11 year old has terrible hygiene

[Anonymous]

My step kid has always been lazy about anything hygiene related. Pure, pure laziness. While I have dutifully been monitoring the basics for a couple of years, and "reteaching" her things every so months, and then following it all up with as much positive reinforcement as I can, none of it is working. And I'm at my wit's end.

She is forced to take a shower every night--at least at my house. Her other family lets her go as long as she wants without a shower under the theory that eventually she'll get sick of her own smell and take care of herself. Sometimes, she return after a few days from that other house and she smells like a dead rodent trapped in the walls of a house. Talking, cajoling and demanding anything better from the other "adults" has all come to naught. So if she doesn't do it for herself, it's not happening.

She is also forced to brush her teeth at my house--which only happens if I stand and watch her do it. She repeatedly tells me that she doesn't bother for days at a time while she's with her other family.

She doesn't wipe properly--her underwear... well. You know what I'm talking about. I mean... she NEVER properly wipes.

We recently found out that she will also just pee in her pants whenever she feels like it. Since getting up to go to the bathroom is apparently too much of a chore. Not because there's a medical issue or she can't hold it. Because she refuses to go when she is given an opportunity to go several times at school "if she doesn't have to go" and because she can't be bothered to ask the teacher if she can get up and go.

As any mom can imagine, wet pee pants + excrement in her underwear + no regular baths for days = multiple vaginal infections and one UTI.

She won't wash her face with the nice face washes I buy her despite the fact that she's breaking out already. She won't wear any of the all natural deodorant we buy her, despite the fact that puberty is hitting and she's a very active person and she smells really bad by the end of a day. This one isn't the highest of my concerns; I didn't wear deodorant at her age either, but I don't think I needed it. SHE DOES.

Guess what? SHE DOESN'T CARE. Because of course I'm a good parent and will take her to a dr and get her treatment and make the pain go away. During the REPEATED talks about what is good personal hygiene and why it's important, she explains that she doesn't think any of this is a big deal and that she doesn't care. She doesn't care if she makes her body sick because there is medicine for that. She doesn't care if she gets cavities because you can get fillings. She doesn't care if she smells bad.

Well guess what? I care. I care about taking the days off to take her to the dr. And the money on the prescriptions. I care about how badly she is treating her body. I care about not raising some dirty gerbil of a child. I care about the filthy underwear in the laundry. I care about not spending every night fighting with her to take a shower and brushing teeth. My god--what is this going to be like when she gets her period?!?!?!?! She's going to be one of those girls who never changes her pad!

Her dad is useless on this. He just shrugs and says she's just a kid. I feel like at her age she should be able to do these basic things--wiping her butt clean, knowing that she should go to the bathroom "even if she doesn't have to go" because she will have the urge to go later, not peeing in her pants, showering and brushing teeth when she's at her other family's house even if they don't make her.

I guess her friends don't ever say anything to her, which is really a surprise. I keep expecting her to come home crying over having been teased. I keep hoping some peer pressure will encourage her to change her habits, but it's not happening.

Am I wrong? I'm just a step mom and she's my only one. Are my expectations too high that she'd have some basic hygiene skills down by her age?

I'm at my wit's end. As much as I fear it might be bad parenting, I'm really considering sitting her down and trying to shame her a little. She has somehow gotten the idea that it doesn't matter to be clean. And having fairly serious and uncomfortable consequences don't seem to have done the trick. So would an old-fashioned "you have disgusting habits and you're gross and you should be ashamed" kind of thing be terrible? She's actually a pretty sensitive kid about most things and she is sort of a "pleaser." But all the nice gentle talk and reinforcement of good habits isn't doing squat. I really feel like if I sat her down and purposefully hurt her feelings over some of this that maybe that might work. And, of course, I feel like the WORST PARENT IN THE WORLD for having just even written that sentence. Ugh. help me.

[Anonymous]

You are right, but it needs to come from your DH. Put your foot down and don't let him shrug it off.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not even think about shaming her-- she clearly has a mental or physical health problem. Sorry but this is waaaay beyond bad parenting. Even very badly parented kids usually manage to get to the toilet on their own by age 11. Your expectations are not too high, but there are some real problems here.

I think you need to see a specialist. Have a private conversation with the pediatrician or the doctor you took her to before, and figure out where you need to go with this. This child needs your help.

[Anonymous]

This sounds beyond just normal lazy hygiene. UTI's aren't fun, before the medicine kicks in it's pure hell! She may need to talk to a professional. There's just gotta be something else going on here. I hate to bring it up, but do you think there is any possibility of (sexual) abuse at her Mom's house?

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised the school hasn't reported this. If she's peeing in her pants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds beyond just normal lazy hygiene. UTI's aren't fun, before the medicine kicks in it's pure hell! She may need to talk to a professional. There's just gotta be something else going on here. I hate to bring it up, but do you think there is any possibility of (sexual) abuse at her Mom's house?

+1. OP, you need to take this as a serious medical/mental health problem. Deal with it ASAP-- this kid is struggling and neither of her parents are responding adequately.

Honestly, is your DH like this too about his own hygiene? He has got to know most 11 year olds are able to take care of their hygiene better than this. He is neglecting to adequately parent his daughter and that is your other big issue to consider.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'd want to dig a little deeper here. Are you sure there's no depression issues stemming from her parent's divorce?

I'll be honest op, i rarely brushed my teeth in my teenage years. I was very fortunate to have strong teeth and no long lasting issues. I was incredibly depressed all those years over my mothers terminal cancer. I never talked about it, and I think I would have benefitted greatly from seeing a therapist.

I'd tackle it on two fronts. Be the heavy if you have to be to get her to be at least minimally clean when she's in your home. And also get her in to see someone to check on her emotional health. I'm just an Internet stranger, but I'd very strongly suspect something is going on there.

[Anonymous]

I see three issues:

-- You seem to care for but also loathe your step child (that loathing can't be completely hidden from her...it's not even hidden here)

-- Your husband is her parent and isn't parenting

-- She had some real issue that would benefit from seeing a medical specialist and therapist, if the peeing story is true

[Anonymous]

Your DH doesn't care- hope you all don't have kids.
I feel for your SD- she needs mental health help ASAP. Please help her. Don't shame her, just love her.

[Anonymous]

She can't have any friends if this is really true. I would take her to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not even think about shaming her-- she clearly has a mental or physical health problem. Sorry but this is waaaay beyond bad parenting. Even very badly parented kids usually manage to get to the toilet on their own by age 11. Your expectations are not too high, but there are some real problems here.

I think you need to see a specialist. Have a private conversation with the pediatrician or the doctor you took her to before, and figure out where you need to go with this. This child needs your help.

I agree with this PP and the previous one, as a parent of a sometimes-gross 11 year old. i.e., he lazily doesn't cut his nails, brush his teeth properly, and lies about washing his hair in the shower.

Your step DD clearly has some issues that require a trained and skilled therapist. AND. Her dad needs to stop being so *#@ checked out and washing his hands of the whole matter.

He will need to meet with the family therapist first, alone, without his DD present. S/he will then tell him this isn't "being a kid."

Good luck, I'm sorry. And whatever you do, do NOT have the shame talk -- I think your step DD has a mental illness and shaming her will only make it worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to deal with this ASAP. Before the other kids start avoiding her and she has no friends. And before someone at school who is a mandatory reporter feels they have to call in a neglect case.

If hassling her were going to work, it would have worked by now. Offer her positive incentives if you can think of anything she cares about-- screen time maybe? And get to a pediatrician and child psychologist ASAP.

How is her mental health overall? Does she do well in school? Does she have any real friends?

[Anonymous]

OP here-- school hasn't noticed the pee and to be honest, I didn't either. She does it right after lunch and her pants are dry by the time she gets home. YES, they smelled to high heaven and I would ask her repeatedly why and she'd just shrug. Given her other wiping issue, I figured it was that too.

I had her UTI doctor explain how serious all this was and how it happened and why it's important to stay clean. It didn't sink in. If she gets sick again, she will just go back to him and get the pills and feel better. I don't get it!

As for the abuse thing, trust me, I've wondered, even though I really have absolutely no suspicion of it whatsoever. Her mom is more just... lazy and self-involved. It's too much for her to do to get kid bathed, etc. so she doesn't bother. She's also one of these weird new-agey parents that thinks this is some kind of "choice" issue. Look, I let her pick out what I'm packing in her school lunch but basic wiping and bathing aren't "choices," in my mind. But back to the abuse... even though I don't suspect it, I've asked her several questions that would help get to the bottom of it. And so did the dr. And there were absolutely no alarm bells.

And as for the counseling... she had a therapist for a year. Therapist said she was a well adjusted kid with no real issues. I seriously think its just a problem of her getting 2 different messages from 2 different moms and well... I just want to WIN this one. For her sake.

[Anonymous]

Get a new therapist! There's just NO way a well-adjusted 11 year old would routinely wet their pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-- school hasn't noticed the pee and to be honest, I didn't either. She does it right after lunch and her pants are dry by the time she gets home. YES, they smelled to high heaven and I would ask her repeatedly why and she'd just shrug. Given her other wiping issue, I figured it was that too.

I had her UTI doctor explain how serious all this was and how it happened and why it's important to stay clean. It didn't sink in. If she gets sick again, she will just go back to him and get the pills and feel better. I don't get it!

As for the abuse thing, trust me, I've wondered, even though I really have absolutely no suspicion of it whatsoever. Her mom is more just... lazy and self-involved. It's too much for her to do to get kid bathed, etc. so she doesn't bother. She's also one of these weird new-agey parents that thinks this is some kind of "choice" issue. Look, I let her pick out what I'm packing in her school lunch but basic wiping and bathing aren't "choices," in my mind. But back to the abuse... even though I don't suspect it, I've asked her several questions that would help get to the bottom of it. And so did the dr. And there were absolutely no alarm bells.

And as for the counseling... she had a therapist for a year. Therapist said she was a well adjusted kid with no real issues. I seriously think its just a problem of her getting 2 different messages from 2 different moms and well... I just want to WIN this one. For her sake.

Both of her parents are abusing her by allowing this to continue. Why did therapy stop- the doctor has to be a quack if they are aware of the issues in your OP? Get a new therapist now.