My friend is now mad at me for not calling her soon to be ex husband an asshole

[Anonymous]

My friend married a wonderful man. I was part of the bridal party and gave a speech at their wedding. My friend gets very difficult when she gets into one of these angry moods. She will give you ice cold silent treatment. He has had some family problems (money, illness, mental illness, alcoholism) and my friend fought with him all the time about his family. She made it about her and her needs and she threatened divorce. He said he is no longer in love with her and does not see a future with her and moved out. It's been several months now and after all her begging, they are moving forward with finalizing the divorce. My friend is heartbroken and angry. For months I have listened to her and tried to be supportive. She is constantly badmouthing his family and calls her ex an asshole. She blames his family for their divorce. I still like him as a friend although I am not in contact with him after they separated. Recently she yelled at me for not calling her ex an asshole. I said that he did not wrong her and that things just did not work out. She started screaming at me because he is an asshole for abandoning her. I have not spoken to her since.

Do you always have to pick a side when a couple gets divorced?

I know I will most likely not continue my friendship with her ex but I don't want to participate in trash talking a guy who I sincerely like. My friend sees no fault in herself and blames everything on him and his family. She is going around trash talking his family and putting out all their dirty laundry, which I think is very inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

why do you like him

[Anonymous]

She sounds horrendous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why do you like him

I thought the same thing. The whole wonderful thing seems like a little too much.

OP, you don't have to choose a side, but to some degree, you need to support your friend. Or don't be friends with her, since you really described her in such a critical way that I can't imagine you being very close friends in the first place.

[Anonymous]

You don't ALWAYS have to pick sides, no. Some people will gravitate toward one person, some to the other. It is rare that someone will be truly neutral. I have maybe 3 friends who are truly as close friends with my ex as they are with me.

There is no way to not pick sides in this situation though, other than to discontinue all friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why do you like him

I thought the same thing. The whole wonderful thing seems like a little too much.

OP, you don't have to choose a side, but to some degree, you need to support your friend. Or don't be friends with her, since you really described her in such a critical way that I can't imagine you being very close friends in the first place.

I was the maid of honor at their wedding. I have been friends with this friend for 25 years so we are very close friends. When my friend is in a normal mood, she is awesome. It is only when she gets into this dark place where she feels wronged that she becomes uncomfortable to be around. As a friend, it is easier to keep my distance for a few months when she cools off. I can't imagine what it would feel like to live together while she is in this angry state. I actually think my friend is in the wrong with her ex. Long story short, his mentally ill sibling verbally attacked my friend. The mentally ill sibling was admitted to a hospital for this. Entire family is upset about the whole thing. My friend kept being angry at her husband for not sticking up for her to his mentally ill sibling. Other family members are also going through a lot - depression, money, alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

OP I can begin to understand why he left your friend. She sounds horrible.

You do not have to share the same opinion with her, or share the same degree of her opinion, in order to qualify as supporting her. You already supported by listening and being there.

She needs to reign in her emotions and understand that she can't get other people to behave how she wants them to.

Is she an only child....?

[Anonymous]

Your friend sounds really, really difficult. Prepare for the same sort of shenanigans with husband #2 (if she makes it that far).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I can begin to understand why he left your friend. She sounds horrible.

You do not have to share the same opinion with her, or share the same degree of her opinion, in order to qualify as supporting her. You already supported by listening and being there.

She needs to reign in her emotions and understand that she can't get other people to behave how she wants them to.

Is she an only child....?

When you hang out with her, she is fabulous. She never has any problems attracting guys. She is fun, interesting and thoughtful most of the time. If she feels wronged, she feels hurt and upset and handles these situations poorly. I have known her for decades and there have been periods of time where we did not speak for 1-2 years. We reconciled before her wedding and I was so happy that she found a guy who brought out the best in her.

The mentally ill sibling did say hurtful things about my friend and she had every right to be upset. I think she took it too far and does not understand mental illness.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like my ex, who considered me an a**hole for not defending her against any who wronged her, real or perceived, even when she was evidently in the wrong. She demanded I not have contact with my mother, my uncle etc. since they were "hell bent" IHHO in wrecking our marriage. Turns out wife was NPD. Perhaps your friend is too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can begin to understand why he left your friend. She sounds horrible.

You do not have to share the same opinion with her, or share the same degree of her opinion, in order to qualify as supporting her. You already supported by listening and being there.

She needs to reign in her emotions and understand that she can't get other people to behave how she wants them to.

Is she an only child....?

When you hang out with her, she is fabulous. She never has any problems attracting guys. She is fun, interesting and thoughtful most of the time. If she feels wronged, she feels hurt and upset and handles these situations poorly. I have known her for decades and there have been periods of time where we did not speak for 1-2 years. We reconciled before her wedding and I was so happy that she found a guy who brought out the best in her.

The mentally ill sibling did say hurtful things about my friend and she had every right to be upset. I think she took it too far and does not understand mental illness.

Did the mentally ill sibling say things that were true? Maybe that's another reason your friend is having such a tough time letting it go.

[Anonymous]

Last I checked, you're entitled to your OWN opinion.

I hate people that think you have to agree with everything they say.

[Anonymous]

You are not a good friend. The way you have trashed her on here while saying only glowing things about her DH is very telling. No one is as blameless in a divorce as you have made her DH out to be. It sounds as if you want him for yourself. I hope she drops you as a friend soon. You are just a garden variety frenemy.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is immature. But she sounds like she is also really hurt, and maybe embarrassed, and probably just really emotional right now.

You don't have to take sides. I have stayed friends with both halves of many broken-up couples. You do tend to see one spouse more than the other, though, and you don't always know going in which one it will be. Just be supportive and don't feel like you need to agree with her.

I generally think that it's good not to trash your ex in public. I like to take the high road. My ex and I had a tumultuous breakup, but I've never trashed him in public, and since we have a child together and now get along well, I'm really glad I haven't.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you've already picked a side.

Maybe that's why she's upset.