get hold of all of his:
phone and cell phone bills
credit card statements
bankcard withdrawal statements.

Examine them and look for patterns of unexplained spending - or repeated phone numbers.

Make copies of everything and put them somewhere safe. In the worst case scenario, you would want to give them to a divorce lawyer.

I would also run a credit check on him to make sure he doesn't have any other credit cards that you don't know about - feasibly the bills could be going to his workplace.

I'm terribly sorry you found out about this - whatever it turns out to be.

Me again. I forgot the most important thing that you should do very soon: make an appt. to get a full STD work-up from your doctor. I'm sorry to tell you this, but your health is even more important than anything else right now!

[Anonymous]

Ouch. Just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I discovered my husband's affair in November...it's horrible, a nightmare, the shattering of all my dreams--BUT I am not devastated and I've discovered an internal strength that I didn't really know I possessed. I'm sorry that you're hurting...but know that healing is possible if you're willing to pursue it. The others have given you great advice...keep posting as more questions come up!