Coping/Moving on after separation/divorce

[Anonymous]

So I'm in the midst of getting separated from my husband, and really doesn't look like there's any hope of reconciliation. We're working with a mediator and waiting the 1 year to file the divorce paperwork. Obviously this is a difficult time, but I know many others have been there and gotten through it. How did you deal with the stress? What made you feel better?

[Anonymous]

I went to individual counseling, that was a great help. I also had a flexible job and could take off an hour or so and just cry, that was very cathartic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I'm in the midst of getting separated from my husband, and really doesn't look like there's any hope of reconciliation. We're working with a mediator and waiting the 1 year to file the divorce paperwork. Obviously this is a difficult time, but I know many others have been there and gotten through it. How did you deal with the stress? What made you feel better?

I took a social sport. It got me fit, made my mind focused and I got out around people, some who are now my good friends today. You have to do something to focus on yourself. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Counseling and spending time with family and friends. I also made new, divorced friends and that was a lifesaver.

Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

How did you make new, divorced friends?

[Anonymous]

I unapologetically leaned on my brother and sister, hard. As in, call either during work day when I got overwhelmed with grief and expect them to pick up phone.

This phase was short-lived and their help got me through.

OP, find your one or two people like that, the one or two people you can "call in the middle of the night." Could be your mom, a friend, cousin, doesn't matter. S/he will be the key.

[Anonymous]

Counseling
Making new friends (mostly people I already knew, but I had previously felt too busy to try and make plans with. I was super socially isolated when I was with my spouse and now I do social stuff, both on my own and with my kid, every week)
Going to visit old friends, and inviting them to visit me
Working out
Taking a class
I'm really making an effort to be consciously kind to other people and to reach out and support them-so I don't just get caught up in my own pain.

It's really hard (in my case my spouse left me for another woman). And, it's a challenging situation, because you do need to keep busy and start moving on, but it's also appropriate to mourn what you've lost and feel that pain. In my case, I am really functional and doing all the stuff on the list above. Some of my friends really don't want me to be sad (which is understandable) and want me to meet someone new right away and move on. I feel like I need this time to feel bad about a bad thing-and I'm not ready to move on-and if I still feel that way in a year it would be a problem, but for now that sadness is helping me understand myself and my relationships, and hopefully it's making me a better more mature person.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you need a short list of people you can reach out to if you're feeling low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I unapologetically leaned on my brother and sister, hard. As in, call either during work day when I got overwhelmed with grief and expect them to pick up phone.

This phase was short-lived and their help got me through.

OP, find your one or two people like that, the one or two people you can "call in the middle of the night." Could be your mom, a friend, cousin, doesn't matter. S/he will be the key.

+1 I was the one who asked for the divorce, but I was still kind of unhinged/nutty for a while. Youngest sibling just happened to be getting a divorce the same summer...we leaned on each other heavily. I had some other friends I could confide in as well. You find out who your real friends are! The people who are willing to listen to you!

[Anonymous]

8 months out from my unexpected separation/divorcing process. Finally feeling human again, but it's hard.
1. Therapist
2. Read Crazy Time 3rd edition: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062337408/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687582&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0060923091&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1G48ESGT2VG0PN6SNHPR
3. Breathe.
4. Read all of the above posts. great advice.

[Anonymous]

I asked all of my friends if they had any friends that got divorced and I called them and asked if they would chat with me. Almost all of them met me for dinner or coffee and were super nice about just listening and giving me their perspective. (This was 8 years ago). I made a lot of mistakes in that 1st year but I give myself credit for just surviving and taking care of my kids that year. I recommend NOT making any major decisions that 1st year (buying a home, moving, changing jobs, etc) if you don't have to.

I also spent any free time I had exercising, got my bike out, went for walks, went to gym classes, swimming.

[Anonymous]

I had 2 friends that I met through their spouses (all the DHs went to HS together). We loved seeing each other when we could, but it was 2-3 times a year in group social events.

Suddenly, one of them was going through a divorce. We decided to start a little Girl's Night after the kids went to sleep. We usually went to the friend's house that was going through the divorce since she didn't have anyone at home that could watch the kids (sometimes the grandparents babysat and we could meet at someone else's house).

We would go over on Fri or Sat after the kids were asleep (8:30ish). Bring guacamole, chips, sweets and sometimes wine. Very casual--no cleaning of the house, no showers necessary (2 of us work from home), totally okay if you had to cancel (no guilt). We would talk and laugh for 2-2.5 hours.

It totally got her through the rough times. And even though she is on the other side, we still meet up almost every week.

One thing I realized is how little adult women get together with their girlfriends. This weekly meetup has been a so much fun and a real life saver.

I would see if you could start something like this with your friends.

[Anonymous]

check out the yahoo group gomomgo- great group of local women going through the same thing.

For me, the thing that helped was going back to school to get my law degree. I figured I was going to be miserable for a few years anyway- I might as well be miserable and get a degree at the end of it. Studying occupied me and I felt empowered because I was doing something just for me.

[Anonymous]

I was pregnant while in the process of divorcing my DH, a very angry man. I turned inward. I focused on my little girl inside and her brother snuggled next to me as I stayed in bed for about two months. I spent way too much time on eBay, buying clothes for the baby I was carrying. I bought newborn to 4T. I didn't have to buy her a single thing until she outgrew that wardrobe. The divorce was final 20 days after she was born. Twenty days after he stormed out of the hospital saying he wanted nothing to do with her because I wouldn't add "Lou" to her name.

I invested in my children, deeply. I wrapped a lot of self-care into the nurturing they also required. Once I emerged from this little bubble, I found he had little power over me anymore and I was able to really move on. My children kept me in the now, so I didn't have time to look back.

I hope you have a much easier time of it.

[Anonymous]

Feeling better would be to do things positive.

Surround yourself with positive people, those who can support you and love you when sometimes it is hard to do that for yourself.

Unconditional support from good friends and/or close family members is vital now.

Also, refrain from having any contact with toxic people and/or situations. Doing so can feel like taking one hundred GIANT steps backward.

Keep your chin up, focus on the good in your life and understand this will be a new and exciting transition.

You are beginning a new stage in your life and the best is really yet to come.