Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Just found out my husband has been going to hotel 3x per month
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I'm in DC and would like referrals just in case. He's a lawyer. I'm a SAHM. Have not worked in almost six years. I have no idea what is going to happen. |
Anonymous
|
I don't get it...?
Your husband is spending the night at a hotel and you didn't notice he wasn't coming home after work all this time???? This post really doesn't make much sense unless the OP gives more details to fill in the blanks. |
Anonymous
| OP, you may or may not decide to end the marriage-- but it seems to me a lot would depend on how honest he is capable of being. If I were you I'd say, "look, this is devastating, and the fact that you're still denying the obvious is most hurtful of all. If you value this marriage, I need you to tell me honestly both what happened, and why you decided to have an affair. I am not sure I can forgive this, but if you feel there are problems in our marriage and you were so unhappy that you had an affair, let's spend some time discussing that. Maybe this is something we can work through and end up with a stronger marriage. Maybe this will end our marriage. But if you can be honest about what happened and why, there is at least a chance we can save this, while if you just lie, you're dooming our marriage." |
Anonymous
Nanny, OP said he was going to the hotel during the day. |
Anonymous
Go back and read. OP said:
|
Anonymous
Just wondering if this poster has any experience with liars. They do not think like normal people and they do not react to speeches like this like a rational person would. They lie again and again and again, then they hang their heads and cry while they explain why they HAD to lie, and THAT is a lie. |
Anonymous
| 21:39 - THAT was funny!!!!! |
Anonymous
Maybe it's a married person from his office. |
Anonymous
Yes, therapists call it "gaslighting." Cheaters lie and lie, even when their lies are so obvious that it's painful to hear them. It starts making their spouses feel like they are losing their minds. A good example is saying that they need to relax in a hotel one block away from their office. OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through, and if you like, I'll track down my old therapist's phone number. She's in DC and wonderful. Post if you want the number. |
Anonymous
The second poster is exactly right. OP, your husband is having an affair. I would lay odds that it is with a married co-worker, since they couldn't go to her place. First step, your H will take this underground, as he knows now you have reason to be suspicious. So you need to take your sleuthing farther underground. Don't mention the charges again - and try to act normal. Hire a PI and have him followed. Get hold of his cell and check texts and history - without his knowledge. Put a keylogger on the home computer. Once you have the evidence, and the PI has her name and address, give copies of your evidence to her husband if she is married. Not for revenge, but because your best ally in stopping the affair is her husband. Together, you should decide when you will confront your spouses individually. You want to coordinate the effort so the cheaters can't get their stories straight. Your next best ally is the employer - one or both could be fired. Out the affair to whomever can help you stop it. Remember, the participants in an affair are like cockroaches - they scatter when exposed to light. Others will tell you this is too hardline, but I have been there. Take charge. For one thing, weakness is unattractive, but mainly because it is the first step in taking your life back. Be sure you eat right, exercise and take care of YOU first. Also, read up at www.survivinginfidelity.com. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| .Although an affair seems like the most likely scenario, it is possible he is doing drugs. I know of someone who would rent hotel rooms occassionally to do drugs. His wife eventually figured out and he was shipped off to rehab. |
Anonymous
|
It's either an affair, a series of affairs, hookers, or some combination thereof.
Take care of yourself, OP. I'm really sorry to hear such bad news. |
Anonymous
Sorry, but if the husband is a partner in a large law firm, what will happen is they will close ranks around HIM. It's happened a hundred times all over this city. This strategy may work fine in some contexts, but depending on the OP's situaiton this could be a very dangerous strategy for her to employ. She said he's a lawyer, but that does not tell me enough to know. OP, honestly, instead of taking advice from us, please get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. The Washingtonian puts out a list of top divorce lawyers; think they just did it again within the last month. I picked somebody from the list to consult and was happy with them (have not yet decided if I am going to go through with the divorce yet). I would also ask around. A therapist is a good idea, too. You need all the support you can get. It may turn out he's NOT cheating (the drug suggestion above, or depression, where work thinks he's traveling on business and you think he's at work - could easily explain it, too), but in any event there is something going on that needs to be dealt with. Finally, DC is a no fault state, so if you live in DC, all the spying and stuff does nothing but make you sick. Infidelity is not grounds for divorce and does not get you greater sympathy from the judge from what I understand. In DC, the best strategy, I'm told, is to avoid the judge altogether and work out a settlement or the judge will do everything by formula, thus making sure NOBODY is happy with the outcome. |
Anonymous
| 21:39 You said a multitude of negative things about yourself with that comment. Shame on you. |
Anonymous
|
Ughhh, OP, I am so sorry. I may have a unique perspective, and I'm honestly afraid to post it, because the last thing I want to do is offer advice based on a mere paragraph and no real idea of what's going on in your life together with your husband, but I know you will be seeking advice from many sources, and you asked, so here is something to think about. This may end up being a long story and I'm going to change one or two things around, but maybe you will get something out of it.
One of my colleagues (a happily married older man) routinely hires escorts (hookers) during work hours or right after work. How do I know? Well, he is unbelievably sloppy about it and was putting these things into his blackberry calendar, which hooks into his email calendar, and we have shared access to that in my office. He links his emails to this, as well. I saw it all a few years ago. This man loves his wife, and he has a sickness. Sometimes I think I'd like to tell his wife, so she can make her own decision on what to do about her husband's sickness, but telling her openly would ruin me, professionally and I'm not even sure it would be the right thing to do even if there were a way to let her know without exposing who I was. Sometimes I get the impression that she knows and that this has been an ongoing problem for them. So very sad, all around. As far as logistics go, I will tell you that he does this during the day or right after work, and goes to hotels RIGHT near our office. That sounds an awful lot like what your husband is doing. If it were a work colleague, I'm assuming they could go away together and if it were a romantic affair, a few hours in a hotel every few weeks doesn't sound like it would do it (though god knows, I wouldn't know, I've never had an affair or been the other woman). Still, to me this does not sound like an affair, it sounds like a working woman, although I don't know if that makes any difference. I keep hoping, even though you're a stranger to me, that there is some reasonable explanation but honestly, I can't think of what that might be. Normally I don't think counselors are very useful, but in this case, I'd say you should at least consult someone with experience with folks coping with suspected / confirmed adultery. Maybe this counselor can at least help you know what to do next, what kind of questions to ask your husband, help you figure out how to make him start owning up to it if he's doing it, and help you sort through whether you want to divorce him or try to work things out, and how to protect yourself in either case. I don't think normal brains are equipped to deal with all of that so I'm sending you a huge hug. I hesitated to share that story because I don't want to first of all suggest that your husband is some sympathetic person or deserves sympathy, but maybe this information can help you somehow. BTW, in case you're wondering, my colleague is not a lawyer... Good luck and so sorry you are dealing with it. I truly hope there is an explanation for this, but I don't know.... |