Just found out my husband has been going to hotel 3x per month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second poster is exactly right. OP, your husband is having an affair. I would lay odds that it is with a married co-worker, since they couldn't go to her place.

First step, your H will take this underground, as he knows now you have reason to be suspicious. So you need to take your sleuthing farther underground. Don't mention the charges again - and try to act normal. Hire a PI and have him followed. Get hold of his cell and check texts and history - without his knowledge. Put a keylogger on the home computer. Once you have the evidence, and the PI has her name and address, give copies of your evidence to her husband if she is married. Not for revenge, but because your best ally in stopping the affair is her husband. Together, you should decide when you will confront your spouses individually. You want to coordinate the effort so the cheaters can't get their stories straight.

Your next best ally is the employer - one or both could be fired. Out the affair to whomever can help you stop it. Remember, the participants in an affair are like cockroaches - they scatter when exposed to light.
Others will tell you this is too hardline, but I have been there. Take charge. For one thing, weakness is unattractive, but mainly because it is the first step in taking your life back. Be sure you eat right, exercise and take care of YOU first. Also, read up at www.survivinginfidelity.com.

Good luck.

Sorry, but if the husband is a partner in a large law firm, what will happen is they will close ranks around HIM. It's happened a hundred times all over this city. This strategy may work fine in some contexts, but depending on the OP's situaiton this could be a very dangerous strategy for her to employ. She said he's a lawyer, but that does not tell me enough to know.

OP, honestly, instead of taking advice from us, please get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. The Washingtonian puts out a list of top divorce lawyers; think they just did it again within the last month. I picked somebody from the list to consult and was happy with them (have not yet decided if I am going to go through with the divorce yet). I would also ask around.

A therapist is a good idea, too. You need all the support you can get. It may turn out he's NOT cheating (the drug suggestion above, or depression, where work thinks he's traveling on business and you think he's at work - could easily explain it, too), but in any event there is something going on that needs to be dealt with.

Finally, DC is a no fault state, so if you live in DC, all the spying and stuff does nothing but make you sick. Infidelity is not grounds for divorce and does not get you greater sympathy from the judge from what I understand. In DC, the best strategy, I'm told, is to avoid the judge altogether and work out a settlement or the judge will do everything by formula, thus making sure NOBODY is happy with the outcome.

Sure - this is an option if she doesn't want to save the marriage. Absolutely. If I thought she had no hope of saving her marriage and just wanted out, this is a fine approach.

However, if she does want to mend the marriage, exposure is still her best option. And if he is a partner at a firm, they may close ranks, or they may fire him for billing clients while screwing around. You just don't know - none of us does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The second poster is exactly right. OP, your husband is having an affair. I would lay odds that it is with a married co-worker, since they couldn't go to her place.

First step, your H will take this underground, as he knows now you have reason to be suspicious. So you need to take your sleuthing farther underground. Don't mention the charges again - and try to act normal. Hire a PI and have him followed. Get hold of his cell and check texts and history - without his knowledge. Put a keylogger on the home computer. Once you have the evidence, and the PI has her name and address, give copies of your evidence to her husband if she is married. Not for revenge, but because your best ally in stopping the affair is her husband. Together, you should decide when you will confront your spouses individually. You want to coordinate the effort so the cheaters can't get their stories straight.

Your next best ally is the employer - one or both could be fired. Out the affair to whomever can help you stop it. Remember, the participants in an affair are like cockroaches - they scatter when exposed to light.
Others will tell you this is too hardline, but I have been there. Take charge. For one thing, weakness is unattractive, but mainly because it is the first step in taking your life back. Be sure you eat right, exercise and take care of YOU first. Also, read up at www.survivinginfidelity.com.

Good luck.

Sorry, but if the husband is a partner in a large law firm, what will happen is they will close ranks around HIM. It's happened a hundred times all over this city. This strategy may work fine in some contexts, but depending on the OP's situaiton this could be a very dangerous strategy for her to employ. She said he's a lawyer, but that does not tell me enough to know.

OP, honestly, instead of taking advice from us, please get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. The Washingtonian puts out a list of top divorce lawyers; think they just did it again within the last month. I picked somebody from the list to consult and was happy with them (have not yet decided if I am going to go through with the divorce yet). I would also ask around.

A therapist is a good idea, too. You need all the support you can get. It may turn out he's NOT cheating (the drug suggestion above, or depression, where work thinks he's traveling on business and you think he's at work - could easily explain it, too), but in any event there is something going on that needs to be dealt with.

Finally, DC is a no fault state, so if you live in DC, all the spying and stuff does nothing but make you sick. Infidelity is not grounds for divorce and does not get you greater sympathy from the judge from what I understand. In DC, the best strategy, I'm told, is to avoid the judge altogether and work out a settlement or the judge will do everything by formula, thus making sure NOBODY is happy with the outcome.

All good information, thank you. For now I'm going to try and get him help, as he is the father of my (young) children and I'm going to have some kind of relationship with him.
Thank you to everyone for your helpful comments and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it...?

Your husband is spending the night at a hotel and you didn't notice he wasn't coming home after work all this time????

This post really doesn't make much sense unless the OP gives more details to fill in the blanks.

Read her post! She said he is NOT spending the night!

[Anonymous]

OP - since you are a SAHM and have young children yur FIRST responsibility is to protect your financial assets. Get records of everything right NOW! See if you can move a large chunk of cash into a new account OR put a freeze on as many accounts/investments as you can. Too many SAHM and their children have been left financially high and dry while Daddy goes off with a new life or new wife. A lawyer is especially savvy about thsi stuff too, I kow, I am one also. PROTECT your and your children's ASSESTS NOW!!!!!!! Then, since you want to save your marriage, proceed on that front. But, do not be naive and leave the finances to chance. Its the biggest mistake most women make.

[Anonymous]

I am also a crappy typist - sorry for all the typos and mis-spellings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:39 You said a multitude of negative things about yourself with that comment. Shame on you.

Oh please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it...?

Your husband is spending the night at a hotel and you didn't notice he wasn't coming home after work all this time????

This post really doesn't make much sense unless the OP gives more details to fill in the blanks.

Original post said he did not spend the night.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't elliot spitzer servicing his hookers in hotels?

The other woman isn't necessarily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - since you are a SAHM and have young children yur FIRST responsibility is to protect your financial assets. Get records of everything right NOW! See if you can move a large chunk of cash into a new account OR put a freeze on as many accounts/investments as you can. Too many SAHM and their children have been left financially high and dry while Daddy goes off with a new life or new wife. A lawyer is especially savvy about thsi stuff too, I kow, I am one also. PROTECT your and your children's ASSESTS NOW!!!!!!! Then, since you want to save your marriage, proceed on that front. But, do not be naive and leave the finances to chance. Its the biggest mistake most women make.

She's right. My uncle did this to my aunt-she was at home with kids while he was screwing his secretary. He left my aunt and married his secretary, of course, and my uncle's parents had to help my aunt financially. Protect yourself even you have a desire to make this marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - since you are a SAHM and have young children yur FIRST responsibility is to protect your financial assets. Get records of everything right NOW! See if you can move a large chunk of cash into a new account OR put a freeze on as many accounts/investments as you can. Too many SAHM and their children have been left financially high and dry while Daddy goes off with a new life or new wife. A lawyer is especially savvy about thsi stuff too, I kow, I am one also. PROTECT your and your children's ASSESTS NOW!!!!!!! Then, since you want to save your marriage, proceed on that front. But, do not be naive and leave the finances to chance. Its the biggest mistake most women make.

She's right. My uncle did this to my aunt-she was at home with kids while he was screwing his secretary. He left my aunt and married his secretary, of course, and my uncle's parents had to help my aunt financially. Protect yourself even you have a desire to make this marriage work.

Agreed. Do this, for you and your kids. You can figure out your marriage later. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may or may not decide to end the marriage-- but it seems to me a lot would depend on how honest he is capable of being. If I were you I'd say, "look, this is devastating, and the fact that you're still denying the obvious is most hurtful of all. If you value this marriage, I need you to tell me honestly both what happened, and why you decided to have an affair. I am not sure I can forgive this, but if you feel there are problems in our marriage and you were so unhappy that you had an affair, let's spend some time discussing that. Maybe this is something we can work through and end up with a stronger marriage. Maybe this will end our marriage. But if you can be honest about what happened and why, there is at least a chance we can save this, while if you just lie, you're dooming our marriage."

Just wondering if this poster has any experience with liars. They do not think like normal people and they do not react to speeches like this like a rational person would. They lie again and again and again, then they hang their heads and cry while they explain why they HAD to lie, and THAT is a lie.

Yes, my cheating husband would NEVER admit anything until confronted with evidence. The pretty speech above will get you NOWHERE.

[NewMom07]

OP, you have gotten a lot of really good advice here. It can be very scary going through this as a SAHM. Can I add just a couple of points here?

1) Many women stay with their husbands after infidelity. This is your decision alone to make. Do not allow the posters who are trash-talking your husband based on a short paragraph to influence your decision. There are reasons men cheat. And a good therapist can help him sort through these issues. A therapist can also help you sort through your feelings as well.

2) You will get through this, whether you stay or leave. Divorce is devastating, no doubt. But both adults and children survive it everyday. Do not feel this is the end of the world for you and your children.

3) My mother always said, "Expect the best but prepare for the worst." I wholeheartedly agree with the previous posters who advise you to secure your financial assets now. You do not have to make a decision of forgiveness/non-forgiveness just yet. But remember that you have worked hard to support your husband in his career, and you deserve your share. So do your children.

4) Do not underestimate the control another woman can have over your husband's mind. There is always the chance that he could emerge as someone "you thought you knew."

5) Pray to whatever god(s) you worship and ask for strength. That strength will not only tell you what the truth is regarding these hotel charges, but it will help you make the right decision on whether to stay or leave.

Good luck.