11 year old has terrible hygiene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a new therapist! There's just NO way a well-adjusted 11 year old would routinely wet their pants.

+1 The kid must be in what, 6th grade now? Looking back at my 11-year-old self this is unimaginable. And if another kid was doing this/smelling like this they would have been a pariah. This needs to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the docs and new therapist. This is not just a parenting issue. I am very concerned about your DH's parenting skills if he thinks this is normal. How long have you been married to him?

Meanwhile, you could try having her treat her own laundry stains. In a shame-free, matter-of-fact manner, show her that this is what one does, and require her to do it. That is a natural consequence and may provide an incentive.

[Anonymous]

Some of this sounds like she might be having problems with encopresis. Check out this link and see if it sounds familiar. There might be a physical reason behind the messy underwear that goes beyond not wiping properly.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/encopresis/basics/definition/con-20029758

[Anonymous]

Op here again. Seriously, y'all, I TOTALLY get what you're saying. That's why we took her (with dad and mom) to a therapist. I thought the same thing. I thought she must be struggling with real adjustment issues. She did a year of play therapy. No issues, allegedly. Therapist said she shouldn't come anymore!

She's an extremely out-going, well-liked, happy go lucky kid. Who has a ton of friends. Who gets nearly perfect grades. She's actually one of the more popular girls in school. She's incredibly pretty, which is I think actually holding her back a little. I feel like people want to be her friend because of it and NO ONE seems to be bothered about pee and poo and UTIs but me.

I love her dearly. But I don't love the streaky underwear. She and I are very close and she definitely looks up to me as a parent and I feel like I'm failing her since she's not learning/understanding why this stuff is important.

By the way... Dad's not checked out on ANYTHING else. The two of them are extremely close and loving. And his hygiene is immaculate. He just also seems to think this is just some normal kid thing she will sometime outgrow.

[Anonymous]

Not flossing is normal kid behavior. Not washing your hands after using the bathroom too. But this is abnormal. If there are truly no psych issues then you and dad need to get on the same page. Figure out what your daughter values (playtime screentime etc), and take it away if she doesn't meet her basic hygiene standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. Seriously, y'all, I TOTALLY get what you're saying. That's why we took her (with dad and mom) to a therapist. I thought the same thing. I thought she must be struggling with real adjustment issues. She did a year of play therapy. No issues, allegedly. Therapist said she shouldn't come anymore!

She's an extremely out-going, well-liked, happy go lucky kid. Who has a ton of friends. Who gets nearly perfect grades. She's actually one of the more popular girls in school. She's incredibly pretty, which is I think actually holding her back a little. I feel like people want to be her friend because of it and NO ONE seems to be bothered about pee and poo and UTIs but me.

I love her dearly. But I don't love the streaky underwear. She and I are very close and she definitely looks up to me as a parent and I feel like I'm failing her since she's not learning/understanding why this stuff is important.

By the way... Dad's not checked out on ANYTHING else. The two of them are extremely close and loving. And his hygiene is immaculate. He just also seems to think this is just some normal kid thing she will sometime outgrow.

This is a bizarre situation. Second opinion from a new therapist and follow up on the encopresis idea. She has friends now, but that will change soon if she doesn't get this under control.

[Anonymous]

14:03 here: please, look at the encopresis link. It might not just be a hygiene issue.

Here's a second link as well. http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sick/encopresis.html#

[Anonymous]

Well. Thanks all... you've at least confirmed for me that this isn't "normal" or "average" at this age. I mean... the difficulty with dad is always that he says it's no big deal b/c if it was, the therapist, dr., teachers, etc would say it was or there would be other signs of trouble, which there really aren't. But in my gut, this just seems like something we HAVE to fix asap before there are more serious physical/social consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. Seriously, y'all, I TOTALLY get what you're saying. That's why we took her (with dad and mom) to a therapist. I thought the same thing. I thought she must be struggling with real adjustment issues. She did a year of play therapy. No issues, allegedly. Therapist said she shouldn't come anymore!

She's an extremely out-going, well-liked, happy go lucky kid. Who has a ton of friends. Who gets nearly perfect grades. She's actually one of the more popular girls in school. She's incredibly pretty, which is I think actually holding her back a little. I feel like people want to be her friend because of it and NO ONE seems to be bothered about pee and poo and UTIs but me.

I love her dearly. But I don't love the streaky underwear. She and I are very close and she definitely looks up to me as a parent and I feel like I'm failing her since she's not learning/understanding why this stuff is important.

By the way... Dad's not checked out on ANYTHING else. The two of them are extremely close and loving. And his hygiene is immaculate. He just also seems to think this is just some normal kid thing she will sometime outgrow.

What the hell is wrong with you!!! Take her to a different therapist. Unless you are exaggerating things. You said she urinates on herself regularly and it dries. That means she goes around school and life smelling like urine. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. A skid mark in underwear is one thing. URINATING ON YOURSELF IS NOT.

You are annoying me- i hope this is all made up. I would probably call CPS if I was her teacher.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few options here.

You can take her to a new doctor.

You can try to have a heart to heat with her.

You can make dad do the laundry so he can see.

Is it possible she is just having the occasional dirty undergarments, and leaking a little urine, and is slow/late to shower like many preteens are before puberty catches up, and you're exaggerating? It seems totally incomprehensible that she'd be smart and popular, as you describe, with problems this severe; kids are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well. Thanks all... you've at least confirmed for me that this isn't "normal" or "average" at this age. I mean... the difficulty with dad is always that he says it's no big deal b/c if it was, the therapist, dr., teachers, etc would say it was or there would be other signs of trouble, which there really aren't. But in my gut, this just seems like something we HAVE to fix asap before there are more serious physical/social consequences.

You need to find someone who will tell your DH this is a problem. School guidance counselor? Pediatrician? Deal with this before a mandatory reporter calls it in-- then you will be in a world of hassle.

[Anonymous]

OK, I'm now on the side of OP being an exaggerator. No way this kid is pretty and popular if she is truly the way OP describes. She probably is too lazy to shower everyday and doesn't remember to apply deodorant. She has some skid marks on her underwear, and sometimes dribbles a little bit. If she doesn't change her underwear right away, of course it smells when OP does the laundry. But I really can't believe there is this dirty girl soiling herself all the time and smelling like death who is still super popular, well-adjusted and beautiful.

[Anonymous]

If you can get DH to agree, I would tell her: "These are the rules at our house, if u want to do X, then you need to shower, wash, floss, change socks, etc. stand there until she does it. That's what I do with similar behavior. The peering is not normal though-- agree with pp on medical interventions. And play therapy is useless.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you have reason to be concerned but your attitude about it is awful and borderline Mommy Dearest. I have read about girls/women who engage in terrible hygiene as a defense mechanism because they are being sexually abused, so this raises a huge red flag. I second the calls for another therapist...and a tall glass of compassion from you, no matter how sick of it you are. You can be firm in your insistence she get help while still being loving toward her. At least in theory one can, I don't know about you personally, but I think you should try.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a teen or 20something that she looks up to-- that influence could help as well.