when almost divorced family members get back together

[Anonymous]

My BIL's wife left him in a very immature way. She acted like an immature child instead of being honest with him. He was completely devastated and while they are equally to blame for the failure of the marriage the way she treated him was pretty despicable. Now there is a possibility she might come back. I realize it's his choice even if I don't agree and if he can forgive her I should be able to but despite that I hate her for what she did to him. Before this, I thought of her and loved her like a sister but now I don't know how to let go of my anger. Anyone BTDT who can give me some advice?

[Anonymous]

No advice. Going through the same thing.

I've just learned that you can't stop people from making self-destructive decisions. You can offer another perspective, but that's it. Some people are just make bad decisions, and feel self-righteous about their right to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No advice. Going through the same thing.

I've just learned that you can't stop people from making self-destructive decisions. You can offer another perspective, but that's it. Some people are just make bad decisions, and feel self-righteous about their right to do so.

Thanks! It was actually really helpful to hear someone going through the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL's wife left him in a very immature way. She acted like an immature child instead of being honest with him. He was completely devastated and while they are equally to blame for the failure of the marriage the way she treated him was pretty despicable. Now there is a possibility she might come back. I realize it's his choice even if I don't agree and if he can forgive her I should be able to but despite that I hate her for what she did to him. Before this, I thought of her and loved her like a sister but now I don't know how to let go of my anger. Anyone BTDT who can give me some advice?

Start by accepting the fact that she didn't do this to you, she did it to your BIL, so question what's really behind your anger. He apparently can let it go, and doesn't need you holding a grudge on his behalf. He knows her and their marriage far better than you do, so if he's forgiving her, trust his judgment enough to believe that it's what's best for him, and be glad they could reconcile.

[Anonymous]

This is a good example of why you should be very careful what you share with close friends and family as sometimes it's harder for them to get past the hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a good example of why you should be very careful what you share with close friends and family as sometimes it's harder for them to get past the hurt feelings.

This. If your BIL and SIL choose to reconcile, it's not your business.

[Anonymous]

It's not unusual for a marriage to implode when one person freaks the hell out over something. Mid life crisis, whatever. If they've returned to sanity, I say more power to them for trying to reconcile in a mature way.

[Anonymous]

And you never know what is going on inside a marriage. Yes, he's your brother, but you've only heard one side and one perspective. For his sake, you'll need to let it go and be supportive.

My bil and sil are moving towards a divorce too. Still hoping they'll work it out, but it's looking less likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL's wife left him in a very immature way. She acted like an immature child instead of being honest with him. He was completely devastated and while they are equally to blame for the failure of the marriage the way she treated him was pretty despicable. Now there is a possibility she might come back. I realize it's his choice even if I don't agree and if he can forgive her I should be able to but despite that I hate her for what she did to him. Before this, I thought of her and loved her like a sister but now I don't know how to let go of my anger. Anyone BTDT who can give me some advice?

This! There are plenty of things that happened in that marriage that you have no idea about.

[Anonymous]

I was this wife -- the one who left (though I don't think I was immature) -- and then we ended up getting back together. I assure you that DH's family and friends had NO CLUE what my perspective was, or what had gone on in the marriage. I showed enough respect to him to keep it private. After we got back together, I certainly expected some awkwardness with his family, but if anyone in his family had been unwelcoming to me, I would have gradually cut them out of my life (and, by extension, my child's life). Marriage is tricky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was this wife -- the one who left (though I don't think I was immature) -- and then we ended up getting back together. I assure you that DH's family and friends had NO CLUE what my perspective was, or what had gone on in the marriage. I showed enough respect to him to keep it private. After we got back together, I certainly expected some awkwardness with his family, but if anyone in his family had been unwelcoming to me, I would have gradually cut them out of my life (and, by extension, my child's life). Marriage is tricky.

Your husband would've had no say in who in his family got to be in his child's life?

[Anonymous]

My H left me when I was pregnant my marriage counselor told me not to tell anybody I wanted to stay close to if he came back. Family would most likely hold a grudge and make reconciliation harder.

I only told 2 friends, both cheated on their husbands so they became my safe confidants.

He came back 6 months later.... I think some friends figured it out but not sharing was the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your monkeys, not your circus.

If he took her back, just pretend like it never happened. She didn't do anything to you.

NP- this recently happened to my brother. I can't over look it. She devastated her five kids, him, and then just walks back in like nothing happened.

The extended family doesn't know and thinks she is a saint. She is a compulsive liar. I cannot stomach it. I will always support my brother and nephews, but could care less if she were to fall off a cliff.

[Anonymous]

Within five years, they will be divorced. But keep quiet.