Mother's Day pressure from MIL

[Anonymous]

I am from another country and have no connection to Mother's Day because of this. I am married to an American, and DH's mom is into Mother's Day. His parents were with us this year for the holiday. MIL took my daughter for a walk, and asked her whether she had a gift organized for me. My kids know Mother's Day isn't important to me, so DD told her grandmother a version of this. MIL bought her a box of chocolates to give to me. I didn't love this because it felt like she was imposing her views on our family - but was going to let it slide. We took her to Mother's Day lunch, and she asked my kids if they had made cards for me. I responded and said that we don't really do Mother's Day. She said pointedly, "Well, its important for the children". There were other things like this. Am I over-reacting to be upset about this sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Well, at some level it is good that MIL wanted you to be celebrated too! I wouldn't get too worked up about it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You are overreacting. If you don't want to celebrate Mother's Day, don't have her to your house over this one weekend. She bought you some chocolates and asked the kids if they made cards? She was trying to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from another country and have no connection to Mother's Day because of this. I am married to an American, and DH's mom is into Mother's Day. His parents were with us this year for the holiday. MIL took my daughter for a walk, and asked her whether she had a gift organized for me. My kids know Mother's Day isn't important to me, so DD told her grandmother a version of this. MIL bought her a box of chocolates to give to me. I didn't love this because it felt like she was imposing her views on our family - but was going to let it slide. We took her to Mother's Day lunch, and she asked my kids if they had made cards for me. I responded and said that we don't really do Mother's Day. She said pointedly, "Well, its important for the children". There were other things like this. Am I over-reacting to be upset about this sort of thing?

She obviously values you, just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from another country and have no connection to Mother's Day because of this. I am married to an American, and DH's mom is into Mother's Day. His parents were with us this year for the holiday. MIL took my daughter for a walk, and asked her whether she had a gift organized for me. My kids know Mother's Day isn't important to me, so DD told her grandmother a version of this. MIL bought her a box of chocolates to give to me. I didn't love this because it felt like she was imposing her views on our family - but was going to let it slide. We took her to Mother's Day lunch, and she asked my kids if they had made cards for me. I responded and said that we don't really do Mother's Day. She said pointedly, "Well, its important for the children". There were other things like this. Am I over-reacting to be upset about this sort of thing?

You guys took her to lunch to celebrate Mother's Day and she wanted you to be honored also, She sounds like a good MIL.

[Anonymous]

I like to look at intention, rather than action. It sounds like MIL's intentions are good.

[Anonymous]

I have been thinking about this a lot as my strong feelings surprised me. The visit to our house on this weekend was for a completely different reason. I think her insistence on Mother's Day for me bothered me because it is part of a pattern of behavior where MIL sort of does what she wants and when she wants it. She will buy airline tickets to visit us even when DH tells her clearly that she should not do so without checking with him (we are going through some tough health issues). It also bothered me because it feels like a rejection of me as a person (strangely enough.) I come from another culture and Mother's Day is meaningless to me. Why try to force it on me? It feels like she wants to Americanize/whitewash me.. or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Buying plane tickets without checking in first is a legitimate issue.

What does DH have to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this a lot as my strong feelings surprised me. The visit to our house on this weekend was for a completely different reason. I think her insistence on Mother's Day for me bothered me because it is part of a pattern of behavior where MIL sort of does what she wants and when she wants it. She will buy airline tickets to visit us even when DH tells her clearly that she should not do so without checking with him (we are going through some tough health issues). It also bothered me because it feels like a rejection of me as a person (strangely enough.) I come from another culture and Mother's Day is meaningless to me. Why try to force it on me? It feels like she wants to Americanize/whitewash me.. or something like that.

I think the better approach is to celebrate holidays from both cultures. Send flowers to MIL when it's "MIL's day" in your homeland and graciously accept chocolates when it's Mother's Day. Why make MIL feel uncomfortable and take away celebrations from your kids, when you can make MIL happy and enrich kids' lives (even with a Hallmark holiday)?

[Anonymous]

I get your point, OP. She is ignoring your choice to skip Mother's Day. But for her it's important, and maybe she feels her day is threatened by your treating it as insignificant. She's also steamrolling your decision to have your kids skip it, and she's interfering with your parenting by announcing that for their sake the kids should celebrate the day.

Who is the holiday for: you or your kids? Are you against the idea of the kids learning to take a day to honor you and show they love you? Or do you think the holiday is silly and made up? Did you grow up celebrating Halloween, for example? If not, do your kids still participate in Halloween?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buying plane tickets without checking in first is a legitimate issue.

What does DH have to say?

This. Address the real issue OP. A box of chocolates and asking your kids about a card are not battles to fight. Showing up at your house uninvited and up unexpected IS a battle to fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this a lot as my strong feelings surprised me. The visit to our house on this weekend was for a completely different reason. I think her insistence on Mother's Day for me bothered me because it is part of a pattern of behavior where MIL sort of does what she wants and when she wants it. She will buy airline tickets to visit us even when DH tells her clearly that she should not do so without checking with him (we are going through some tough health issues). It also bothered me because it feels like a rejection of me as a person (strangely enough.) I come from another culture and Mother's Day is meaningless to me. Why try to force it on me? It feels like she wants to Americanize/whitewash me.. or something like that.

Because you live in this culture now? And because if you reject Mother's Day, she won't get special attention from her son and grandchildren on that day. This really isn't worth getting butt hurt over. The woman was trying to be kind to you on a day that is special to her.

It's like Jewish people who are given Christmas gifts. Just say thank you and understand no one is trying to change you.

[Anonymous]

If she thinks it's important, she can talk to her son about organizing the children to do things for you on mother's day.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I want to add that we have always celebrated Mother's Day for MIL. When she is with us, she is taken out to a very nice place for lunch. Depending on the year, flowers, small gifts, etc. MIL is not being deprived because of my lack of interest in Mother's Day..

DH has always had a mom who does what she wants. He deals with it by not noticing. He didn't even notice things like uninvited visits until I started pointing them out. We are now talking about it more and he understands. He talked to her this time about the tickets being bought without checking in with him. It really is part of a larger pattern. I think if it was just Mother's Day for me that she insisted on, I'd definitely let it go.

And yes I've adopted all sorts of American traditions and the kids do some from my home country too. So does DH. Its really not an issue. We pick and choose all the time.