No proof of abuse, but worried about it.
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Anonymous
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I don't want to mention how I am related to this family member because if they figure out who I am they will hold a grudge forever.
This problem has been ongoing and it has gotten very tense lately. I feel like it is a powder keg ready to explode. This started quite a while ago when my family member met her high school sweetheart. She said it was her true love fairy tale and they would be together forever. Another family member said that everyone feels that way about their first love and she became furious, saying that they would be together and they would prove everyone wrong. They've been together for 15+ years now, but its been rough on everyone. Her husband is very unlikable. He has anger issues and at times family has been concerned he was abusive. I will say it is a fact that he is controlling. He says he doesn't like authority and he will rail against it. He also gets these ideas in his head and will completely change their whole lives at the drop of the hat whether she wants to or not. Once he convinces her she gets gungho about it and makes sure everyone knows how it is the greatest thing. First he was going to be a rockstar, so they lived like that. Then he decided he wanted the "Ozzie and Harriet" life (his words) and they settled in the suburbs. Now he has decided he wants to be a homesteader, so again, uprooted and in over their heads. This homesteading thing is so sad to watch, they keep failing at it and if anyone offers advice or yes, criticism they lose their minds and hold a grudge against that person. This time though it isn't just them, it is two little children and animals. (they've killed bees and chickens and now they are talking about getting a cow) Some family members are just holding their breath waiting for his next whim to come along. He will also only associate with people like him so their friends (what few they have) each time their life changes. She also has this pie in the sky attitude where she will never admit when something is wrong, even to her closest family members. She will never ever take a piece of advice at face value, even when she asks for it. If you disagree with her she will do her damnedest to prove you wrong. Most of us feel it is a defense mechanism to prove everyone wrong about how her husband runs their lives. I'm not sure what I am looking for. I guess I just needed to type some of that out. We all talk about it so much to each other, our concern for her and now their children. I just don't know what to do. I didn't put some of the worst stuff here because it is so specific. |
Anonymous
| He has formed a family cult, I am scared for those kids. |
Anonymous
| You sound pretty judgmental to me. Maybe it's because you haven't given (can't give) the worst details. From what you've said, I'd say you and the other families should leave them alone and not try to save her or point out their failures. |
Anonymous
Do you mean him, his wife and their two kids? Or something else? |
Anonymous
| He sounds like he has a personality disorder, among other things, and she's codependent. |
Anonymous
| Where is the abusive part? So what if he convinces his wife to homestead? It's not abusive. If she gets onboard with it what's the problem? |
Anonymous
Her sibling actually calls it "the cult of husband's name" |
Anonymous
If being worried about my family members emotional and physical well being then I'll take being called judgmental. |
Anonymous
He controls everything in their lives and every few years causes a major upheaval and completely changes their lives. It is not just an isolated incident of homestead, as I pointed out a few examples. She will always talk about not wanting to do it after the fact. Things like, "I really didn't want to do it, but husband is so wonderful he took the time explain it to me and now I am on board, this is perfect for our family, I wouldn't have it any other way!" |
Anonymous
Yep, some real sickness going on there. Have any family ever called CPS? |
Anonymous
| It's not up to you or anyone else to decide what she does with her life. Unless she asks for advice, you and the others need to mind your own business. |
Anonymous
Almost. Their oldest child was very sick with bacterial pneumonia as a toddler. Since they are now "crunchy homesteaders" she was using homeopathic medicine. A lot of concern was expressed, especially when his fever would get very high. Finally she took him to the pediatrician and of course she told us all how the Dr told her how wonderful she was, treating it at home and how she was doing the right thing. The child ended up getting well soon after, so even though they both talk about how horrible western medicine is we are all sure there was western medicine involved. There are other dangerous controversial parenting choices too, but I don't want to start a huge debate. There is a close family member who wants to confront husband and we are all worried because husband will likely cut him out of their lives and isolate her and the children more and I posted because we are all stressed and second guessing ourselves. |
Anonymous
Even when she rarely leaves the house? When she does it is only for errands or sometimes with a family member? When she comes up with mysterious bruises she blames on their very old and sweet dog? I know this needs more details, but I am afraid I'll be cut out for posting just what I have. I'm honestly asking, is this no big deal? Because maybe we are all just seeing things that aren't there. |
Anonymous
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Big deal, yes , cult, yes, co-dependence, yes, likely abuse, yes
Do I know what to tell you to do about it, no sorry |
Anonymous
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I think the best you can do is pretend to be friends with them and have their kids spend as much time outside this sick family atmosphere as possible.
I grew up with a very weird, mentally unwell mom (no physical abuse but just this sick weird family atmosphere where we had to wear weird things, eat weird things, do weird things ) and it would have helped so much if I could have some normalcy in my life. Just some conventional clothing and food, you know? |